Sunday, 12 May 2013

Acting Chops

Casting: 'Must have acting chops.'

Times have been hard lately. The cost of living has gone up dramatically to the point where people can barely afford to eat. Consumers have little money but they have even less trust when it comes to what they eat. The horse meat scandal has left buyers wary about the meat they buy and the industry has had to come up with a cheap alternative to ensure shoppers don't ditch meat entirely and all become reluctant vegetarians.

The meat producers of the UK sat around a table and wondered what to do. Where could they find a cheap source of meat that wouldn't cause a scandal? The world had already shown that there were only so many animals they'd put up with on their menus so what could the possibly do? Suggestions flew around the table but they knew the public wouldn't put up with eating cushions, reformed sand or reconstituted feathers. Running short of ideas, they take a break and put on the TV. And that's when they realised there was a resource they'd completely forgotten about: actors.

They hurried back into the meeting room, revealed a crisp new piece of paper on the flip chart and after only a couple of minutes they realised this idea could work. They firstly looked at the population of actors and soon saw that if they marketed this as a humane cull then the government would have to go with it. The country was awash with actors, most of them hadn't even been nominated for a Soap Award so surely they wouldn't be missed.  One of the representatives had a quick flick through a TV guide and saw that actors were barely being used anymore. Most of the channels were full of reality shows and adverts only want 'real' people now so what use were actors anyway?

They then looked at the best way to farm actors. It's well known that actors are able to live off very little, often not needing much more than a suspiciously wet egg sandwich and the promise of a Viscount biscuit later. This would keep their costs low and also ensure their meat was lean and healthy, just want consumers want. And, thanks to drama schools, there would be an endless supply of new meat entering the food chain.

But would buyers go for it? Although the general public aren't that fond of actors, even they would realise that this is cannibalism? That's when the marketing team got involved. They could put on the packs what the actor had starred in. A bit strapped for cash this week? Why not try the budget range where you can eat minced Johnny who appeared in a schools' tour of Little Red Riding Hood for 8 miserable months or maybe some diced Matilda who once worked on a short film where they forgot to take the cap off the lens. Had a pay rise? Then you'll be wanting the Premiere range where you feast on the finest cuts of Stella who starred in Doctors...twice!

The plan was put in motion and within weeks the world was feasting on the choicest cuts of prime actor. But of course, they soon ran into problems. As they dined on the best resters in the land, they noticed they couldn't go on holiday any more because there were no temps to cover them. Charities started making less money as there was no one making calls and harassing people in the streets. The perfume industry completely collapsed. But who cared? The tubes were quieter, the streets of Soho were empty and they no longer had to make polite conversation with out of work actors. They had entered a golden age that had the hue of roast thesp and it was glorious...

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