A Plea For Actors

Something is happening. Something you might not be aware of. Something you might even support without even knowing. Every year, hundreds of unsuspecting actors are fooled. They are tricked by devious directors and deceived by festival organisers. Every year, during our so-called summer, actors, somehow, find themselves involved in outdoor theatre.

These poor actors think that this year will be the year. This will be the record breaking year where it's warm and it doesn't rain. These misguided thespians believe they'll be the lucky ones but every year they get it wrong. And did you realise, that by attending Shakespeare plays in the park or musicals in fancy gardens, you're supporting this pitiful practice? Well-meaning actors are constantly being let down by unforgiving weather, finding themselves performing prose in thunderstorms and torrential rain. And British audiences, being the hardy twits that they are, put up with it, preferring to whip on a kagoul and huddle under a golf umbrella (so huge they can barely see anything outside it) rather than put these actors out of their misery.

So, what can we do to help? What can you do to ensure that hundreds of actors every year spend their summer wondering what on earth they're doing with their lives?

If you donate just £2 a month, we can afford to send fresh towels to all the actors who find themselves in a desperate endless cycle of washing. These actors are living in conditions where there may be up to twenty of them sharing one washing machine, meaning they can't keep up and find themselves drying their poor sodden feet with drenched towels, full of an entire summer of rain. Just one extra towel could mean the difference between crying into a wet rag and the joy of having dry feet for once.

Or maybe you could spare £5 a month. This would allow us to send a weekly bottle of cheap brandy to our actors to help them forget the season of woe they've signed up to. While we don't support the misuse of alcohol, our actors are professionals who know what they're doing and are dealing with the realisation that they haven't felt warm or dry for over two months. A weekly drunken stupor is just what they need to get them to the other side.

If we're really lucky, you might donate £10 a month. This would allow us to purchase new costumes for our actors who currently find themselves in old outfits filled with the sweat of ten other actors. Ill-fitting, rain drenched garments are one of the top causes of loss of morale in actors and considering they not only have to perform in them but also flyer in them every bloody day, some new clothes could make all the difference.

So please, give what you can to this worthy cause. No amount too small due to our actors being constantly underpaid so even 50p a month is more than they're currently earning. Your help could literally change an actor's literal interpretation of literature. The smallest donation could help shake up Shakespeare and make our actors feel some self-respect again.

Thank you.