Spinning Plates

During my day job a while ago, I was asked if this is what I did for a living. I was explaining that no, not technically, although it did take up most of my time.

'Oh, what else do you do?' 

I explained that, really, I was an actor. 

'Oh, so what acting work are you doing at the moment?' 

'Well, nothing at the moment.' 

I starting explaining that I'd recently done a couple of things, a couple of corporates, some role play, a voiceover job. 

'Have you got any acting work coming up.'

'Not right now but you never know.'

I suddenly realised that, to this stranger, I might as well have said that I was an astronaut. No, NASA don't know anything about me but I saw some stars recently and I'm pretty sure that I spotted the ISS flying past although it could have been a plane. 

I think there are two very distinct stages of being an actor, There are the times when you can very proudly declare, 'I am an ACTOR,' as someone luckily asks what you do for a living when you're in a whirl of auditions and acting work and emails asking for your availability. Then there are the times when you mumble, 'Well, technically I'm an actor,' as someone unfortunately asks what you do for a living when you're in a whirl of day jobs and commuting and emails asking if you fancy coming back to your old call centre job. 

When you're in your proud stage, it's glorious. THIS is what you expected at drama school, this flurry of spinning plates, you're doing it so expertly and you realise that this is what you're born to do. Then suddenly you remember that you have to eat off one of those spinning plates, then you see that one has a crack in it that needs mending and, oh, here comes someone else spinning the same plates as you but, hang on, where did they learn that Triple Platter Spin into Double Saucer Dive? It's then that you realise you're all spinning those same bloody plates from Ikea and you realise that you've been trying to keep them spinning for so long that you're not 100% sure what happens if you just stop.

Stopping is terrifying. Everyone thinks you're a plate spinner. You've dedicated your life to being a plate spinner. Your parents gave you money to go to plate spinning school. Everyone you went to school with knows you're a plate spinner. All the other plate spinners compare their plate spinning to yours and you know that if you stop spinning, everyone will assume that you're not very good at plate spinning anymore. 

The thing is, there are many reasons to stop spinning plates. It might be that want to try a new technique, or maybe you fancy a break so you can save up for some better plates or maybe, just maybe, your arms are just fucking tired. 

I made a decision a few years ago to not beat myself up over a lack of work. I worry sometimes that this attitude makes me a terrible actor, that I'm not committed enough to the cause. Social media can make you feel that if you're not living and breathing your acting career as well as making mnemonics to remember every casting director for every show in London right now then you're doing it wrong. The truth is, since I made this little pledge to myself, I've never been happier about my career. Sure, I'm not going up for the biggest acting roles but I also don't make myself feel like a worthless piece of crap every day either. 

I think I've realised that I like doing a little bit of everything. 

*rewind back to the spinning plates*

I'm a big fan of the picky tea. Or the bits plate. Or bits and pieces. Whatever you called it in your house, it's that tea that you'd have on a Sunday evening. A bit of cheese. Some crisps. Maybe a little sausage roll or pork pie. Some carrot batons. You might add some cherry tomatoes if you're not me. A gloriously crispy and tangy pickled onion. Nowadays it will also include some olives or artichoke hearts, some hummus and those bloody quinoa crisps that are too addictive for their own good. It's a beautiful fridge buffet that although looks like a mish-mash of leftovers, is actually a stunningly thought-out thing of all the things you enjoy. It's comforting and lovely and satisfying and, best of all, 

That's the plate that I want to keep spinning. Some acting work. Some writing work. My day job. Trawling casting call sites. Role play. Dedicated time to watch Drag Race. Thinking up excuses so I can blame a lack of acting work on National Sandwich Week or International Leaf Day. It's taken me eleven years to realise that this is how I like to do things. It might not make the most successful actor and it might not always give me the most exciting answers when someone asks if I've got any acting work coming up but, for me, there's less stress, I enjoy it and sometimes, just sometimes, there might be a pickled onion. 

-----

I've recently set up a Ko-fi page where the idea is that, if you like what someone does, you treat them to a virtual cup of coffee by donating them the money of what a coffee would be in a reasonably pricey cafe. I'm not a fan of coffee, I'm more of a tea person myself, and, to be honest, just people reading, sharing and commenting on what I do is payment enough but sometimes going through these casting calls requires much tea-based comfort so, you know, it's there if you fancy it... ko-fi.com/castingcallwoe 

Laying Bare

A few weeks ago, I stumbled upon this casting call..

Of course, I laughed. Everything about it is bloody funny, from the idea of being festooned by the occasional crab to being the Meryl Streep of stunt corpses. But, as this beautiful dead woman lies on our examination table and we investigate further, we quickly gain an insight into a huge issue on how women are portrayed.  Setting these hilarious little crabs aside, there is a huge problem with the casting of the Beautiful Naked Female Corpse.

Dead, naked women pop up regularly on casting websites. If they're lucky, they're not being shagged...

What these roles do is boil down to what is essentially wanted from a female character: attractive, naked and silent. Little thought has gone into the character. In fact, there's no character at all. Just a body to be gawped at, fleshy set dressing, a goose-pimpled prop. I'm starting to think that drama school is failing women in not teaching them how to get their kit off and learn how to keep as still as possible for as long as possible.

Reading these casting calls is utterly heartbreaking.  I'd find it easier if I didn't come across these so often but they are everywhere and it's reducing women to literally a piece of meat, a role that could be played by a mannequin. What's incredibly sad is that, often, the actress is cheaper than a mannequin. Pose this role as incredible experience, wonderful showreel material, some easy work, and save yourself a few pennies in the process.

I've never paid a dead, naked woman. I have, however, played a woman in a coma. I joked around at first, at how I was just getting to lie around all day in bed. The crew joked that I could have been horrendously hungover and it wouldn't have mattered. But then there's the horrible realisation that anyone could do this. There's no acting involved, nothing to draw on, nothing to feel proud about, you just lie back and think of what the heck you're doing with your life.

So why are there so many? Why, every time you watch a crime drama, is there a scene been played out as a woman lies there, nipples out, like a meaty coffee table? We have a woman, the victim, shown at her most vulnerable. She has no lines, no personality, she's just a thing to be referred to. Maybe, if she's lucky, there might be a flashback where we see how she dies, because if there's anything we like more than a dead woman, it's seeing that naked (obviously) woman being tortured...

But what angers me more than the nudity, the lifelessness, is that they're still, so often, required to be beautiful. Even in death, even after unspeakable murder, she must still remain magnificent. She is a woman, and even on the mortician's slab or dragged into a ditch, she must fulfil her duty as stunning set dressing.

Look at that last one. She's dead and yet she's still seductive, still beautiful, still a sex object. She's a piece of attractive meat that is there to be fucked. They mention that the actress needs strong acting skills, presumably ones that allow her to remain lifeless while she reminds herself that she deserves better than this. 

It was recently International Women's Day, a day that we clearly still need to have because this is how the world still sees women, as nothing more than a mannequin. My hope is that, by the next one, the Beautiful Naked Female Corpse will no longer be the role I see on a daily basis. We are not slabs of meat, we're not lifeless sex objects and, my god, we are not to be festooned with occasional dead crabs. 

I've recently set up a Ko-fi page where the idea is that, if you like what someone does, you treat them to a virtual cup of coffee by donating them the money of what a coffee would be in a reasonably pricey cafe. I'm not a fan of coffee, I'm more of a tea person myself, and, to be honest, just people reading, sharing and commenting on what I do is payment enough but sometimes going through these casting calls requires much tea-based comfort so, you know, it's there if you fancy it... ko-fi.com/castingcallwoe 

The Toughest Things About Being An Actor

Being an actor is tough. Career instability, financial insecurity and constant scrutiny about how you look. Makes you wonder why anyone would do it for a living. But those aren't the truly difficult things. Oh no. Here are just a few of the things that are far worse...

Spotting THAT person you went to drama school with in a ‘Check Out These Amazing Next Big Things Who Are The Stars Of The Future And Are So Much Better Than You And We’re Featuring Them Even Though They’ve Got Plenty Of Work And There Are So Many Other Hardworking People Would Could Benefit From This Kind Of Coverage’ type article.

Look at them, all lovely with their hair done all nice while you’re sat in a pair of pyjamas that you haven’t removed for the last 3 days. Hang on, did that stain just MOVE?

Your favourite pyjamas being in the wash.

You know the ones – comfy enough to fall asleep in at 2pm on a Wednesday afternoon, warm enough so you can avoid putting the heating on even though the mould on the walls has formed frost and respectable enough to answer the door in without the postman looking too horrified.

Pacing a free bar entirely wrong.

You’ve been invited to a thing. You don’t want to go because, well, your favourite pyjamas are clean and you’ve got the flat to yourself and RuPaul’s Drag Race is calling…

“There’s a free bar.”

You turn up horrifically early, hoping to get in on the free bar action. Now, generally the rest of the night will go one of only two ways:

Every photo of the night features you clutching three glasses of wine with your boozy gaze only able to focus on any available snacks

Or

You decide to be sensible and not make a fool of yourself. Maybe you’ll brace yourself and do some much-needed networking. You average a glass of wine every 45 minutes only to discover the free bar was only for the first hour. You slink off home at 8pm and pick up a sausage roll and a bottle of Lambrini on the way home.

Social networking

‘OMG. Just been offered the most AMAZEBALLS job. All top-secret right now though! ARGH! #soblessed’

‘Need me my own PA! Soooooo busy today! 3 castings, 1 voiceover, 1 meeting with top director AND a costume fitting!!!! #WhatAmILike?!?!?!?!’

‘Oh NOOOOOOOO. Been offered a totes AMAZING film role but it clashes with the most DIVINE theatre role. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO! #hatemylife’

We all have these. You’re flicking through trying to see which of your old school mates now has the worst hair (hey now, mullets with a copper sheen are very popular in more rural areas) and one of those status updates pops up. You know you should be pleased for them but all you do is scream at the screen and become even more determined to live-tweet Homes Under The Hammer.

Questions about your career.

• Oh of course, I totally know when you’re going to see me in EastEnders. Let me just let the Casting Department know that I’m booking myself in for the 2015 Christmas storyline…
• I do all types of acting. No, not porn.
• Yes, I have been in something you might have seen. Your mum.

These are your stock answers to the stock questions that you will always get. They will usually come from well-meaning folk who, to be fair, have no idea what to say to someone who has willingly chosen to pretend to be a tree for a living.

Seeing friends in plays

Personally I think ‘seeing a friend’s play’ should be the new term for anything that should be discussed behind closed doors and after a thorough check for bugging devices has been carried out.

There is a lot of pressure as an actor when you go to see a friend in something. Firstly, WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU GET SEEN FOR THIS? Oh, I mean, I’m really pleased that my friend is getting this wonderful opportunity. But you will be overly critical. You’ll spend most of your time trying to work out which is the annoying one in the cast (there’s always at least one) and the rest of the time either being insanely jealous (if you liked it) or wishing you’d sat nearer the exit (if you didn’t.)

And then there’s the time in the foyer/bar/street after, especially if you didn’t enjoy it. What do you say? Do you lie? OF COURSE YOU DO…

“OH MY GOD! Well done you! You must be exhausted! How long did it take you to learn all those lines?!”

And, of course, you then realise that you’ve heard those lines before. HANG ON A MINUTE – people said that to YOU the last time YOU were in something. The Circle of Acting Life, friends.

(DISCLAIMER – if you’re a friend and are reading this, I totally loved YOUR play. It must’ve been so hard being on stage that long.)

Shakespeare questions at pub quizzes

• Complete the title: Romeo & ________
• What is Shakespeare’s first name?
• Name any character in Antony & Cleopatra.

Shakespeare is tough and of course you’re going to pretend that you’ve read every single one of his plays and understood it and loved it (“My, Shakespeare! It must’ve taken you so long to write that!) So it’s no surprise that when the inevitable question comes up at the pub quiz, all eyes turn to you. When in doubt, either pretend to have not heard the question, quote the Oxfordian theory that Shakespeare didn’t write the plays anyway so the question is invalid or just answer ‘Leonardo DiCaprio’ and hope for the best.

Playing Charades

Actually, mime and the type of acting you do are two very different things so no, it’s not your fault that it took your nan three hours to work out that you were doing ‘I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.’ Those 3 years at drama school were definitely worth it and the fact you now can’t feel your hands does not bring your acting talent into question.

Not being able to use any other photo apart from your headshot as your profile picture

Guys, this is TOUGH. It’s alright for everyone else, they all have fun photos of them wearing a silly hat at the work Christmas party that they can use. Sure, you’ve got photos like that too but how can you possibly use that when there’s a photo of your airbrushed within an inch of your life? IF YOU DON’T USE THAT THEN HOW ELSE WILL PEOPLE REALISE THAT YOU’RE AN ACTOR AND IT’S THEREFORE OK THAT YOU HAVE FACEBOOK CHAT OPEN ALL DAY?

Daytime TV.

Learning the day’s viewing schedule is very demanding and has meant that you’ve forgotten many important things like why you wanted to be an actor in the first place and the last time you washed your hair. But how else are you meant to know when to have your fifth cup of tea (it’s when you fly for the remote to switch off Loose Women.)

But still, at least we get to do our food shopping on a weekday, eh?

Casting Call Terminology Explained...

Nudity required – you’ll be getting your boobs out.

Partial nudity required – you’ll be getting one boob out.

No nudity required – you’ll be getting your boobs out, we’re just not sure at what point yet.

We're making a film - you'll be getting your boobs out.

We need an actress - you'll be getting your boobs out.

Artistic – you’ll be getting your boobs out but we’ll film you in black and white.

Experimental – you’ll be getting your boobs out but you’ll get to wear a mask.

Brave actors required – you’ll be getting your boobs out in front of our crew which is made up entirely of our mates.

Please note, this is a student production – you’ll be getting your boobs out in front of people who may not have seen boobs before.

Historical – you’ll be getting your boobs out but it’s fine because that’s what they used to do in the olden days.

Futuristic – you’ll be getting your boobs out because regardless of what happens in the future, films will always need naked women.

Film noir - you'll be getting your boobs out but it's fine because it's classy and that makes everything ok. 

Documentary – you’ll be getting your boobs out but it’s fine because that’s what happened. Honest.

Mockumentary – you’ll be getting your boobs out because we reckon doing a mockumentary on the porn industry is well edgy.

Shakespeare – you’ll be getting your boobs out because we reckon setting Hamlet in a brothel is well edgy.

Indie - you'll be getting your boobs out because everything has to be well edgy.

Pantomime – you’ll be getting your boobs out because ALI BOOBIE AND THE NAUGHTY THIEVES.

Horror – you’ll be getting your boobs out just so you can die horrifically.

Sci-fi – you’ll be getting your boobs out and LASERS.

Comedy – you’ll be getting your boobs out because you’re the only woman in this and rules are rules.

Children’s theatre – you’ll be getting your boobs because, er, solidarity with the breastfeeding mums? Yeah. That’ll do.

We're casting Game of Thrones - you'll be getting your boobs out with dragons.

We're casting a new HBO show - you'll be getting your boobs out but at least loads of people will see them when they illegally download the show.

We're casting a new BBC show - you'll be getting your boobs out but no one will really care because Benedict Cumberbatch is in the next scene. 

This is a low budget film – you’ll be getting your boobs out and are expected to be grateful for the Zones 1 & 2 travelcard and a bag of Wotsits.

We’ll be taking this show to Edinburgh – you’ll be getting your boobs out which will be a nice memory when you’re in bed recovering from pneumonia.

We’ve already had interest in this film – you’ll be getting your boobs out so that we can keep them interested.

You must have trained at an accredited drama school - you'll be getting your boobs out because these are no university mammaries, they're RADA mammaries.

We'll be entering this into film festivals - you'll be getting your boobs out because, hey, they kept up their side of the bargain, so...

No pay but many members of our crew have won awards – you’ll be getting your boobs out because BE GRATEFUL THAT YOU’RE GETTING TO SHOW YOUR NIPS TO A BOOM OPERATOR WHO GOT THEIR DofE BRONZE.

No pay but this will look great on your CV – you’ll be getting your boobs out because every actress deserves to have ‘Naked Girl’ on their Spotlight page at least once.

No pay but this will great on your showreel - you'll be getting your boobs out because who doesn't want a constant reminder of the time they got naked in a stranger's flat?

No pay but we will feed you - you'll be getting your boobs out because we bought you pizza, goddamnit.

No pay and we won't be covering expenses - you'll be getting your boobs out because OH PLEASE JUST GET YOUR BOOBS OUT. Game of Thrones gets boobs all the time. Now we want them. BOOBS. 

An Invitation

Dear all,

To celebrate the 1st birthday of Casting Call Woe, I'd like to invite you all to a very special party.

You will all be picked up at 7pm sharp...

No pay unfortunately but you will get to ride in a white stretch limo with a midget and the band.

Please note that there is a very strict dress code...

NUDITY IS TOP OFF NO BRA

Skirt so short you feel raped just walking past her

if u want wear your sexy bikini

Those wishing to come in fancy dress are more than welcome to do so but please note there are just a few rules...

We're looking for individuals to dress up in an oversized female genitalia costume

We need some girls to be psychotic nuns. You need to be willing to be topless too

She wears an unpractically sexy knight's outfit

Clothes size is important as the Grim Reaper robes are only available in SMALL

All guests are welcome to bring a partner. However, if you are, there are further strict dress codes...

Actor: full suit of armour. Actress: full nudity.

Male - fully clothed. Female - dressed in thong, semi-naked at times, has to do casting in underwear.

Men bring suits, women bring sexy gangster outfits and lingerie. 

Also, please note:

There will be a prize for best dressed

There will be a drinks reception on arrival...

The first 10 actors to turn up get a free drink from me. It's the least I can do.

A few notes regarding catering:

Main roles in a music video available. The band will do the catering. 

I can't afford payment but I can bring as much juice and biscuits as humanly possible. Biscuits are wicked. 

This will be unpaid & voluntary. However there is a place that does beautiful falafels around there. 

And for any of those with special dietary requirements...

We require you to be able to bring a packed lunch if we have a full day shooting.

There will be dancing...

Please note the frog doesn't need contemporary dance skills.

Willing to barn dance on camera.

And there will be entertainment...

Fagin on stilts.

And there will be goody bags for all...

Unpaid but you'll get to take home a small bag of coffee.

Carriages at midnight...

Sorry I can't pay but I can pick you up and drop you home.

Please note, I can't be held responsible for any guests that are remaining after midnight...

You will be turned to mince at the hands of the pitman.

Please RSVP at your earliest convenience...

Girls welcome, boys preferred.

Your esteemed host,

Miss L
(Her once striking good looks have simmered down to a kind of smutty mess.) 

The Easiest Job In The World

"Wow. Being an actor must be really hard."

I hear this a lot. I think most people say it upon hearing that someone's an actor and I hope it's not just reserved for me when they look at my pitiful CV and can't think of anything else to say. I usually mumble something incoherently that demeans the hard work I've put in over the last 8 years to being a fully-fledged rester. They then think wistfully about their boring job and healthy bank balance and wander off to book another holiday while I'm left wondering if the free bar is still running.

But being an actor is hard. It's bloody hard in fact. What other job forces you, on a daily basis, to consider whether you're more suited to playing:

A cautious orange male hippo

or

Nude ghost

But, of course, all that hard work is worth it because when we do get work we're extremely well looked after. In fact, when looking at casting calls, I feel bit embarrassed about just how much we get in return for our work. The uneasy feeling of privilege sweeps across you when you realise you could be working with diamonds such as these:

Payment: Free food & entry to a raffle.

You'll preferably make a nice cup of coffee when we're all a little hungover at rehearsals.

No pay but the actor with the best outfit will win a prize.

It's not the levels of cheap alcohol we consume that leaves actors red-faced, it's the sheer embarrassment at just how well we're treated. And then there's all the people that we get to work with. When we're looking for work, we're constantly being reassured that being an actor is the safest job in the world:

We'd be delighted to take a clipping of your hair just for effect.

You'll be able to stay with the Director and DOP in his parent's house.

I'm seeking an impersonator who can act as my mum when me and my mum cannot meet up.

How can a job be difficult when we get to associate with such folk? And you can never complain about a career choice that lets you maintain constantly maintain such high levels of pride. Jobs such as these act as a wonderful reminder that we chose the right path:

Must be willing to have a condom full of condensed milk thrown at her face.

She is painted silver (nude), wears an elephant mask and is coated in gravy.

Please be prepared to muck in with the crew on the day as your role won't be significant. 

The director hopes to highlight George's distance from Jane by never having her in focus.

See? It's super easy. And you know what's even easier? Getting the job. In fact, it's madness that we're not working every single day of our jazz-hands filled lives:

Actress: You could prepare a monologue. Actors: You don't have to prepare anything.

To avoid time-wasting, the director's requested full-frontal nudity in the audition.

And when we're not working, it's so lovely to know that a filmmaker's main priority is bettering all the actors out there. Our well-being is at the forefront of their minds meaning that our reassurance levels are being constantly topped up:

We can pay for any cosmetic surgery she may require for the movie. 

I may require you to eat less that what you normally eat to perform well for the role.

But, of course, maybe I'm just being picky:

There's something unnerving about her. Maybe she's just read too many books.



All casting calls are taken from my Casting Call Woe Tumblr. A terrifying look at really horrible and horribly real casting calls.

Casting Call Woe - Recent Highlights

As I'm sure you're all very well aware, as well as this blog and my incessant Twittering, I also run the Tumblr site Casting Call Woe. The world of castings has become soul-itchingly horrible that I felt the very worst should be put up for all the world to see and have a good ol' cry/laugh at. However, some of the delights tend to get a bit lost so here's a selection of some of my favourites from the last month... (and yes, if you're new to this, these are all real.)

She gets a couple of lines, a light-hearted orgy scene and then gets kicked through a window.

Please eat before coming on set.

This has the potential to be the next Buffy/Angel/True Blood, except it's about an elf living in London.

The budget for this film doesn't exist.

The director hopes to highlight George's distance from Jane by never having her in focus.

The harnessed kids are used as slaves to work for the aliens.

No nudity but actresses confident in bikinis and hotpants will be a plus for water and pillow fights. 

Skirt so short you feel raped just walking past her.

Nudity is not required but may be encouraged.

We're looking for individuals to dress up in an oversized female genitalia costume.

The Hand Biting Princess

After seeing this casting call: I want an actress who doesn't need paying,   Miss L responds...

Dear Director/Filmmaker/Bloody Chancer

I was incredibly excited to read about your upcoming film and just had to contact you to offer my services because I believe I am the hand biting princess you're looking for. You sound like such an understanding and generous director that I’d never forgive myself for missing the possibility to work with you.

Let me introduce myself; my name is Miss L and I’m the actress you need for this thrilling project. I LOVE a film with a dream sequence, I'm well good at pretending to talk in slow motion and I've heard of emotions before. I also studied drama at school and I'm a Sagittarius so archers are totally my thing.

You say that virtually everything has been sourced without cost well it's time to add ‘actress’ to that list because I cost nothing. I travel everywhere by the power of flight and I live off thin-air so have next to no expenses. I live in an imaginary house that’s heated by kind-spirited fairies and I wash in petals provided by voluntary pixies. I wear clothes that have been made by sparrows and I drink rain water straight from the sky.

I notice you said that there may be some money from your Kickstarter project but please don’t waste your parent’s money on me. You’ve said you only want to pay those who deserve it and there’s no way that I would deserve it. The time I’d be taking out to be in your film, the hours I’d spend working on your script, the other jobs I might turn down just to work with you, none of these would allow me to qualify for your hard-earned cash. The years I’ve spent working on my craft and the fact that this is my career really mean that I’m the least deserving actress you could possibly meet. It would make me much happier knowing that the money went straight to you, the most truly deserving of us all.

You’re right to seek actresses with the qualification of wanting to work on something whether they get paid or not. I spent three years at drama school and I was so pleased when I got a first in being able to work for free. I wish I could describe to you the pride my parents felt when I graduated with the possibility to just live off the passion of wanting to act. And that’s why I was also so pleased to see that you’re holding auditions so therefore don’t need someone with any experience. Thank god I’ve forgotten everything I’ve learnt from the past 7 years of working as an actress! You have no idea how much it pleases me to realise that all those lessons I learnt are utterly useless. 

I see you’ve yet to provide a schedule apart from 23 March and are very keen to not bother with timewasters. So that I can match your precious criteria, I have cancelled everything that I had planned for the next three months. You also say that you won’t consider anyone who can't make the casting so, as you haven’t provided an audition date, I will organise nothing until I hear from you. I trust this is acceptable and means that I’m the ‘right girl’ for you.

I’m so glad you said that your film will be like Game of Thrones but in Devon without the budget. For me, these are the things that ruin Game of Thrones. The fact that a production company has actually put some money into something, paid all the actors fairly and produced a high quality programme really ruins it for me. Knowing all those actors are being paid for their job and having to watch a series that has had time and money put into it makes me physically sick. And there’s not an episode of Game of Thrones that I watch where I don’t wish they’d feature Plymouth National Marine Aquarium or Crealy Great Adventure Park. Clearly you are a man of taste.

Now, I must admit that I am unable to ride a horse but the fact you can teach me is all I need to know. 

Of course, it’s 2^nd March today and you’re hoping to start shooting on 23^rd March. I imagine once you’ve got me in for a casting and given me the role, that should give us 2 weeks for you to teach me to ride a horse. I imagine that with all this time plus the fact I watched some of the dressage events during the Olympics last year mean that I’ll pick it up in no time. Not only will I be able to ride a horse but I’ll be able to ride a horse to such a level that I can also act while doing it and not injure either myself or anyone else.

I was going to tell you a bit more about myself but, quite frankly, as a great person once said, I literally can’t sell this enough so I’m not even going to try. Opportunities like this DO NOT come along often. If you’re not biting my hand off for the chance, you really shouldn’t be trying to make a film.

Oh, and I’m so pleased to hear about all the awards this film is already set to win despite the fact it hasn’t even been made yet. Due to your superior psychic abilities, I probably don't need to tell you this but I too have already won a string of BAFTAs and Oscars for films I’ve yet to appear in so I think we’ll work extremely well together. 

I realise that you don’t currently have much time, so much so that you felt the need to mention it in your casting call which must mean you’re extremely busy indeed. I therefore hope that this application of mine hasn’t taken up what precious little free time you have. 

Oh, and you also mentioned in your casting call that you're talking horses. THAT IS AMAZING.

Yours bitingly,

Miss L

1551

You know I don’t actually enjoy blogging about unpaid work, right? Despite my countless entries on it, I don’t actually get a kick from it. Well, I do. My love for this job gets a kicking as does my poor and feeble bank account. But I don’t get a thrill from it, I promise. All I get from it is a desire to climb up on the roof and scream for the rest of the week. But, yet again, I find myself blogging about it. I’m sorry but it’s happening. So you can either look away now or you can come with me on a little brief journey… You still with me? Excellent, now follow me…

I had no intentions of writing about unpaid work because I was pretty sure I’d said all I wanted to on the matter. But yesterday, eager to get started on 2013 and hoping that the castings would start appearing as everyone gets back to work proper, I practically leapt on the casting websites. I checked the paid jobs on one particular site and found one measly, grossly underpaid role to apply for on the woefully meagre list. Cover letter and CV fired off, I checked the unpaid jobs to see if there were any gems I could share on Twitter. Despite it being mid-morning, there was already a full page of unpaid jobs. As the day went on, the unpaid list increased quicker than my Christmas waistline and I had trouble keeping up with them. At the end of play (about 5.30pm when casting calls ground to a halt and hopes of a productive and fruitful day die yet again) there were 15 paid jobs and 51 unpaid jobs. That, maths fans, means that for every paid job, there are 3.4 unpaid jobs scavenging around, making everyone feel a bit uneasy. I'm not saying that it's this bad every day but I can say that every single day, the amount of unpaid work will always outnumber paid work. Always.

This is worrying. And it’s no wonder that Spotlight are now planning a consultation on the matter (if you’re a Spotlight member and are yet to complete the survey they’re emailing out, please do so. It only takes a minute or so and is super important.) But the sheer amount of unpaid work out there is continuing to be a problem. I’m not sure I can say anything new that I haven’t said before. I personally don’t take on unpaid work anymore but I used to so I don’t feel like I can be in a position to tell people what they should and shouldn’t do. I’d like to ask people to stop doing it because while people happily do it, it will continue. And it’s not just the small independent filmmakers and students that are the problem (and I’m not saying that none of them pay, some of them do which is wonderful) but it’s the big, major channels that are to blame too. Most weeks I’ll see castings posted by terrestrial channels asking for performers to work for expenses only. This sets a terrible example and show just how big this problem is. If the major companies aren’t prepared to pay everyone then you can hardly blame the smaller companies for following suit. 

And it’s not just expenses only work. Yesterday, on the particular website that gave up the depressing 15/51 statistic, around half of those jobs weren’t even offering expenses. These were jobs that expected actors to essentially pay to work just so they could receive a DVD maybe a year later and perhaps an IMDb credit on a page that no one will ever look at. I’ve even seen jobs that don’t even offer food for their crew and performers. However desperate you might be for work, please don’t take on these jobs. If they can’t even be bothered to make a few sandwiches and buy a few bags of crisps then I can almost guarantee that the on-set experience won’t be a fun one. But of course people are still applying for these jobs. The amount of work out there has decreased to such a depressing level that people just want to be doing something, anything to confirm to themselves that they are in fact an actor and not a temp or a call centre worker or whatever other job you find yourself doing to keep the money-hungry wolves from the door. I desperately need to update my showreel but I didn’t get any work last year that I’d be able to put on it. I’m still waiting for a copy of some work I did back in 2011 (chasing this up has become an almost full-time job) but while I have an out of date showreel, the jobs are that bit harder to get. So it’s no surprise that people take on unpaid work just so they can get a bit of material and maybe edge their way out of this ridiculous catch-22.

Hopefully Spotlight’s findings will bring about change. Or maybe 2013 will just be another year of me constantly whinging about a problem that won’t go away. If it’s the latter, I’m sorry. I really am.