And The Award Goes To

After castings calls, BAFTA* are often the next source of my frustration. I take out a lot on them. To be honest, I pretty much blame them for anything that goes wrong in my career. The fact that I've yet to be on TV (apart from my 2 seconds smiling and nodding next to someone else) is entirely their fault. The fact that I still haven't been in a film that doesn't involve a feckless student fumbling around with a third-rate camera is also their fault. And the fact that I still haven't won a bloody BAFTA? Most definitely their fault.

So, it was with gritted teeth and envious eyes that I watched the BAFTA TV awards last night. I mean, I say watched, but I actually switched on for the final hour. Thankfully I managed to catch both Emily Watson's and Dominic West's beautifully eloquent speeches and although I haven't yet seen Appropriate Adult, I couldn't agree more with their receiving of awards. This Is England '88 were also worthy winners as was Borgen, Stewart Lee, Rolf Harris, Monica Dolan and Steven Moffat. But then the downsides came along. Two massive downsides...

Firstly I can't do a blog about the BAFTAs without mentioning the thoroughly depressing award for 'Reality & Structured Factual.' It's such a heart-sinking title that has left my little ticker thrashing and flailing for air. BAFTA's mission statement on their website reads as:

The British Academy of Film and Television Arts (BAFTA) supports, promotes and develops the art forms of the moving image - film, television and video games - by identifying and rewarding excellence, inspiring practitioners and benefiting the public.
As the leading charity in the UK supporting the art forms of the moving image, BAFTA ensures that the very best creative work can be accessed and appreciated by the public.

So how the heck does promoting utter dross such as Made In Chelsea help them do this? How on Earth does a show that follows the made up and inconsequential lives of a few fame hungry airheads in west London help promote art forms? I understand that these programmes are bafflingly popular but it's so distressing to see these shows being made and promoted when we're told that there's not enough money for well-made dramas and comedy to be produced. We are capable of producing such wonderful programmes in this country and it's very upsetting to see a show that promotes an image that you can only be viewed as successful if you prance about in Mahiki every night being recognised by an organisation that's supposed to support the arts.

And then we get onto my next gripe... the fact that not all the awards were aired. Now, I realise that it would take a long time to show all 27 awards being handed out but maybe, instead of encouraging those giving awards to indulge in the type of banter that makes your whole body cringe, they could dedicate that time to making sure that all awards are aired. But as it was, a number of awards including those for Best Single Drama, Best Comedy Series, Best Single Documentary and Best Current Affairs. Now what does that say to you about the world of television? What Dominic West said in his speech is true; television is an incredibly important resource in ensuring the world is educated. But BAFTA seem to think that constructed reality shows and the coverage of The Royal Wedding are far more important than programmes that uncover the truth about our care systems and wonderfully made dramas. That's the sorry state that television has got itself into and it's sad to see a company that is perceived as the one that upholds quality and important programming, is helping to TV on its downward spiral.


*BAFTA, if you're reading this, I will totally delete this blog if you finally come to your senses and hand over that award that I totally deserve...thanks...

Six Years On

Six years ago today I was one excited little person. Six years ago today I thought I was a couple of hours away from the start of a glittering career. Six years ago today I was mid-way through my final performance within the cottonwool-lined walls of the cocoon that is drama school. Six years ago tomorrow I woke up with a vicious hangover and a wondering of what on earth I was supposed to do with the rest of my life.

During my final performance, I'm pretty sure I was naively convinced that this would be the lowest point of my career. I loved the play I was in but I believed there were bigger and better things to come. Had I known then that my first job would consist of me travelling around Oxfordshire in a terrible white dress for almost no money then I'm sure you'd still find me cowering in the box-like singing room, clutching on to someone's discarded practice skirt and gnawing on my copy of Contacts. If I'd known that over the last few weeks I'd be using the phrase 'It's just so quiet out there at the moment' like it's going out of fashion quicker than monologues at auditions then I'd still be in the canteen now guzzling cheap baked potatoes. If I'd known then that I'd now gone for nearly a month without an audition then I'm pretty sure the students there now would refer to me as the drama school ghost who wanders aimlessly around the dressing rooms.

However, if you'd mentioned to me that within six years I'd have starred in an advert with one of my comedy heroes and that every single audition I get would send such a thrill through me that I feel like the most importnat person in the world then I'd probably have raced off that stage mid-speech and never looked back. Y'see, that's what is so ridiculously addictive about this job because you just don't know what the next day will bring. I remember a couple of months ago complaining on Twitter that I wasn't getting any auditions and there was nothing out there to even apply for. I was feeling utterly dejected and experiencing that familiar feeling of wondering what the hell I'm doing with my life. However, minutes later my agent was calling me with an audition for a pretty big feature film. That magic unpredictability is what's so wonderfully special about this stupid so-called career that we have carved out for ourselves.

Six years ago I firmly believed that I would be an actress forever. If someone had told me that three years in I'd find myself taking on an office job which some helpful so and so would try and comfort me with by saying 'But you can pretend you're an office worker so it will still be like acting' then I'd have attacked you with my 12 zillion headshots. That was a low point that I'd never imagined but I had no idea that during that pathetic low I'd also meet the love of my life and that my last day in that office (leaving because I'd got myself two acting jobs) would be one of the happiest days I've ever experienced. 

If I had the chance to have a quick word with myself back in 2006, I'd tell myself that it all works out in the end and that acting jobs do happen. I'd say that even the excruciating jobs are alright and not to worry when I find myself spending a good few months solely playing animals and children. But most importantly of all I'd remind myself to write everything down because it would make my future plans of blogging a whole lot easier...

Food Glorious Food

Casting: "We need a brave man willing to enter in a restaurant, sitting on a table and eating quite a big meatball."

 Food is one of my favourite subjects. If I could somehow find a way of combining both food and acting into one job then I would be so ridiculously happy that you'd probably hate me. If someone could find me a job where I could be paid to eat all day and then I waddle off to do a little bit of acting in the evening then that'd be swell. Thanks.

But sometimes food and acting do come together in dischordant harmony. Of course, there's on-set catering which I have moaned and marvelled at several times on this blog already. Those terrible jobs where a feeble looking cheese sandwich and two grapes are supposed to sustain you through 15 hours of filming. The ones where you hope their sound equipment isn't too sophisticated so they can't pick up your miserable, rumbling stomach. And then there's the other end of the scale where the food is so damn fine and plentiful that you spend much of the afternoon desperately fighting off the need to curl up in a contented food nap.

However, there are also the acting jobs where food is gloriously intertwined with your acting: EATING SCENES! Now, these should be my favourite thing in the whole world. I should relish (get it? RELISH? Oh, forget it...) the opportunity to act and eat at the same time. That's where perfection lies and I should be ready to dive in mouth first. But, if you've ever had to eat on set or on stage then you'll know that the experience is far from ideal. I was in one short film where there were two separate eating scenes, one set at breakfast and another at dinner. For the breakfast scene, the director had decided that we'd be eating scrambled eggs. However, on the day of filming, they'd discovered that they only had two eggs to feed the both of us meaning that my character had to dish up a forkful of egg each. And that's all we had to keep us going for the dozen or so takes that we ended up having to do. They weren't the speediest bunch at setting up shots either so each take meant we had to nibble away at the tiniest fleck of freezing cold scrambled egg. What was supposed to be a scene about a couple falling out turned into a scene with two of the most miserable looking actors who appear to have forgotten how to eat.

Another film and another breakfast scene. Oh, and another unorganised crew. However, this one had completely forgotten that my character would be eating breakfast. For some reason the director had decided it would be nice if everyone in the family was eating a different type of breakfast. So, my dad got to happily munch away on toast, my younger brother got to eat as much cereal as he liked and my younger sister got a lovely looking fruit salad. And then there was me and no other food to be found. So, instead of giving up on this bizarre idea that no one would even pick up on anyway, they decided that I could eat the one remaining item that was left over from lunch... a tuna sandwich that had been had been sat in the sun for three hours in possibly the hottest flat known to mankind. Now, I don't mind tuna but I'm really not a fan of it when it's at its most poisonous in a hideously cheap sandwich. I expressed my concerns but they said they really needed me to be eating in the scene so maybe I could just eat around the edges. It was one of the last shots of the day working with one of the most awkward casts I'd ever known so, to just get it over with, I decided to just get on with it and deal with the sickly consequences later. What I ended up with was yet another scene to add to add to my rather niche 'Unable To Eat Convincingly On Camera' showreel. As jobs go, they are few and far between.

Incredibly, writing this blog has actually made me rather hungry. Maybe I should set up a Skype lunch session so that I can finally prove to the world that I am actually capable of eating techniques other than nibbling and grimacing...unless cold scrambled egg and tuna sandwiches are the order of the day...

The End Of The West End

I realise the subject of this blog is ridiculously inevitable. If you have seen any of my tweets today then you will realise what has been winding me up. You'll know that a certain news story has got my goat, sheep and cow and has caused me to endlessly rant about it via social networking. Or, if for some reason you haven't noticed or you don't happen to follow me on Twitter (fools) then I'm sorry to break the bad news to you that you have missed a day of me whining about Chris Moyles being cast in the stadium tour of Jesus Christ Superstar. If you were unaware of this news, I'm sorry. Sit yourself down, give yourself a few minutes to recover, BACS me £1000 and then read on...

Checking the news first thing in the morning is never a good idea. Rarely do we wake up to the news that the government are giving away free money/ice cream/kittens so it's generally a bad way to start your day. However, it's normally news about famine or war but today's news was far worse. Today's news made me question humanity AND my career. The news that probably one of the most idiotic and annoying people to clumsily grace our planet has been cast in an acting and musical theatre role is tragic. It makes our industry into even more of a mockery than when I spent a whole summer playing the part of a camp man. It's that bad, people.

The casting of celebrities into plays is sadly not a new thing anymore. As soon as someone realised that you could put someone off the telly on to a stage and people would pay ridiculous amonts of money to see it, the West End has been ruined. Take yourself down the West End, push a few tourists out of the way and have a look. Every bloody poster is plasterded with the inane grinning face of someone from that little electrical box that we desperately stare at every evening in the hope that it might one day produce something good. And it's because of this that it's almost impossible to get a job in theatre now. These so-called stars have now taken the jobs of the top actors meaning that they now get the supporting roles. The supporting actors have now been pushed into the supernumerary parts and now the rest of us have been pushed into waitressing.

But what's even more upsetting is that Chris Moyles isn't even an actor. He's not a singer. He's not a performer. He's a buffoon that has somehow elbowed his way into an already oversubscribed industry. And like with everything else in the world of acting, the behaviour we have to put up with wouldn't be tolerated in any other industry. Would they give Holly Willoughby the role of a GP just so it would encourage more men to go to the doctors? No, of course they wouldn't. I mean, I'm sure that's mainly because who would give up a job of spending every morning with Philip Schofield but you understand what point I'm getting at. But at least the other stars of the West End are performers. They've kind of earned their dues and although they have annoyingly fast-tracked their way into a job that we have all worked very hard to not get, at least they pretty much know what they're doing. But what does has Chris Moyles done to get the job that I know a trillion actors would love the chance to play? Bombard radio waves with his incessant chatterings? Make terrible game shows that should never have seen the light of day? Appear on a celebrity version of Supermarket Sweep (thanks Wikipedia.) What started out as an interesting sounding show that would be starring the incredible and exceptionally talented Tim Minchin has now become the worst sounding project since Rock of Ages...

This now also means that a strand of the acting industry that was already pretty tough to get into has become even harder. Once you just had to be the son or daughter or best friend of the director. But now you have to somehow get famous first by making a complete fool of yourself on television in any show of your choice and then wait for the West End castings to come flooding in. As a career plan, it wasn't one I particularly had in mind. I had one in mind that contains a fairy knocking at my door before the month is out and handing me the role of a lifetime (and a million pounds) on a silver platter. Thanks Andrew Lloyd Webber. Thanks very much.

I saw someone post on Twitter today that at least this casting would help bring more people to the show and that it would mean ticket sales would be high. This means that instead of quality casting, directors have instead decided to create freakshows to ensure that not every musical ends the way of Streets of Dreams which has had to be postponed until the end of the year while they desperately work out how to make it any good. So, this week not only have we had to deal with the news that acting jobs are going to the director's friends and family but they are now also going to hateful celebrities. That's the way it's going folks. Soon Downton Abbey will contain a cast made up of Made in Chelsea stars, Jeremy Clarkson and the editor's sleazy second uncle. When the ancient Greeks invented acting, I'm pretty sure they never imagined this...

No Pay, No Way

Casting call: "“Unfortunately we’re not able to offer a fee on this occasion.”

Unfortunately this is casting call that we're all to used to seeing. A good 75% of casting calls probably contain this line or a variation on it (such as the incredibly inventive 'This is a no-pay experience!') However, what we're not used to seeing is this kind of casting call from an established company. And they're not just any old established company, they're the company behind shows such as Have I Got News For You, Outnumbered and Episodes and whether you're a fan of these shows or not, you have to admit that it's pretty shocking behaviour. As companies go, they're probably one of the biggest so why the heck are they advertising unpaid acting roles?


Now, I saw this casting call a few weeks ago and was utterly outraged and it has now been reported on in the stage here after Equity got involved and rightly questioned what on earth they were playing at. (Whether you want to praise me for being way ahead of the news is entirely up to you but I am currently accepting cash rewards and/or a Nobel Peace Prize for my work.) But I think we're all in agreement that this isn't on. There is no freaking way a company such as this should be allowed to get away with hiring actors for nothing. That, my friends, is the job of university students and unscrupulous directors. If actors can't be paid for a role on a show which will almost undoubtedly be a primetime show and will probably be slated on Twitter then when can they?

But it's the backtracking that this company has done which is even more worrying. It's the kind of awkward backtracking you do when you've been caught talking about someone behind their back. 'Oh no, not you. I meant the other Hugo Smith.' When questioned on why they're trying to get actors to work for free, they have now claimed they will not be using professional performers and will instead be using members of the public and friends and family of the production team. Is this what's going to happen now? Have we now got to the point where companies are so reluctant to pay professionals, they'd rather rope in their mates to work for free? Other people's mates are rarely funny. Other people's mates are the type of people you get cornered by at a party and then have to listen to them talk about their tedious jobs and boring lives. Other people's mates think drinking twenty bottles of WKD and then running around Derby city centre with a traffic cone on their head is the definition of 'quality.' Other people's mates should not be allowed anywhere near a television unless they happen to know a clever way of filtering out annoying adverts... Has our profession become so lowly-regarded that we can easily be replaced by the director's second cousin? And it's worrying that one of the biggest TV production companies has started this trend. Surely it's only a matter of time before smaller companies follow suit and our TVs will become awash with casts made up of the make-up artist's university mates and the man in Muswell Hill who wanders the streets asking everyone for 20p. Irritating and baffling people do not maketh the good television programmes. Actors are being pushed out of TV at an alarming rate with shows such as TOWIE and Made In Chelsea gaining far more viewers than well-made dramas and comedies so what hope have we got now?

And what's even more worrying is that yet again, actors are going to be forced into unpaid work just to hold on to to a career that's more slippery than a greasy seal. Companies are again holding us to ransom where we can either accept their terms and work for free or spend a lifetime waiting for one precious job to come our way. It's unfair, it's unethical and it's ridiculously frustrating. Plus it's extremely worrying that high profile companies are choosing cheap labour over high-quality programming. If production companies are more worried about making low-rent television than supporting the industry then what's the point?

I would love the opportunity to gain the exposure that a primetime TV show would bring but not at my own expense and certainly not just so a very wealthy production company can save a few pennies. I refuse to forego a well-deserved wage just so an exec can continue to fund their lavish lifestyle. Why should they get to go on fancy holidays while I sit at home wondering how to make a tin of chopped tomatoes and a bag of Scampi & Lemon Nik Naks last me until the end of the week. It's exploitation at it's lowest, meanest level and until we all make a stand against these companies, all we're doing is encouraging them to turn our already fragile industry into a laughing stock.

The Kingdom of Hell

After last night, I've had to resign myself to the fact that theatre audiences will never cease to amaze me. The behaviour of audiences has been in the news lately and I find it incredible that people seem completely unaware how to behave when they enter a room with a stage.

I went to see Three Kingdoms  at the Lyric Hammersmith last night. It was a play where I really didn't know what to expect but I certainly didn't think the first surprises would occur before the lights had even gone down. Just as my friend and I sat in our seats, we saw a small discussion taking place down by the stage. A confused looking man was having something explained to him by an annoyed looking usher and, as he stepped aside, it was revealed to the rest of the audience that he had used the stage as his own personal coat rack. I realise cloakroom prices can be eyewatering at times but the stage?! Really? He reluctantly bundled them under his seat and we all waited for the drama to unfold on the stage.

The play began and we were hooked almost immediately. However, it's hard to be completely hooked when you have a panel of whisperers sat directly behind you. A few scowls from me did nothing and a very loud shush from the gentleman in front of me was also ignored. Finally my friend turned around to shush them again and they finally listened. However, they didn't just immediately shut up. Oh no. Instead one of the ladies whispered 'But I'm translating it for them.' Oh. That's ok then. Carry on. Because we all came to the theatre to listen to you translating a play into another language. I honestly can't imagine why she thought that this was acceptable behaviour. However much I wanted to see a play, if it involved everyone else's experience being involved by a theatre whisperer then I'd most definitely stay away.

But anyway, on with the show. Three Kingdoms is quite a show. It somehow manages to be both beautiful and utterly disgusting at the same time. It's absurd and real and magical and horrific. The first half of the play had me thoroughly hooked. Be warned, it's a long play but not for one second during the first half did I wonder what the time was or if anything exciting was happening on Twitter. When the lights did finally come down, we filed into the foyer, chattering excitedly about what we'd just seen. Despite my dislike of just how many songs one character sings, we were both in agreement that we were watching something pretty special. We just about managed to get our drinks in the shortest interval known to man and we hurried back in, excited about what was going to happen next.

And then it all happened. My friend and I had already discussed that we thought the second half would go more absurd first before it came to conclusion but neither of us could've predicted just how absurd. I was all ready to reattach myself to the hook that had caught me in the first half but instead I was just left floating around wondering what was going on. One of the lead characters appears to disappear completely and there's a party scene that very much makes you feel like the only sober guest at a drunkenly debauched gathering. Then, just as I thought we were going to get a suitable conclusion to the story, you're left with a baffling ending that doesn't end things at all. Although still excited at having seen something completley new and beautiful. I have to admit that I did come away feeling a little disappointed.

However, I do have to give credit to the 13 actors involved in the show. The play is performed in English, German and Estonian and it's down to the actors that I spent more time watching them than keeping an eye on the surtitles. There wasn't one weak link in the play and their performances and physicality were utterly breathtaking. Steven Scharf who plays the mysterious Dresner was particularly astounding and reminded me just what a joy acting is.

And, given my recent blogging subjects, I do have to briefly mention the fact that out of a cast of 13, only 2 were female. I realise the subject of sex trafficking means that the majority of strong characters will be male but it's very upsetting to see scenes where four actors get to play the most incredibly complex characters while there is a pretty girl slinking around in the background cleaning the floor and handing out slices of cucumber. The two actresses get their moments but they are extremely brief and are very much overshadowed by the strength of the male characters which is a shame.

If you're in doubt over whether to go, my advice would be to go. It's a wonderful lesson in just what theatre can do and it's a play that is definitely still on your mind the day after. It'll make you think, it'll make you gag and it'll make you laugh. Just make sure you go on a day when the socially inept are choosing to stay indoors.

Casting The Net

Casting call: The type of girls we're looking for are sexy, attractive with a good figure, styled with a touch of class. Of course you need to be highly talkative, motivated and keen to get into character with lots of flirting and banter.

Considering what I often tweet about, I’ve actually kept pretty quiet on the subject of casting websites. Most days, someone will ask where the frankly ridiculous castings I post up on Twitter are from and I’m always sorry to tell them that they come from the websites that all us actors use. I wish they came from obscure locations but no, they come from websites that many of us pay to use. Yep, non-actors, we pay for the privilege of these often ludicrous, sexist, racist, poorly written adverts.

I subscribe to two different casting websites. One of which is pretty much obligatory and another I choose to pay for. The second I keep going because I work on the basis that I would only need one paid job from it a year for it to pay for itself and I’m fine with that. Plus, it keeps my Twitter feed alive and provides me with at least one ego-boosting retweet a day. I pay just under £400 a year for these castings. £400 to receive daily insults in my inbox. £400 to make me constantly question why I do this infuriating job. But also £400 to laugh at the sheer absurdity of other people and keep myself thoroughly entertained.

There have been castings, like yesterday’s that asked for the actor to just have experience whereas the actress had to be beautiful, that have driven me insane. And then there are the castings that ask dancing hamsters that have made me laugh. There have been baffling castings, creepy castings and ones that are probably illegal. But none have made me as angry as the one I saw for an adult tv phone-in channel. That one truly got my blood boiling. Because I don't know how it got past them. I always presumed that there was a screening process in place for castings that were put up on websites, or at least I hoped so. I realise that this industry is widely unregulated but you would hope that in the few places where checks can take place that they actually do. But apparently not. And I hope that's the case otherwise it means that these websites just don't care...oh...

I realise that TV phone in channels need to hire people. Despite being one of the blunter knives in the cutlery draw, I’d still worked out that they didn’t just pluck these girls off the street. However, I didn’t realise they’d go to well-established casting websites and that these sites, that require their members to pay if they want to see the paid jobs, would actually accept them. Well done to the TV channel for aiming so high as to look for attractive actors but shame on you casting website for demeaning our profession. Shame on you for allowing this job to be classed as an acting role. Shame on you for thinking that this is what we spent three years at drama school for. Shame on you for possibly encouraging younger actresses who are desperate for money and work into these types of jobs. 

Honestly, if I painted the whole of north London red and covered it in deadly sharp spikes, I still don’t think you’d realise just how angry this advert has made me. It makes a mockery of our already rather ridiculous profession and it means that those people who laugh or sneer at you when you tell them you’re an actor now have a right to do so. Now I know I make fun of this job but I do hold it in high regard. I’m proud of the job I do and if I can spend the rest of my life earning a decent living from it and having a damn good time then I will be exceedingly happy. I consider myself very lucky to be able to do a job that I love but that joy will only continue if companies such as this particular one, one that supposedly supports the industry and was set up as both a resource for work and a place for actors to receive guidance, actually help keep it that way.

Either that or we all just sell out, hit the gym, invest in some skimpy underwear and finally earn ourselves a soulless, depressing and unfulfilling living...