Friday, 1 March 2013

Miss L: Nailing The Audition

There will be people out there who will tell you that it’s hard to land an audition. With so many actors out there and so few jobs, ‘nailing the audition’ has become a phrase that’s bandied about more than acting advice from those who aren’t actors. So how do you land that all important audition? Miss L tells you how…

1. The most important lesson in how to snatch that role from actors who may be more suited to the part than you are is to prepare. But don’t read the script for what you’re actually applying for because that’s what they want you to do. They want you to waste days reading their flimsy bit of writing in the hope that you’ll become a fan and then buy tickets for the show when they don’t cast you. Don’t give in to their scandalous ways. Instead, read anything other than their script. Read Shakespare. Read Hare. Heck, read the local newspaper if you must. Just make sure you don’t read whatever waste of stage or screen time that you’re auditioning for. This then means that you can talk at ear-ripping volumes in the waiting room about what you’ve just read and terrify your fellow actors into thinking they’ve been studying the wrong text. This will worry them so much that they’ll fluff their audition and the role will be yours. 

2. It’s also exceedingly important to make a good impression. As we know, good impressions are as important as free bars and they don’t matter more than in the audition room. If you can, fall over as you walk through the door. This instantly brings the panel down to your level and this feeling of pitiful empathy should then ensure that they give you the part. If they’re not the type to be swayed by such clumsy antics then don’t worry, you’ve still put yourself way ahead of the competition. The feeling of superiority your idiotic stumbling has given them will make them feel so wonderful that there’s no way they’ll deny you the role. 

3. The quote that ‘practice makes perfect’ may make you want to rip your own nails off but it certainly applies to the life of an actor. I can’t stress how important it is for actors to have a Shakespeare and a modern speech that they practice regularly. If you don’t practice your pieces loudly at least once a week then there’s no possible way your neighbours will know what you do for a living. You may think that wandering around the garden in your pyjamas is a huge giveaway but until they’ve heard you barking your best Lady M through the living room wall, they’ll probably just think you’re a student. If your neighbours don’t realise you’re an actor then who will? Once they’ve got the hint, you can then move on to muttering your way through your speech on the tube. It’s only a matter of time before you find yourself wedged under Trevor Nunn’s armpit on the Jubilee Line… 

4. If you find you’re not actually that good at acting but still fancy trying to make a career out of it then the only thing for it is to make friends with those who think they’re in power. Find out where they live and hang out in their local every night in the hope that you can buy them the cheapest drink on the menu. Too shy to approach them? Don’t worry, just be the mysterious loner choking on pork scratchings in the corner. Whatever your approach, you can guarantee you’ll be firm friends soon enough and it won’t be long before they’re casting you in everything. If it worked for Tim Burton and Johnny Depp then it can work for you. And don’t worry if you’re too lazy for such endeavours.  Instead, why not try stalking the director on Facebook instead? Learn the names of their friends, find out where they went to school and work out from their photos whether they’re a dog or cat person. Armed with this information, you have two options: you can either try to convince the director that you already know each other or you can terrify them with your superior knowledge of their life. Either way, that role is yours. 

5. And finally, if you’re tired of others deciding you’re not good enough to hire, why not put on your own show instead? If your parents are rich enough then you can just hire out the National Theatre for a few months. Not only will it allow people to come and see you perform, it will also show the world how much money you have. This makes you an excellent casting prospect for the future as although you might not be very good at the whole acting thing, you can fund the damn thing and you definitely won’t want paying.


  1. Sadly, some people will think this is just a bit of fun, when we both know it's DEADLY serious.....

  2. Making a good impression also includes being able to do Michael Caine, Marlon Brando and Christopher Walken at the drop of a hat. It worked for Kevin Spacey and hopefully they'll forget to ask you to read.