Thursday, 26 February 2015

The Future of The Actress

It’s 2033. For the past 18 years, the film industry has hired a secret taskforce to simplify the art of filmmaking forever. Since 2015, a crack team of middle-aged men have been working tirelessly to eradicate the most hated part of a filmmaker’s life…the creation and casting of female characters.

Today, we unveil the new age of The Actress. Each injected with YouMustNeverLookADayOver21 Serum, no Actress will ever age over 18 years and 1 day again. With perfectly formed breasts that she has no qualms about exposing, and a body free of imperfections, no filmmaker need worry again about a speck of cellulite or less than ample boobs ruining their movie again.

She is here to give your film that believable sex scene that you've always wished for.

She is your guardian angel in a push-up bra.

She will use her nipples to silently detract from your poorly written script.

To save confusion, each Actress now looks exactly the same so you can order your film’s eye candy safe in the knowledge that you will get exactly the woman you haven’t paid for.

Oh yes, you don’t even have to pay. Every single Actress has been programmed to have no knowledge of finances so she’ll be completely oblivious to the fact that your ageing male lead actor is earning millions. Due to advanced LivingOfAirTechnology, all Actresses need to live are the vague promise of an IMDb credit, a limp sandwich and the reassurance that their naked body will be seen in every single shot of your film.

And don’t worry, Actresses have also had all their career expectations removed so you can now write as many dead, naked female bodies into your films without feeling an ounce of guilt. There’s not even any need to waste precious minutes on giving your female characters a personality trait. Instead, all Actresses now come with fully programmable personalities:

The Wife 

Will constantly follow your male lead around any house-setting, fully naked, while speaking up to five programmable nagging phrases. Great for dramas, comedies or whenever you need to make your male lead more sympathetic.

The Girlfriend

A 2 for 1 deal. Order one and get another identical actress to play her equally naked best friend. Perfect for any comedy film.

The Stripper 

A must for any scenes where your lead male character needs to meet other male characters outside of the home. Will appear fully naked in the background.

The Prostitute 

Great for night-time street scenes and to highlight any male character’s inner-turmoil.

The Dead Body

Perfect for any scene. Each actress is capable of not breathing for up to 2 hours at a time. Also perfect for quickly establishing that your well-written older male character is either a murderer or an investigator.

And guess what? They don’t even have a name. If you order The Stripper, then that’s what you call her. No more faffing around trying to think up interesting names for your female characters. ‘Emma’  has ideas above her station and thinks she has an integral role within your film whereas ‘The Stripper’ knows she’s just there to make Stephen, your leading male character, look like the interesting flawed character you’ve written him to be.

All this means that you can now instead start negotiating more airtime, clothes and money for your male actors. Because, hey, we all know that a film is nothing without over-exposed, over paid and over clothed men.

Oh, and these actresses don’t eat. Of course.

So, that’s….

Wardrobe budget: slashed.
Time spent writing female characters: slashed.
Time spent persuading actresses to get their kit off: slashed.
Catering budget: slashed.
Time spent making your male actors feel better: up by 2000%
Budget to spend on securing male actors: up by 3000%
Time to spend on writing male roles with personality and depth: up by 6000%
The chance of your film being taken seriously: up by 10000%

So don’t delay. Order your actress today. And watch those award nominations come flooding in…