Saturday, 6 April 2013

A Real Actor's Tax Return


Sandwiches: all unidentifiable except 1 tuna sandwich that had been left out in the sun for 3 hours. Food poisoning. 

DVD copies: 1 that doesn't play, 1 that's supposedly been in the post for the past 4 months, 1 so awful that even my mum can't sit through it.

IMDb credits: spelt incorrectly.

Experience: therapy still being received for resulting rage, nightmares and irreparable damage done to my CV.

Money: huh?


Travel: most costs are for my desperate attempts to build a time machine so I can go back to the moment that I decided to become an actor.

Clothes: none. As all female roles require full nudity, clothes are no longer needed.

Casting website fees: see a penny, pick it up, spend all day getting angry over it hasn't come anywhere close to covering the amount of money you've chucked at casting websites.

Headshots: if photos of you gurning with your eyes closed paid the bills then you'd be a bloody millionaire.

Showreel: because spending money on an eternal reminder of all the terrible student films you appeared in is the key to happiness.

Voicereel: ah yes, that was a great day. Spending a week's earnings on a new voicereel only for people to constantly remind you that "getting into voiceovers is the hardest thing in the world." They weren't wrong.

Tickets: stupid non-comp giving 'friends.'

Entertaining: yes, Mr Accountant, all those drinks I bought were while I was out networking. I sat in the corner with my large glass of red and complained on Twitter about actors. 

Compensation: for all the people I've injured after they've asked me when I'm going to be in EastEnders, why I don't just do acting as a hobby and whether I've been in something they might have seen.


  1. Maybe if you hate it that much, you could stop trying to be an actor?

    1. Yes, maybe I could. But then I'd have to find something else to complain about.

  2. Perhaps we should all give up the things we complain about and see if the economy can run on eating ice cream in bed alone.

  3. 'Trying to be an actor' is a good one are always an actor, whether you're employed as one or not is another matter.