After seeing this casting call: I want an actress who doesn't need paying, Miss L responds...
Dear Director/Filmmaker/Bloody Chancer
I was incredibly excited to read about your upcoming film
and just had to contact you to offer my services because I believe I am the hand biting princess you're looking for. You sound like such an
understanding and generous director that I’d never forgive myself for missing
the possibility to work with you.
You say that virtually everything has been sourced without cost well it's time to add ‘actress’ to that list because I cost nothing. I travel everywhere by the power of flight and I live off thin-air so have next to no expenses. I live in an imaginary house that’s heated by kind-spirited fairies and I wash in petals provided by voluntary pixies. I wear clothes that have been made by sparrows and I drink rain water straight from the sky.
I notice you said
that there may be some money from your Kickstarter project but please don’t
waste your parent’s money on me. You’ve said you only want to pay those who
deserve it and there’s no way that I would deserve it. The time I’d be taking
out to be in your film, the hours I’d spend working on your script, the other
jobs I might turn down just to work with you, none of these would allow me to
qualify for your hard-earned cash. The years I’ve spent working on my craft and
the fact that this is my career really mean that I’m the least deserving
actress you could possibly meet. It would make me much happier knowing that the
money went straight to you, the most truly deserving of us all.
You’re right to seek actresses with the qualification of
wanting to work on something whether they get paid or not. I spent three years
at drama school and I was so pleased when I got a first in being able to work for
free. I wish I could describe to you the pride my parents felt when I graduated
with the possibility to just live off the passion of wanting to act. And that’s
why I was also so pleased to see that you’re holding auditions so therefore don’t
need someone with any experience. Thank god I’ve forgotten everything I’ve
learnt from the past 7 years of working as an actress! You have no idea how
much it pleases me to realise that all those lessons I learnt are utterly
useless.
I see you’ve yet to provide a schedule apart from 23 March
and are very keen to not bother with timewasters. So that I can match your
precious criteria, I have cancelled everything that I had planned for the next
three months. You also say that you won’t consider anyone who can't make the
casting so, as you haven’t provided an audition date, I will organise nothing
until I hear from you. I trust this is acceptable and means that I’m the ‘right
girl’ for you.
I’m so glad you said that your film will be like Game of
Thrones but in Devon without the budget. For me, these are the things that ruin
Game of Thrones. The fact that a production company has actually put some money
into something, paid all the actors fairly and produced a high quality
programme really ruins it for me. Knowing all those actors are being paid for
their job and having to watch a series that has had time and money put into it
makes me physically sick. And there’s not an episode of Game of Thrones that I
watch where I don’t wish they’d feature Plymouth National Marine Aquarium or
Crealy Great Adventure Park. Clearly you are a man of taste.
Now, I must admit that I am unable to ride a horse but the
fact you can teach me is all I need to know.
Of course, it’s 2nd
March today and you’re hoping to start shooting on 23rd March. I
imagine once you’ve got me in for a casting and given me the role, that should
give us 2 weeks for you to teach me to ride a horse. I imagine that with all
this time plus the fact I watched some of the dressage events during the
Olympics last year mean that I’ll pick it up in no time. Not only will I be
able to ride a horse but I’ll be able to ride a horse to such a level that I
can also act while doing it and not injure either myself or anyone else.
I was going to tell you a bit more about myself but, quite
frankly, as a great person once said, I literally can’t sell this enough so I’m
not even going to try. Opportunities like this DO NOT come along often. If you’re
not biting my hand off for the chance, you really shouldn’t be trying to make a
film.
Oh, and I’m so pleased to hear about all the awards this
film is already set to win despite the fact it hasn’t even been made yet. Due to your superior psychic abilities, I probably don't need to tell you this but I too have already won a string of BAFTAs and Oscars for
films I’ve yet to appear in so I think we’ll work extremely well together.
I realise that you don’t currently have much time, so much
so that you felt the need to mention it in your casting call which must mean
you’re extremely busy indeed. I therefore hope that this application of mine
hasn’t taken up what precious little free time you have.
Oh, and you also mentioned in your casting call that you're talking horses. THAT IS AMAZING.
Yours bitingly,
Miss L
