Silent But Deadly

Firstly, read this:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/stage/theatreblog/2012/may/02/fringe-theatre-actors-exploited-props

If you're anything like me then you probably read most of it with a little jazzy voice in your head going 'And your point is what, exactly?' OK, it might not have been jazzy. Maybe it was Irish. Or loud. Or maybe you made it sound like a monster. But, if you're a working actor then I'm fairly sure your reaction was fairly similar to mine. And if you're not an actor then you're probably left wondering what their problem is.

Y'see, I thought that this article was going to finally give all us actors a bit of a voice and expose the soul-shattering amount of unpaid work out there at the moment. Just today I saw a casting call for a fringe theatre piece that didn't pay but made a point of saying that the last two years they'd managed to break even and had been able to put on a massive party for their cast and crew at the end of it all. Now, I don't know about you but I'd rather they spent their time trying to get some extra funding rather than harking on about some rubbish party they're going to organise, spending the money they could be giving you on a cheap wine and value crisps.

I could go on for ages about the unpaid situation but it's been done to death by a lot of other people who are far more eloquent than I'll ever be. I could mention the fact that casting sites such as StarNow ask all of those who post jobs to say that they agree to abide by the National Minimum Wage Act but this doesn't then stop them posting up jobs that are unpaid. Yesterday I saw a casting call for a film about modelling scams. Underneath the casting it had the line:

The owner of this listing has agreed to abide by the UK National Minimum Wage Act. 

Now, you're way ahead of me aren't you because you already know that, of course, this job was unpaid. The director was unable to see the irony of posting up a job about scams which states that they are abiding by a law that stipulates that people providing a service should be paid the minimum amount (let's ignore any legal stuff about being self-employed and whether actors are entitled to a minimum wage) and then mentions that actors won't be getting paid.

But no, what I really wanted to talk about was the fact that I would've loved to have had a chance to play some of these parts when I was straight out of drama school. If it was a choice between playing a near-mute barman in a successful play at the Bush Theatre or dragging myself around Oxfordshire and Nottinghamshire performing TIE for kids who couldn't care less, I know which job I'd choose. Yeah, it's dull being on stage when you've got very little to say but, when you've just hopped straight out of drama school, getting those credits and working alongside directors and actors of that calibre is pretty bloody great. And I understand that it might not be the greateest thing to write to casting directors and agents about but heck, at least you've got something to tell them. During my first year of drama school, I'm pretty sure that casting directors and agents thought I was taking a vow of silence against them. As much as I wanted to get in touch with them, it's bloody hard persuading the National Theatre's casting director to attend a 9am showing of your play on heroin in a school hall in Banbury.

And sometimes being silent on stage is no bad thing. Some of the greatest moments of theatre I've seen have been just from a look that a so-called 'lesser character' makes. And also, let's not knock the relief that being quiet on stage can bring. I've had several shows where I've had prolonged periods of silence on stage (make of that what you will...) Now, I'd love to say that I spent that time staying in character and keeping my character's motivation and intentions firmly in mind. But of course I didn't. Those moments are also great for wondering what terrible food you're going to pick up on your way home, whether you turned the gas off before you left the house or working out inventive ways to sack your agent. They allow you to keep a sneaky eye on the audience and they also help you to gently work your way through a killer hangover.

So let's not be too down on those mute lurkers and silent standers. If someone wants to pay me to silently stand on a stage for two hours, let them, I say!

Indoor Activities

Today's very much an indoors day. While I look for more auditions and also a job that might pay me to skulk about someone's office/shop/home, I'm stuck indoors so I can be as productive as possible and desperately try to live off the rapidly decaying contents of my kitchen cupboards. And on a miserable looking day like today, I couldn't be happier. Sorry to you all who traipsed out of the house while I was still blissfully asleep. The annoying thing is that although I'm indulging myself today on this grey day, I'm spending it doing stuff that will potentially mean that I can't enjoy these days quite so much in the future. All I've done today is apply for things that will take me away from my cosy little bed and means that I can't spend the day convincing myself that because I've got my laptop with me while I'm watching This Morning, that I'm actually working.

But don't worry readers, this poor little soul has been subjected to the elements in the name of actressy pursuits. A couple of years ago I did a Shakespeare festival which meant performing outside every evening for the whole of summer. Now if I lived almost anywhere other than England, this would be a glorious prospect. Instead I was there for one of the wettest summers on record and therefore spent many evenings desperately dragging myself across a university garden in a sodden, mud-trimmed velvet dress. We became fabulously adept at performing during thunderstorms, ensuring our lightning-proof audience members could hear us from behind their rainy evening paraphernalia. I'm not exagerrating when I say that everyone in our cast slipped over at least once while performing (although I'm sure my tally of tumbles took the average number to one that is higher than normal) and by the end we were masters on staying upright while the rain bounced higher than our soaking, corsetted, shivering bodies.

Performing while it's raining cats, dogs, mice, frogs, cows and donkeys is one thing but rehearsing is even harder. At least when you're performing you've got the adrenaline to keep you going but rehearsals can be tedious at best. When you're the focus of the day, rehearsals are joyously hard work but on the days when you're not really needed, it's tortuous. As we were performing outside, we had to rehearse outside and on the few rare days that we had sunshine, it was the bestest thing since sliced baked goods. But watching someone struggle with the intricacies of the Bard while you're trying to avoid drowning in the shadow of one of the world's greatest universities ain't much fun.

Even worse were rehearsals for a children's show that I was part of. Everything was organised very late which meant that the only rehearsal venue we had available to us was the great outdoors. Again, people's trust in the Great British summer totally baffles me. A discovery was made that the roof of the National Theatre could make a useful rehearsal space. The conclusion soon became that it was excellent when sunny but bloody awful when raining. It's nice to know that while a shivering cast were battling through Thumbelina in the pouring rain and howling wind, some of the best theatre in the world was being performed inches below us. We may have failed in the world of rehearsing but the juxtaposition crown remains firmly upon our dampened heads.