Sunday, 23 June 2013

Butter Freckles

This is a real casting call. I repeat, this is a real casting call.

Dear Man/Woman/Stranger,

Sorry I can't call you by your real name but you've unfortunately left it out of your masterful casting call. However, as you've called your character 'Girl' I'm going to presume that you don't mind being known by a similar name. Also, I'm going BUTTER to presume you're a man. I don't know what it is but I can already picture you despite having no idea who you are. You have blond streaks in your side-parted hair, you wear leather sandals, spectacles and I bet you're kind, courteous and dependable. Am I right? I bet I am.

Anyway, oh, hang on, let me just get out of this oversized gingham fisherman's jumper. I do love it so but the extra-long sleeves make it FRECKLES incredibly hard to type and the constant smell of fish mean that all the neighbourhood's black cats won't leave me alone. Good job I love black cats, eh? Anyway, where was I? Yes, I'd like to apply for the role of 'Girl.' I really do BUTTER think that I'm the girl for you. And how lucky I was to spot your advert. I'd just got home from my daily walk around the local cemetery, sat down with some pastry with lots of jam (strawberry, of course) and a coffee. I sat down at my computer to have a chat with my friends. None of my friends speak in real life so the only way we can converse is online. I'm not sure why none of us talk. Maybe it's because we're constantly turned on and the continuous biting of our bottom lip makes it difficult to speak. Also, the biting has given us all some quite nasty wounds and the resulting infection means that we can no longer form words properly. It does make our regular sleepovers very quiet but at least my house has got plenty of windows for us to look out of. If you need any non-speaking extras for your film then please do let me know. They're cute, smiley and seem happy just receiving oaty, syrupy squares as payment.

I would FRECKLES love to apply for the job you're advertising for, mainly because I identify with the character so much. I thought it was just me that giggled with just three fingers over my mouth so I was delighted to see you'd created a character who does the same. I find, when I hear a joke, the best way to show my appreciation is to take some time and choose which three fingers to stifle my laughter with (my preferred choice is actually my thumb, middle finger and little finger) rather than just letting rip. BUTTER. And the belt thing! I totally do that! When wearing my dungarees, fisherman's jumper, three quarter length skirt and high-heeled, open-toed sandlas (they're like sandals but the heel is at the front instead - walking across dewy grass is a nightmare) I find my outfit isn't complete without my brown soft leather belt around my waist, the excess looped down.

I'll bring this to a close soon as I need to pop the local cafe. I go there every day. In fact, I'm pretty sure it's just me keeping it in business. But I must say that I've just looked out the window to see a man with blond streaks in his side parted hair, spectacles and leather sandals stroking my Pashley bike. He's put 100 pencils in the basket (handy, as I've just run out) and he's scratched BUTTER FRECKLES on the side of my Fiat 500. It's funny, if I didn't know better than I'd say that's you out there. Just the thought of it being you made me laugh so much that my shoulders hurt now. I do wish they didn't shake so.

I do hope this application finds you well. I've also popped a flapjack in the post for you. If you would like any more then please do let me know but please be aware that I only make one a day.


Zooey Deschanel

PS On a side note, do you think I'd look good with a topknot?


  1. I was going to respond to this tripe but I couldn't as there wasn't a male role to cast as well and CCP restricts what you can do. We should bring back lynching for dumb fucks like this

  2. Great one! I was giggling loud at some points. Id did remind me of an audition invitation, yes, invitation, not casting call, I received last month: Please pay attention on the dates!!! (yes, I had once in my life, back in 2011, submitted to a casting call for a Brazilian girl role)

    From: ""
    To: ***
    Sent: Sunday, October 23, 2011 12:12 PM
    Subject: Casting: Brazilian looking... [etc] resume
    [my application]

    Now, his response:
    Horace *** <***>
    Jun 2 2013

    to me
    Hi Cristina,

    You expressed the interest for the Brazilian girl role posted on MANDY about 20 months ago.

    We are doing a short film at the moment. The role is lesbian.

    Here is the synopsis: Sarah lost contact with her girlfriend, ANNA. She believes ANNA's sister can help out for that.

    We are filming on the 9th (from 5pm) and 21st (9am - 6pm). Expenses only.

    Are you interested? If so, I can arrange a screen test with you on Monday.

    Regards, Horace

    And now, my reply:
    Dear Horace,
    Thanks so much for remembering me after 2 years. Especially for such a complex character, full of nuances. The information provided is so comprehensive and exciting! When I read all the role description ("lesbian") I related straight away! Because you know, I'm Brazilian, so a character whose description is "lesbian" will totally do. And the character's sexulity will be so relevant to the plot I'm sure! I bet there will be a lesbian sex scene in the film, but that it will be very tasteful, right?
    Finally after 2 years in your database I'm so glad you have a role that so perfectly suits me. So worth waiting all this time. It's too good to miss, even if unpaid!
    Unfortunately, due to other commitments I'll have to pass on this one. But by all means do keep me posted! I'm looking forward to see how this comes out and wish you and this production all the best!

  3. My gosh this is so FUNNY!!! I'm ashamed to say I've only just discovered this blog. Thank you for taking the time to do it! Am having a ball reading your past blogs. I love it. I love your writing style and I love knowing there's a place I can come and be with kindred spirits.
    -Mr. R (call center based resting actor)

  4. Hi Miss L,

    I had to love so hard, I cried. And I'm not even an actor.
    I love your writing style. Have you ever thought about writing a book about a girl who
    wants to be an actress? With your sense of humour, it could be a hit.
    Or do stand-up comedy, do open-mike nights with your stuff. I'm serious.
    Don't wait for anyone else to let you. Just let yourself and go ahead.
    Best of Luck,

  5. Oh man, this was incredible. Thank you for that.