Lessons

Today the world decided it was time to teach me a lesson. It was a harsh lesson to learn as I slowly woke up on a Sunday morning. As I debated whether I could really be bothered to make the two minute journey to the shop to buy eggs or if I should see if I could cobble together a breakfast out of Wispa bars and ground cumin, the world gave me a big ol' clip round the ear.

Y'see, I wasn't being offered a job yesterday. I was merely, in a roundabout way, being asked if I wanted to audition for the part. However, just because I've been asked to do one job without applying for it, my brain now instantly jumps to conclusions and presumes the whole world is desperate for a piece of Miss L. To be fair though, I think this sentence is pretty ambiguous...

I am looking for actresses and I was wondering whether you would be interested in working with me.


The rest of the email then goes into the filming dates and payment (or lack of) and says nothing about when auditions are or whether I'd be available for them. As I wondered which room to extend to house my hugely inflated ego, I assumed that this meant that they had looked at every other actress out there and decided that they couldn't possibly imagine anyone else playing the part. But of course, the world doesn't work like that. Instead, it lets you think for just a few seconds that maybe you've hauled yourself up to the next rung on the ladder. It lets you wobble about until you just get used to your new, slightly elevated position and then it sends a snake along to drag you all the way back down again.

I've always had a fear, especially with better jobs, that I've got the wrong end of an incredibly long and complicated stick. It probably doesn't say much about my self-esteem but I do often think that I'll turn up on set and no one will know why I'm there. There will then be a frantic look through lots of paperwork until someone has to awkwardly remind me that I was turned down for the job and that I need to go home and learn the important difference acceptance and rejection. Despite the fact that this is still yet to happen to me, it remains a constant and ludicrous worry and yesterday's misunderstanding can only mean that I'm one step closer to one of my greatest fears coming true. Thankfully the little dent to my pride has appeared just in time otherwise it wouldn't be long until I found myself face to face with Trevor Nunn, being told that I've got it wrong yet again.

 Tomorrow it's back to actually applying for jobs just like everyone else. Or maybe I'll turn this new found talent for presuming roles are instantly mine until someone falls for it...