A Real Acting CV

HERE IS MY NAME. IT'S BIG. I SPENT AN ALARMING AMOUNT OF TIME DECIDING WHICH FONT TO USE.

Here is a photo of me

from 2 years ago after spending a 

week barely eating. I also spent over 3 hours

making myself look like this. 

Beautiful, aren't I? I'll never

look like this ever again. 

These are my contact details because I naively think that

you might bother to get in touch with me.

Boring stats:

Height: Do you really care?

Eyes: Green with envy at all the other actors you've hired in the past.

Hair colour: Look at my photo you lazy fool.

Playing age: This depends on what I'm applying for but let's presume 1-100.

Weight: At least 2 stone less than what it really is.

Training: No, I didn't go to RADA. Hey, don't go!

Parts Played:

This first role is the biggest one I've ever played. Despite the fact it was over 5 years ago, I'm still putting it first so that you definitely notice it.

Second is the best thing I was in but I didn't have a named part. I've made up a name so I look more important. 

Here are some things I did when I first left drama school or, as they're otherwise known, 'CV Filler Roles.'

The next few roles are one that I've made up or wish that I'd been in.

These jobs at the bottom are ones I'm pretending I didn't do in drama school.

Special Skills:

I could tell you about all the accents that I'm a master at in my head and how good a singer I am although my voice is regularly likened to a cat on speed. However, if I'm being honest, these are the only things that I'm really skilled at:

• Being able to avoid drama school classmates while in Soho.

• Thinking up wonderful excuses for not bothering to print off my CV for an audition.

• Reusing monologues time and time again because I can't be bothered to learn new ones .

• Hiding the fact I've a full driving license until I'm sure you won't be using me as an unpaid chauffeur for your profit-share schools' tour of 'The Drugs Don't Work.' 

• Listing a language on my CV that I'm 'currently learning.' The fact that the last time I studied it was back in 1999 while doing my GCSEs is utterly irrelevant.  

 Upcoming Work:

I've left this free because casting calls always state that actors need to be available for work. By leaving this blank I should be the most employable actor out there. Please hire me. Thanks.