Thursday, 16 February 2012

Where For Art Thou Advert?

You or may not remember that a little while back, I was having immense fun chasing up payment for an advert I shot last year. After more hounding than Rufus Hound’s bloodhound in Hound of the Baskervilles, I finally got my money and the whole world rejoiced as I could eat for a few more weeks.  And I thought that would mean that the saga was well and truly over. But oh no. Because although the money is safe and sound in my account (with a gorgeous dent out of it due to having to pay to live under a slightly damp roof) I’m now waiting to get hold of the damn advert itself.

You’d think an advert would be easy to find. Surely the whole point of an advert is that it’s out there to be seen so that as many people as possible get suckered in and squander their hard-earned monies on something entirely useless. But not when I’m involved. It is nowhere. I thought, because I’d been a bit persistent about getting my pay, that I’d leave it a few weeks before I chased up the footage. So I did. And now, three days later, I’m still waiting for a reply. So, desperate not to be seen as an actress that’s more irritating than a mohair jumper, I thought I’d do a bit of detective work myself.
First stop was that place where we all go when we want to find a video. You Glorious Tube. A treasure trove for procrastinators everywhere, YouTube is always to be trusted. If it ain’t on there then it ain’t worth seeing. Well, if we go by that rule then this advert most definitely isn’t worth being seen. I have searched for everything.  Every possible variant for every possible word has been used in every possible order. I have tried being obvious and I have tried being diverse. And because it’s only being shown in mainland Europe, I’ve even tried translating my searches into other languages. Still nothing. 

Starting to admit defeat, I thought I’d try searching by adding the name of one of the other actors in it. Ah ha! Someone has posted on this actor’s facebook page about it! There, in black and white is one solitary sentence compromising of seven words. That, my friends, is the sum of my labours. So, now I know that the advert exists because someone out there has seen it. But that means, out of the 1,407,724,920 that supposedly have access to the internet, only one of them has bothered to mention this advert online. They’re more than happy to unnecessarily tell us all what they ate for breakfast, their thoughts on EastEnders and share what they looked like on their holiday to Malaga but only one person in the whole of Europe has taken the time to oh so briefly mention this advert.

After all this searching, I’m still no closer to seeing myself. I realise that I’m probably only on screen for a maximum of five seconds and I imagine I’m almost unrecognisable but that’s beside the point. I want to see it. I want my friends and family to see it. I want those losers at school to see it. Dammit, I want proof that more than one person has seen it. And, more importantly, I can’t cope with the fact that I’ve now shot three adverts in my life and I’ve yet to see any of them. I refuse to be the invisible actress and therefore I will stop at nothing to see this damn thing. Taxi to Norway please!

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