An Actor's Diary

"So, you been auditioning much lately?"

It's times like this that I wish I'd never mentioned to anyone that I was an actor. I mean, do accountants get asked "Dealt with any spreadsheets recently?" God, I hope they don't.

Of course, if I hadn't mentioned to anyone that I was an actor then my career would be in a pretty sorry state right now wh-oh, right. Yeah, I'd actually have been better off not telling anyone I was an actor so at least I could live my current life without being asked the above question time and time again.

The problem is, it's quiet at the moment. Heck. If I had a penny for every time I mumbled that it's just not that busy at the moment then I'd never need to worry about it being quiet ever again. But it is. We're currently in this seemingly endless season of short weeks where everyone gets the self-employed experience of not really knowing what day it is and finding themselves in their pyjamas on a Monday morning eating chocolate. The problem is though is that if you ask an actor, it's always "quiet at the moment..."

January - everyone's still drunk on Port and wondering just how much more cheese one person can physically eat to possibly think about putting anything on.

February - short month, innit? No one's got the time and everyone's worrying about Valentine's which is pretty bloody important. Far more important than an acting career.

March - yay! An audition. Followed by nothing while everyone tries to work out when the bloody hell Easter is.

April - April Fools! Haha! Oh, your mate is hilarious. Pretending to be the casting director for Game of Thrones and telling you they wanted you. You totally didn't fall for it. No way. You spend the rest of the month crying and miss out on any other possible work.

May - BANK HOLIDAYS! SUNSHINE! WHO CARES ABOUT CASTING WHEN YOU'VE GOT A BLOODY SOLERO?!

June - there's actually some work about now but you've spent so much time this year wondering how to make a meal out of three frozen peas and half a lemon that you've got yourself some paid office work. Sorry, dreams. Bills gotta get paid.

July - HOLIDAYS! Not you. Oh no. Them. You get to temp to cover those who can actually afford to go away.

August - you watch sadly as the rest of the world heads up to Edinburgh for a month of being stuck in a cycle of damp clothes and wanting to build a fort of the bazillion flyers in your bag just so you can get a moment's peace from all the other bloody actors up there.

September - Edinburgh comedown? Panto worries? Everyone wanging on about the fact that we haven't had a proper summer? Whatever it is, your diary is quieter than an actor being asked how to create a formula in Excel.

October - the nights are starting to really draw in now so, y'know, shorter days mean no one's got time to put things on. Right? RIGHT?!

November - remember, remember, no one gets work in November.

December - panto time! Unless you can rock polka dot tights with the rest of them then this season is not for you. Oh no. You just get to be asked by people why you're not doing panto. And then there's Christmas, of course. No one's making anything now. They're waiting for January when it'll all pick up again...oh...