Today I failed on the most basic of levels. In the world of acting I was given a one-way, VIP ticket to the top of the failure pile. I was ushered past all your hard-working, diligent actors who are all wandering around somewhere near the pile. Security whisked me past you all and carried me right to the top where I could relax and think about my record-breaking failure attempt.
But how did I get to this point I hear you all ask? (don't worry, I've got a microphone set up in your room, I don't have supersonic hearing.) Well, let's start at the beginning of this poorly written tale. Our story begins yesterday when Miss L was informed that the lovely agency didn't want to take them on. Apparently, it wasn't me, it was them and they just wanted to see other people. I'll admit now that I was upset, especially as I didn't have any auditions lined up. It all suddenly looked a bit bleak and I only have my sparse CV to keep me warm. In a desperate attempt to try and cheer myself up, I decided to trawl through the day's casting calls to see what was on offer. It's safe to say that they weren't good. Out there at the moment is an advert that ask for women who can jog graciously (nope, not gracefully but graciously. And no, I have no idea how you might tackle this either. I can only presume that you have to look delighed that someone has allowed you the dubious pleasure of being out jogging.) Another is casting the role of a middle-aged woman. No harm in that, you might think. However, they are asking for actresses aged between 25 and 40. Since when did any of those ages count as middle-aged? I'm very nearly 28 and still only just getting over no longer being in the 16-25 age bracket so to suddenly find that I'm now half way through my life is quite the blow.
Doom and gloom decided it was time to move in. They were just rearranging the furniture when my phone rang. It was a mobile number that flashed up beautifully on the screen. Scurrying to the only point in the flat where I seem to be able to get reception, I answered eagerly. I caught the words 'casting' 'free' and 'tomorrow.' I fired out the word 'yes' wherever I thought appropriate. And suddenly, after a few requests for repitition due to poor reception, I was attending a casting the next day. There were a few instructions as to what I needed to wear and that was it. T (he be the boyfriend) asked what it was for. I honestly had no idea. I think it was said somewhere near the beginning but I'd asked the poor woman so many times to repeat various details that I felt I couldn't possibly ask any more of her. Anyway, I was sure that a quick look through my submissions over the last week would shed some light. Frantically I trawled through everything I'd applied for this month and nothing seemed to fit. I hadn't even caught the woman's name. The only bit of concrete evidence I had that this audition actually existed was the woman's mobile number. A search of this brought up a Facebook group asking for numbers and this woman appeared to be a singer based in the south-west in 2008. Accepting defeat, I realised I'd just have to wait and see. An acting lucky dip, if you like.
So this morning I headed off. I got down there early and practically ran to the casting, eager to find out what on earth it was for. I practically snatched the forms from the receptionist and even when I saw the company (a well-known food brand if you must know) I was still none the wiser. I honestly had no recollection of applying for this. It seemed the acting gods had finally started listening to my pleas and were now doing my work for me. So I filled out the forms, giving details of every second of my little life over the past few years. I was then called in with three other actors and we were asked to perform the dreaded 'improvised scene.' I've seen what the advert will be and this scene will probably make up 2 seconds of a 30 second long advert. The camera will skim over this handful of characters, barely allowing the viewer to register their existence. However, we were asked to enter a 3 minute long improvisation where we played around with a disappointing array of props. We hadn't been asked to do this in silence but two of the actors seemed to think that this was best while another actress and myself gabbled away, desperately trying to make the most of this awful mime that we'd found ourselves trapped in. Minute after agonising minute passed as we all repeated the same movements over and over again until we were finally released back out in the lovely world where they gloriously allow you to interact normally.
This afternoon I found that unfortunately the acting gods haven't quite taken me on yet and I actually applied for the role just over a month ago. I still have no memory of this. I quite like this pot luck approact to auditions. Here's to hoping that I've been unconciously applying for other roles and the castings start flooding in...
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