The Hand Biting Princess

After seeing this casting call: I want an actress who doesn't need paying,   Miss L responds...

Dear Director/Filmmaker/Bloody Chancer

I was incredibly excited to read about your upcoming film and just had to contact you to offer my services because I believe I am the hand biting princess you're looking for. You sound like such an understanding and generous director that I’d never forgive myself for missing the possibility to work with you.

Let me introduce myself; my name is Miss L and I’m the actress you need for this thrilling project. I LOVE a film with a dream sequence, I'm well good at pretending to talk in slow motion and I've heard of emotions before. I also studied drama at school and I'm a Sagittarius so archers are totally my thing.

You say that virtually everything has been sourced without cost well it's time to add ‘actress’ to that list because I cost nothing. I travel everywhere by the power of flight and I live off thin-air so have next to no expenses. I live in an imaginary house that’s heated by kind-spirited fairies and I wash in petals provided by voluntary pixies. I wear clothes that have been made by sparrows and I drink rain water straight from the sky.

I notice you said that there may be some money from your Kickstarter project but please don’t waste your parent’s money on me. You’ve said you only want to pay those who deserve it and there’s no way that I would deserve it. The time I’d be taking out to be in your film, the hours I’d spend working on your script, the other jobs I might turn down just to work with you, none of these would allow me to qualify for your hard-earned cash. The years I’ve spent working on my craft and the fact that this is my career really mean that I’m the least deserving actress you could possibly meet. It would make me much happier knowing that the money went straight to you, the most truly deserving of us all.

You’re right to seek actresses with the qualification of wanting to work on something whether they get paid or not. I spent three years at drama school and I was so pleased when I got a first in being able to work for free. I wish I could describe to you the pride my parents felt when I graduated with the possibility to just live off the passion of wanting to act. And that’s why I was also so pleased to see that you’re holding auditions so therefore don’t need someone with any experience. Thank god I’ve forgotten everything I’ve learnt from the past 7 years of working as an actress! You have no idea how much it pleases me to realise that all those lessons I learnt are utterly useless. 

I see you’ve yet to provide a schedule apart from 23 March and are very keen to not bother with timewasters. So that I can match your precious criteria, I have cancelled everything that I had planned for the next three months. You also say that you won’t consider anyone who can't make the casting so, as you haven’t provided an audition date, I will organise nothing until I hear from you. I trust this is acceptable and means that I’m the ‘right girl’ for you.

I’m so glad you said that your film will be like Game of Thrones but in Devon without the budget. For me, these are the things that ruin Game of Thrones. The fact that a production company has actually put some money into something, paid all the actors fairly and produced a high quality programme really ruins it for me. Knowing all those actors are being paid for their job and having to watch a series that has had time and money put into it makes me physically sick. And there’s not an episode of Game of Thrones that I watch where I don’t wish they’d feature Plymouth National Marine Aquarium or Crealy Great Adventure Park. Clearly you are a man of taste.

Now, I must admit that I am unable to ride a horse but the fact you can teach me is all I need to know. 

Of course, it’s 2^nd March today and you’re hoping to start shooting on 23^rd March. I imagine once you’ve got me in for a casting and given me the role, that should give us 2 weeks for you to teach me to ride a horse. I imagine that with all this time plus the fact I watched some of the dressage events during the Olympics last year mean that I’ll pick it up in no time. Not only will I be able to ride a horse but I’ll be able to ride a horse to such a level that I can also act while doing it and not injure either myself or anyone else.

I was going to tell you a bit more about myself but, quite frankly, as a great person once said, I literally can’t sell this enough so I’m not even going to try. Opportunities like this DO NOT come along often. If you’re not biting my hand off for the chance, you really shouldn’t be trying to make a film.

Oh, and I’m so pleased to hear about all the awards this film is already set to win despite the fact it hasn’t even been made yet. Due to your superior psychic abilities, I probably don't need to tell you this but I too have already won a string of BAFTAs and Oscars for films I’ve yet to appear in so I think we’ll work extremely well together. 

I realise that you don’t currently have much time, so much so that you felt the need to mention it in your casting call which must mean you’re extremely busy indeed. I therefore hope that this application of mine hasn’t taken up what precious little free time you have. 

Oh, and you also mentioned in your casting call that you're talking horses. THAT IS AMAZING.

Yours bitingly,

Miss L