Spinning Plates

During my day job a while ago, I was asked if this is what I did for a living. I was explaining that no, not technically, although it did take up most of my time.

'Oh, what else do you do?' 

I explained that, really, I was an actor. 

'Oh, so what acting work are you doing at the moment?' 

'Well, nothing at the moment.' 

I starting explaining that I'd recently done a couple of things, a couple of corporates, some role play, a voiceover job. 

'Have you got any acting work coming up.'

'Not right now but you never know.'

I suddenly realised that, to this stranger, I might as well have said that I was an astronaut. No, NASA don't know anything about me but I saw some stars recently and I'm pretty sure that I spotted the ISS flying past although it could have been a plane. 

I think there are two very distinct stages of being an actor, There are the times when you can very proudly declare, 'I am an ACTOR,' as someone luckily asks what you do for a living when you're in a whirl of auditions and acting work and emails asking for your availability. Then there are the times when you mumble, 'Well, technically I'm an actor,' as someone unfortunately asks what you do for a living when you're in a whirl of day jobs and commuting and emails asking if you fancy coming back to your old call centre job. 

When you're in your proud stage, it's glorious. THIS is what you expected at drama school, this flurry of spinning plates, you're doing it so expertly and you realise that this is what you're born to do. Then suddenly you remember that you have to eat off one of those spinning plates, then you see that one has a crack in it that needs mending and, oh, here comes someone else spinning the same plates as you but, hang on, where did they learn that Triple Platter Spin into Double Saucer Dive? It's then that you realise you're all spinning those same bloody plates from Ikea and you realise that you've been trying to keep them spinning for so long that you're not 100% sure what happens if you just stop.

Stopping is terrifying. Everyone thinks you're a plate spinner. You've dedicated your life to being a plate spinner. Your parents gave you money to go to plate spinning school. Everyone you went to school with knows you're a plate spinner. All the other plate spinners compare their plate spinning to yours and you know that if you stop spinning, everyone will assume that you're not very good at plate spinning anymore. 

The thing is, there are many reasons to stop spinning plates. It might be that want to try a new technique, or maybe you fancy a break so you can save up for some better plates or maybe, just maybe, your arms are just fucking tired. 

I made a decision a few years ago to not beat myself up over a lack of work. I worry sometimes that this attitude makes me a terrible actor, that I'm not committed enough to the cause. Social media can make you feel that if you're not living and breathing your acting career as well as making mnemonics to remember every casting director for every show in London right now then you're doing it wrong. The truth is, since I made this little pledge to myself, I've never been happier about my career. Sure, I'm not going up for the biggest acting roles but I also don't make myself feel like a worthless piece of crap every day either. 

I think I've realised that I like doing a little bit of everything. 

*rewind back to the spinning plates*

I'm a big fan of the picky tea. Or the bits plate. Or bits and pieces. Whatever you called it in your house, it's that tea that you'd have on a Sunday evening. A bit of cheese. Some crisps. Maybe a little sausage roll or pork pie. Some carrot batons. You might add some cherry tomatoes if you're not me. A gloriously crispy and tangy pickled onion. Nowadays it will also include some olives or artichoke hearts, some hummus and those bloody quinoa crisps that are too addictive for their own good. It's a beautiful fridge buffet that although looks like a mish-mash of leftovers, is actually a stunningly thought-out thing of all the things you enjoy. It's comforting and lovely and satisfying and, best of all, 

That's the plate that I want to keep spinning. Some acting work. Some writing work. My day job. Trawling casting call sites. Role play. Dedicated time to watch Drag Race. Thinking up excuses so I can blame a lack of acting work on National Sandwich Week or International Leaf Day. It's taken me eleven years to realise that this is how I like to do things. It might not make the most successful actor and it might not always give me the most exciting answers when someone asks if I've got any acting work coming up but, for me, there's less stress, I enjoy it and sometimes, just sometimes, there might be a pickled onion. 

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I've recently set up a Ko-fi page where the idea is that, if you like what someone does, you treat them to a virtual cup of coffee by donating them the money of what a coffee would be in a reasonably pricey cafe. I'm not a fan of coffee, I'm more of a tea person myself, and, to be honest, just people reading, sharing and commenting on what I do is payment enough but sometimes going through these casting calls requires much tea-based comfort so, you know, it's there if you fancy it... ko-fi.com/castingcallwoe 

Women: Hardly Seen & Rarely Heard

Some worrying news emerged for actresses this week. No, it's not that the casting 'She's kind and hot. She's thin but she has big boobs' exists but it's news that female speaking roles in films are the lowest they've been in five years. A study of the top 100 grossing films in the US in 2012 showed that of the 4475 speaking roles, just 28.4% of those roles were female. If you're wondering what that looks like in graph form, wonder no more...

Pretty upsetting, right? But all joking aside (please, take time to appreciate it, it took far longer to make than you'd think...) it's a pretty serious statistic. If just over a quarter of speaking roles in films are being played by women then something has gone seriously wrong. And what's even more disturbing is that a third of those women lucky enough to be allowed to speak on screen were then put in clothes deemed sexually revealing. Those who read my website Casting Call Woe won't be surprised that this figure is so high, but still, it makes for pretty depressing reading. And it gets worse when you look at female teenage roles where just over half were considered to be dressed provocatively. That's bloody horrible and what's worse is that these figures are improving, they've been very steadily getting worse.

And it's not just actresses that are getting a rough deal, it's happening for all women in the industry. If you look again at the top 100 grossing films in the US last year (don't look too hard, Prometheus is in there...) then the lack of female writers, producers and directors is even worse. In that list there are just 9 female writers, 35 female directors and 164 female producers. Compare these to the 103 male directors, 223 male writers and 693 male producers and it all starts to get very disconcerting indeed.

So what's being done to redress the balance? Sadly 2013 doesn't look like it's going to help balance the scantily-clad figures. First up we have The World's End which I know a lot of us are excited about. But take a look at their trailer and it's a minute before a woman utters a line, and that's the only line said by a woman amidst shots of women dressed in school uniforms. And it's hardly surprising as when you look at the film's IMDb page there are just 2 women listed on the first page among 13 men. But that's just one film that focuses on male friendship so what about the other films coming up this year? Well there's The Hangover 3, Pacific Rim, the next in the tedious The Hobbit trilogy, the next Anchorman, This Is The End and The Wolverine. Yes, these films have women in but it's safe to say that men feature pretty damn heavily. Most of them are written by men, directed by men and feature a lot of men. "Where are the women?" I hear you cry. I honestly have no idea. There's a few in the new Hunger Games film and I think The Great Gatsby got a couple but, on the whole, there few and far between, much like their costumes.

The problem isn't the lack of women within the industry. There are women out there. Lots of them, all doing brilliant and wonderful things. The problem is that the industry seems to want to target a male audience and that seems to mean that men are top of the menu while the ladies are at the back in the 'sides' section that no one can seem to find.

Oh, and if anyone dares use Bridesmaids as an argument, that came out two years ago. It won't work any more.

Acting Chops

Casting: 'Must have acting chops.'

Times have been hard lately. The cost of living has gone up dramatically to the point where people can barely afford to eat. Consumers have little money but they have even less trust when it comes to what they eat. The horse meat scandal has left buyers wary about the meat they buy and the industry has had to come up with a cheap alternative to ensure shoppers don't ditch meat entirely and all become reluctant vegetarians.

The meat producers of the UK sat around a table and wondered what to do. Where could they find a cheap source of meat that wouldn't cause a scandal? The world had already shown that there were only so many animals they'd put up with on their menus so what could the possibly do? Suggestions flew around the table but they knew the public wouldn't put up with eating cushions, reformed sand or reconstituted feathers. Running short of ideas, they take a break and put on the TV. And that's when they realised there was a resource they'd completely forgotten about: actors.

They hurried back into the meeting room, revealed a crisp new piece of paper on the flip chart and after only a couple of minutes they realised this idea could work. They firstly looked at the population of actors and soon saw that if they marketed this as a humane cull then the government would have to go with it. The country was awash with actors, most of them hadn't even been nominated for a Soap Award so surely they wouldn't be missed.  One of the representatives had a quick flick through a TV guide and saw that actors were barely being used anymore. Most of the channels were full of reality shows and adverts only want 'real' people now so what use were actors anyway?

They then looked at the best way to farm actors. It's well known that actors are able to live off very little, often not needing much more than a suspiciously wet egg sandwich and the promise of a Viscount biscuit later. This would keep their costs low and also ensure their meat was lean and healthy, just want consumers want. And, thanks to drama schools, there would be an endless supply of new meat entering the food chain.

But would buyers go for it? Although the general public aren't that fond of actors, even they would realise that this is cannibalism? That's when the marketing team got involved. They could put on the packs what the actor had starred in. A bit strapped for cash this week? Why not try the budget range where you can eat minced Johnny who appeared in a schools' tour of Little Red Riding Hood for 8 miserable months or maybe some diced Matilda who once worked on a short film where they forgot to take the cap off the lens. Had a pay rise? Then you'll be wanting the Premiere range where you feast on the finest cuts of Stella who starred in Doctors...twice!

The plan was put in motion and within weeks the world was feasting on the choicest cuts of prime actor. But of course, they soon ran into problems. As they dined on the best resters in the land, they noticed they couldn't go on holiday any more because there were no temps to cover them. Charities started making less money as there was no one making calls and harassing people in the streets. The perfume industry completely collapsed. But who cared? The tubes were quieter, the streets of Soho were empty and they no longer had to make polite conversation with out of work actors. They had entered a golden age that had the hue of roast thesp and it was glorious...

The Not-So-Secret Actor

The Guardian has started a new blog called The Secret Actor. You can read it here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/culture/2013/apr/15/the-secret-actor-auditions?INTCMP=SRCH As an anonymous actor blogger myself, it made me bloody angry. In fact, I've barely stopped thinking about it all day. The thought that people might even consider that this accurately represents all actors has stuck with me for hours. So here is my response, the result of nearly 8 hours of festering musings. Enjoy (I hope)...

I'm not a well known actor. In fact, you'll never have heard of me. Yes, I'm anonymous but that's because I'm one of thousands. Even if I told you my name it would mean very little because there are so many others like me. Y'see, I'm part of The Great 98%. I'm in an exclusive club made up of a collective of actors who are lucky if they earn 35p a year and a lifetime's supply of sweaty sandwiches. Yes. I'm one of those 'unsuccessful' actors.

The Lucky 2% may have had some depressing, hilarious and outrageous encounters along the way. They've had tortuous auditions where they've had to hold up a bit of paper where their name has been misspelt. I know, makes your heart bleed doesn't it? But don't worry, that's in their past now. It's an amusing little anecdote they can tell while they remain safe in the knowledge that they can pay their rent without having to sign half their life away to a soulless call centre. The Lucky 2% may have some funny tales to tell but it's The Great 98% who are living it. Our lives are one long depressing, hilarious and outrageous encounter.

Oh to be humiliated by a piece of paper. Those of us in The Great 98% can only dream of auditions where the worst that can possibly happen is someone spelling our name wrong. If we're lucky enough to even get an audition we face far more degrading ordeals than the 'mugshot experience.' I've crawled around on the floor for three hours pretending to be a neanderthal while a production company threw chunks of stale bread at us to fight over. I've had to nervously hum 'Happy Birthday' in a dingy cellar, lit only by an angle-poise lamp and my own shame. I've had to pretend that I'm reading the news while aliens try to contact Earth via my teeth. I've run up and down a church hall for a solid 10 minutes in a swimming costume. I've been told that I should be ashamed of a reasonable character choice that I made. I've wandered around a building site for nearly 2 hours because the director didn't show up. I've fallen over more times than I dare to remember and I've fluffed my lines in front of some of the biggest casting directors in the world. I've misunderstood directions to the point where I've essentially made a fort out of every object in the room and I've worn the tightest jeans in the world to a movement audition. So, when all someone asks me to do is hold a piece of paper with my name spelt a bit wrong, you can see why it takes all my willpower to not hug them forever.

Yeah, being an actor is tough but a lot of people are struggling right now. I know actors can sometimes come across as selfish and self-obsessed but those traits aren't exclusive to actors. We chose this job and yes, we may complain about it but no one's making us do it. The 'poor me' routine won't work while there are around 2.5 million people unemployed in the UK at the moment and the majority of people are having a far worse time than we are. The nature of our work means we have to keep a close eye on ourselves most of the time but many of us are pretty good at keeping that other eye trained on the rest of the world. It makes us better actors and better people.

People think the acting industry is hugely sociable but I'm sure I speak for many actors when I say that it's very easy to feel rather lonely in this career. The reason I started writing this blog is because I wanted others to realise that it wasn't just them. We all, whatever job you may do, have those moments where we wonder what the heck we're doing and can't imagine anyone else is going through the same thing. So thank you, Secret Actor. Thank you for bringing solidarity to The Great 98%.

1551

You know I don’t actually enjoy blogging about unpaid work, right? Despite my countless entries on it, I don’t actually get a kick from it. Well, I do. My love for this job gets a kicking as does my poor and feeble bank account. But I don’t get a thrill from it, I promise. All I get from it is a desire to climb up on the roof and scream for the rest of the week. But, yet again, I find myself blogging about it. I’m sorry but it’s happening. So you can either look away now or you can come with me on a little brief journey… You still with me? Excellent, now follow me…

I had no intentions of writing about unpaid work because I was pretty sure I’d said all I wanted to on the matter. But yesterday, eager to get started on 2013 and hoping that the castings would start appearing as everyone gets back to work proper, I practically leapt on the casting websites. I checked the paid jobs on one particular site and found one measly, grossly underpaid role to apply for on the woefully meagre list. Cover letter and CV fired off, I checked the unpaid jobs to see if there were any gems I could share on Twitter. Despite it being mid-morning, there was already a full page of unpaid jobs. As the day went on, the unpaid list increased quicker than my Christmas waistline and I had trouble keeping up with them. At the end of play (about 5.30pm when casting calls ground to a halt and hopes of a productive and fruitful day die yet again) there were 15 paid jobs and 51 unpaid jobs. That, maths fans, means that for every paid job, there are 3.4 unpaid jobs scavenging around, making everyone feel a bit uneasy. I'm not saying that it's this bad every day but I can say that every single day, the amount of unpaid work will always outnumber paid work. Always.

This is worrying. And it’s no wonder that Spotlight are now planning a consultation on the matter (if you’re a Spotlight member and are yet to complete the survey they’re emailing out, please do so. It only takes a minute or so and is super important.) But the sheer amount of unpaid work out there is continuing to be a problem. I’m not sure I can say anything new that I haven’t said before. I personally don’t take on unpaid work anymore but I used to so I don’t feel like I can be in a position to tell people what they should and shouldn’t do. I’d like to ask people to stop doing it because while people happily do it, it will continue. And it’s not just the small independent filmmakers and students that are the problem (and I’m not saying that none of them pay, some of them do which is wonderful) but it’s the big, major channels that are to blame too. Most weeks I’ll see castings posted by terrestrial channels asking for performers to work for expenses only. This sets a terrible example and show just how big this problem is. If the major companies aren’t prepared to pay everyone then you can hardly blame the smaller companies for following suit. 

And it’s not just expenses only work. Yesterday, on the particular website that gave up the depressing 15/51 statistic, around half of those jobs weren’t even offering expenses. These were jobs that expected actors to essentially pay to work just so they could receive a DVD maybe a year later and perhaps an IMDb credit on a page that no one will ever look at. I’ve even seen jobs that don’t even offer food for their crew and performers. However desperate you might be for work, please don’t take on these jobs. If they can’t even be bothered to make a few sandwiches and buy a few bags of crisps then I can almost guarantee that the on-set experience won’t be a fun one. But of course people are still applying for these jobs. The amount of work out there has decreased to such a depressing level that people just want to be doing something, anything to confirm to themselves that they are in fact an actor and not a temp or a call centre worker or whatever other job you find yourself doing to keep the money-hungry wolves from the door. I desperately need to update my showreel but I didn’t get any work last year that I’d be able to put on it. I’m still waiting for a copy of some work I did back in 2011 (chasing this up has become an almost full-time job) but while I have an out of date showreel, the jobs are that bit harder to get. So it’s no surprise that people take on unpaid work just so they can get a bit of material and maybe edge their way out of this ridiculous catch-22.

Hopefully Spotlight’s findings will bring about change. Or maybe 2013 will just be another year of me constantly whinging about a problem that won’t go away. If it’s the latter, I’m sorry. I really am.

Undramatic Irony

“We’ve got this really good idea for a film. How about we make a film about how tough it is being an actor. How talented they are but how tough it can be to get a break. How, to support their dreams they have to take on jobs that they don’t want. What do you think?”

“Sounds great. What’s the budget?”

“We don’t have one.”

“So you’re making those actors, playing struggling actors, work for free.”

“Yes.”

“I hate you.”

I imagine this is what would happen if the production team behind a particular casting out at the moment had the misfortune of telling me about their upcoming film. The deleted scene would then show me shoving all my bank statements down their sickening throats and garrotting them slowly and painfully with my woeful tax return. 

The premise of the film is entirely expected. At some point, all actors will have a go at writing a film. Some of them will be bloody awesome. Many of them will be about as good a read as toaster instructions. And of course, as we’re often told to write about what we know, actors will inevitably write about the lives of actors. Heck, even I’ve thought about it. I’ve scribbled down a few ideas. It’s lurking on my computer somewhere with all the other half-baked ideas I’ve had, all sat there as a constant reminder of how horribly short my attention sp- Sorry, I just stopped to watch a video of two cats fighting in French. It was great.

But if I ever got the point where I put my ideas on to camera, I’d damn well make my actors were getting paid. I mean, I’d pay actors all the time otherwise as, given all my Twitter and blog rants regarding pay, I’d be left with about as many legs to stand on as a drunk spider after an encounter with a particularly evil-minded three year old. But if you’re making a film about how tough it is being an actor then bloody hell, wouldn’t you make sure you weren’t that dick? The irony of it all appears to have smacked them round the face so hard that they think the only way actors can play unpaid actors is by not paying them. Because, of course, actors don’t understand how difficult it is to be an actor. We have no idea what it’s like to take on demoralising, low-paid jobs just to keep our dreams wheezing and spluttering. We don’t know what it’s like to be constantly worrying about money or whether we’ll ever get a break. Oh no. We need incompetent fools to not pay us in their precious little film to ensure our performances are real.  

I’m tempted to apply. Just so I can tell them where to stick their stupid film and their ridiculous ideas on how actors should be treated. I’d like to tell them how utterly hateful they are and how everything is wasted on them. I’d like to stand guard and stop any actor taking part in this insult upon our profession. But mostly I’d just like them to go away. And never, ever come back.