I'm sure we all watched the Oliviers on Sunday. We peered through the window and watched a world that we're supposedly part of but, if truth be told, we didn't entirely recognise it. Maybe we felt a little embarrassed by it or there was a small part of us that even wishes we were there too. However, it's likely that despite the constant calls for people to support the arts, it made us feel more kinship towards ET than it did the theatre. So, please welcome the Resters' Awards. An awards ceremony that's for The Great 98%...
The Resters' Awards, sponsored by Asda SmartPrice Range, celebrates the tenacity and the downright wonderfulness of the out of work actor. We want to recognise the hard work that actors put into a career that often gives very little in return and we can to reward an actors' unwavering loyalty to its often cruel master. So, before we begin, please make yourselves a cup of tea (1 teabag per row) and settle down for an evening of disappointment, fixed smiles and frequent napping.
Before the awards begin, the audience are upstanding for the Resters' National Anthem, a medley of daytime TV hits including such themes as This Morning, Cash In The Attic, Countdown and even BBC News 24. The audience hum along and high fives are exchanged when people guess each tune correctly.
The first award of the night is Best Alternative Career to Pay Your Bills. Do you regularly find yourself with a headache induced by an ill-fitting headset, loud ring tones and flickering strip lighting? Still getting over that illness brought upon by standing in the rain handing out flyers in High Wycombe for 9 hours? Got photocopiers arm or receptionists knee? Then this award is aimed at you, my temping friend. The prize is a year's supply of painkillers (that you'll end up giving to fellow co-workers as they seem incapable of buying their own.)
Next up we have the Worst Audition Award. Found yourself in a church hall in the middle of nowhere pretending to be a moth? Turned up to a casting only to find it's for porn? Or, even worse, have you had to endure a workshop audition? Well, my little survivor, this is the award for you. The prize is a marquee-sized hankie to cry into on the way home.
Our third award is Best Rester, the highlight of the evening. Have you managed to spend all day in your pyjamas? Do you your Cash In The Attic from your Homes Under The Hammer? Have you been able to survive on 1 chewy satsuma and a sheet of lasagne because you couldn't be bothered to go to the shops? If you said yes to just one of these then this is your award. The winner of this prize will receive a pair of vintage C&A slippers.
Unfortunately. it's at this point that we all realise that you're all eligible for these awards. How can we possibly pick out one winner when you've all done these things? There's no way we could possibly call anyone a loser when you're clearly all winners. For every dodgy casting call and soul-destroying job you've ever taken on, you've made yourself into a champion. For each question about your career that you've dodged and for every excuse you've given for it being quiet at the moment, you've proved you deserve to call yourself an actor. So please, raise a glass of tap water, and join me in a toast to the glorious resters...
This is the most perfect blog entry in the history of ever. This is amazing. Please please write a book. I WISH this was a thing. All the winners would cry through their speeches too but for such different reasons.
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