Know Your Audience

“Oh, crap. My phone has run out of battery. Never mind, I don’t need my phone for the next few hours because I’m about to watch a play and be entertained by people.”

That’s what this fool should’ve thought the other day as he went into a Broadway play. Alas, he didn’t. Instead, he joined the legions of appalling audience members that continue to plague actors.

Ok, ok. That sounds a bit harsh. Now, don’t get me wrong. Actors would be lost without an audience. Without them, we’d just be prancing around for the hell of it. That’s not performing, that’s just a Wednesday night in your bedroom. And you can’t put that on your CV. Believe me, I’ve tried.

But I can pretty safely say that all actors have an audience horror story. From the late Richard Griffiths ordering a woman out of the auditorium because her phone went off to to Patti Lupone stopping mid-performance to yell at an audience member for taking photos (something which, rather ironically, was audio-recorded and uploaded here…)

Then there are the stories of couples having sex in auditoriums. And, of course. Who doesn’t get turned on by a good proscenium arch and a cracking safety curtain?

So what is wrong with audiences? Is it that we now watch too much TV and are so used to shuffling and eating and chattering through a whole box set? Are we all so ridiculously important that even a couple of hours in a theatre can’t do without us blustering about? And heaven knows, theatre is trying to keep up. Tweeting seats, immersive productions and even online streaming of productions so you can still prat about at home without worrying that your decision to eat a whole family bag of Doritos is putting off the actors. And maybe that’s the problem. Maybe audience members just don’t know the line anymore? Sometimes they're being expected to get up and be involved and other times they're expected to sit still for hours on end in stony silence. 

The optimistic actor in me (that’s the one that applies for acting jobs and puts ‘running’ as a skill on my CV…) likes to think that it’s because the audience become so engrossed in our performance. Your parading on stage as a demonic horse (yep, I’ve played that role) is so mesmerising that they forget they sound like a horse eating a multipack of Hula Hoops. I want to believe that, I really do. But I’ve been performing while a man sighed so heavily that I nearly blew off stage so, sorry optimistic actor, I think you’re wrong.

So is it audiences being rude or, as actors, do we need to stop being so precious? Historically, theatre audiences were far more boisterous. I’m sure Nell Gwynne was up against far more than someone’s phone going off or a quick fumble in the front row. As actors, do we need to just get on with it? Or should an audience member's rudeness be addressed for all to see? Like being asked by your teacher to share your little joke with the past, is it right to call these things out? Do we owe the rest of the audience a flawless performance or, actually, do they love being part of this confrontation? 

But going back to our man in Broadway...y'know, sometimes we need our phones in the theatre. What if we can’t afford the programme but we need to know what we’ve seen whatshername in before. Have you tried concentrating on Coriolanus while you try and why you work out thingy carrying the stick? And what about those terrible plays? No, you don’t need a phone because you’re going to be that guy, sat in the back row with your face lit up like a Glo Worm toy. But, dammit, watches are stupidly hard to see in the dark. Just a quick sneak to see what….OH GOD, HOW HAS ONLY 20 MINUTES PASSED?

So, here are a few little rules…

1.)  Leave that bag of Salt & Vinegar McCoys at home

2.) If step 1 is too difficult then learn the valuable art of sucking crisps.

3.) Check your phone is on silent

4.) If step 3 is too difficult then cut all ties with your friends and family before heading out

5.) Remember the set is not for you. Actors don’t just randomly walk into your places of work to use your things, so don’t do the same to us.

6.) If step 5 is too difficult then I think being outside might be more your thing.  

The Future of The Actress

It’s 2033. For the past 18 years, the film industry has hired a secret taskforce to simplify the art of filmmaking forever. Since 2015, a crack team of middle-aged men have been working tirelessly to eradicate the most hated part of a filmmaker’s life…the creation and casting of female characters.

Today, we unveil the new age of The Actress. Each injected with YouMustNeverLookADayOver21 ™ Serum, no Actress will ever age over 18 years and 1 day again. With perfectly formed breasts that she has no qualms about exposing, and a body free of imperfections, no filmmaker need worry again about a speck of cellulite or less than ample boobs ruining their movie again.

She is here to give your film that believable sex scene that you've always wished for.

She is your guardian angel in a push-up bra.

She will use her nipples to silently detract from your poorly written script.

To save confusion, each Actress now looks exactly the same so you can order your film’s eye candy safe in the knowledge that you will get exactly the woman you haven’t paid for.

Oh yes, you don’t even have to pay. Every single Actress has been programmed to have no knowledge of finances so she’ll be completely oblivious to the fact that your ageing male lead actor is earning millions. Due to advanced LivingOfAir™ Technology, all Actresses need to live are the vague promise of an IMDb credit, a limp sandwich and the reassurance that their naked body will be seen in every single shot of your film.

And don’t worry, Actresses have also had all their career expectations removed so you can now write as many dead, naked female bodies into your films without feeling an ounce of guilt. There’s not even any need to waste precious minutes on giving your female characters a personality trait. Instead, all Actresses now come with fully programmable personalities:

The Wife 

Will constantly follow your male lead around any house-setting, fully naked, while speaking up to five programmable nagging phrases. Great for dramas, comedies or whenever you need to make your male lead more sympathetic.

The Girlfriend

A 2 for 1 deal. Order one and get another identical actress to play her equally naked best friend. Perfect for any comedy film.

The Stripper 

A must for any scenes where your lead male character needs to meet other male characters outside of the home. Will appear fully naked in the background.

The Prostitute 

Great for night-time street scenes and to highlight any male character’s inner-turmoil.

The Dead Body

Perfect for any scene. Each actress is capable of not breathing for up to 2 hours at a time. Also perfect for quickly establishing that your well-written older male character is either a murderer or an investigator.

And guess what? They don’t even have a name. If you order The Stripper, then that’s what you call her. No more faffing around trying to think up interesting names for your female characters. ‘Emma’  has ideas above her station and thinks she has an integral role within your film whereas ‘The Stripper’ knows she’s just there to make Stephen, your leading male character, look like the interesting flawed character you’ve written him to be.

All this means that you can now instead start negotiating more airtime, clothes and money for your male actors. Because, hey, we all know that a film is nothing without over-exposed, over paid and over clothed men.

Oh, and these actresses don’t eat. Of course.

So, that’s….

Wardrobe budget: slashed.

Time spent writing female characters: slashed.

Time spent persuading actresses to get their kit off: slashed.

Catering budget: slashed.

Time spent making your male actors feel better: up by 2000%

Budget to spend on securing male actors: up by 3000%

Time to spend on writing male roles with personality and depth: up by 6000%

The chance of your film being taken seriously: up by 10000%

So don’t delay. Order your actress today. And watch those award nominations come flooding in…

Creating Diversions

Today, Channel 4 announced that they are issuing strict diversity guidelines to ensure there is greater diversity and representation in shows being commissioned. This means that commissioned dramas and comedies must have at least one lead role played by a BAME, LGBT or disabled performer and 50% of lead roles are to be played by women, if there are no other minorities featured.

So far, so bloody brilliant. But unfortunately these guidelines have been brought in with a threat to cut Channel 4 executives' bonuses if they fail to meet diversity targets.

Oh.

Because there’s nothing like seeing diversity on TV and knowing it’s there because an exec has been bribed with money. That’s a definite victory for female, disabled, LGBT and BAME performers everywhere. Getting to be on telly because someone’s been threatened with having their pocket money cut is what we all dream of.

What we actually need is encouragement for dramas and comedies to be created with these under-represented groups because it’s more interesting watching something that isn’t just a bunch of white men dicking about. What we don’t want are so-called “minority” performers being crowbarred into programmes, especially given the way that these characters can be sometimes written...

Women can be fully dressed for the duration of their screen time. They can be over 18. They don’t have to be but they can. They can also be over a size 6. Again, they don’t have to be but they can. They can also have a role that isn't defined by their relationship with the leading white male.

Not all BAME males are criminals. Or shop owners. Or wise-quipping mates. They can also have a role that isn't just a bit part in furthering the lead white male's story.

Not all BAME females are oppressed, a sassy best friend or over-sexualised. They can also have a role that isn't just a bit part in the lead female's life, the female who is in a relationship with the lead white male.

When establishing an LGBT character, their first scene doesn’t HAVE to be about confirming their sexual orientation with the audience. They can also have a role that doesn't require them to deal with an unrequited love for or from the lead white male. 

Disability doesn’t necessarily mean being in a chair. Or being a pitiful character. But, likewise, they don’t have to be the villain either. That’s not the way to show you’re TOTALLY RELAXED ABOUT WRITING A CHARACTER WITH A DISABILITY. They can also have a role that doesn't involve them being called upon to give advice to the lead white male.

Basically, don’t base the character’s character on their minority status. You don’t have to ignore it completely but female, BAME, LGBT and disabled characters can have depth too.  If our streets were full of such stereotypes it would be bloody weird, and it’s no different on our screens too. 

Hopefully these new guidelines will be a celebration of the UK's diversity without a crowbar in sight. Hopefully they'll allow previously unseen performers have a chance. Hopefully it'll make television even more brilliant than it already is and be the shake-up that this industry needs. Hopefully I'll finally get a telly credit on my CV... 

OH, AND DON’T THINK I’VE IGNORED THE FACT THAT WOMEN ARE STILL BEING CLASSED AS A MINORITY. THAT IS FOR ANOTHER BLOG WHEN I'VE RUN OUT OF THINGS TO SMASH.


Many thanks to @margojmilne, @daisymartey, @hayleynovember & @ShamirDawood who all helped with this blog. 

Been In Anything I Might've Seen?

“Oh, you’re an actor? Been in anything I might’ve seen?”

You know your career is in dire need of help when it reflects poorly on the person asking if they have. Like many actors, it would be highly unlikely that you’d have clapped eyes on my brief offerings to the actor gods (Dench & Hurt.) In fact, unless you're one of the following people...

• A lover of Theatre in Eduction

• The person behind the fact that all three adverts I’ve appeared in have never made it to air

• Have a knack for stumbling upon poorly advertised plays

• My mum

…then I’ll never have been in anything you might’ve seen.

Never ask this question. Firstly, it makes the actor question their own dubious career and what if we have been in something you might’ve seen? Was our performance so unmemorable that you need to ask us? Are you really going to put us in the position where we have to meekly remind you that we were once in Channel 5’s Family Affairs? Really? Is that how you get your kicks?

AND WHY ARE YOU PRESUMING THAT ALL ACTORS KNOW WHAT YOU WATCH? DO YOU THINK WE HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH OUR DAYS THAN PEER THROUGH YOUR CURTAINS AND KEEP TABS ON YOUR VIEWING HABITS?

Sorry. 

And you should really stop watching Come Dine With Me and, please, clean your net curtains.

Basically, all you’re asking with that question is “Have you ever been on telly?” And I dread that question. Because I haven’t. In 8 years as an actor, I’ve had one TV casting (Hollyoaks. I didn’t get it but I did get to see the Grange Hill building so, y’know, those 3 years at drama school definitely paid off.) I can’t tell people things that might impress them when they ask me about my career. Of course, we don’t do this job to impress others (well, we do) but it’s hard to feel upbeat about your job when you watch someone’s interest physically get up and leave as you tell them about the time you played a stag in front of 8 people. And of course, a TV career doesn’t mean that you’ve made it, but in party-chat currency, it’s pretty damn useful.

Brilliant things are being done to ensure that more actors get at least a slight chance to be seen outside the trusty comfort of friends and family. The Act for Change Project that's asking for greater diversity on our screens and the calls for the BBC to stop going to the same agents time and time again to cast their shows are working hard to open up the TV industry to those who aren’t white or privately educated.

But there’s still a huge gap which was proved today by two stories currently in the news: one listing the top 10 earning actors (Robert Downey Jr made about £44m last year) and the other about Sir Ian McKellen calling for actors to earn a living wage (£8.80 an hour which would allow actors to earn £18k should they be lucky enough to work full time.) Most actors currently find themselves earning way below a living or even a minimum wage and are more reliant on their temp agency than their acting one. 

The main argument is that there are just too many actors but it would be easier to tell how many we need to get rid of ask politely to try a new career if the acting work and wealth were spread out even just a little bit. If the actors we see in EVERYTHING (I'm not naming names but I'm looking at you, Cumberbatch) donated just one job a year to previously unknown actors then imagine that. A few more actors might be saved for that special wince that's reserved for CVs and bank accounts and they would no longer dread being spoken to at parties. 

So, next time you meet an actor and go to ask that question, think about what you’re really asking them and just offer to buy them a drink instead.

How To Write A Bloody Casting Call

You’ve got an idea and, by hook or by crook, you’re going to get it seen. Now, you just need to get hold of some pesky actors and then you can set off on a wild, film-making adventure together. The world of actors and casting calls can be a tricky one and, if you’re not careful, you’ll be rifling through applications with one eye while getting to grips with a court order with the other. So here are a few tips to make the whole ordeal as easy as a Sunday morning.

All these quotes are taken from real-life casting calls. These other people have made the mistakes so you don’t have to. So sit down and have a little look at these handy tips…

“We’re looking for three male rolls.”

When writing a casting call, it doesn’t matter how amazing the experience will be or how wonderful the characters are if your spelling requires its own translator. Remember, the casting call is often where you make your first impression with actors and if you’ve got spelling mistakes all over the shop then it doesn’t fill us with much hope for the script. I know we’ve all got very used to auto-correct doing all the work for us but the difference between roll and role is a huge one. I'm a massive fan of both so, please, don't get my hopes up thinking up I'm getting a ham roll when actually it's a hammy role. The same goes for the difference between femme fatale, femme fetal and femme foetus. I’ve seen them all and it instantly makes a shoot look amateur.  

‘Due to the director and producer both being broke and a bunch of tight arses, you won’t be paid.’

The argument over unpaid work is for another day but if you’re not paying your actors, at least explain why (and no, just being tight isn't a valid excuse.)  Actors need to eat and pay bills just like everyone else so if they’re going to give up their time for free, they need to know it’s for a good cause. And if you are asking actors to work for free then look at what else you can offer them instead. Maybe offer a new show reel edit or to film some extra scenes for them to include.

'This will start shooting AS EARLY AS 7AM.'

It might seem obvious but when putting out a casting call, but put when you're planning on shooting the damn thing. I've honestly seen casting calls that have requested 'No Timewasters Please' and then not given what damn dates they want to shoot. Actors may be pretty damn spectacular but we're not mind readers. Unfortunately. 

“Please eat before coming on set.”

If you’re not even providing food or expenses for your actor then I suggest you go back to the drawing board and hit yourself over the head with it. Actors aren’t expecting you to pay for taxis (unless you’re asking them to work particularly unsociable hours or your shoot is in the middle of nowhere. If that's the case then you MUST ensure your actors can get home) or lay on Michelin-starred spreads, but if actors are actually paying to work or getting up an hour earlier to make themselves a packed lunch for your film then something has gone horribly wrong. And that thing is you.

‘I’m seeking an impersonator who can act as my mum when me and my mum can’t meet up.’

Again, like with spelling, a casting call is your opportunity to appeal to actors. At this point they have no idea who you are so your best bet would be to put them at ease and reassure them that your film won’t be their last. And if you’re argument is that you’re just being honest with actors from the start then now might be the time to rethink your project before the police come knocking.

Also, don't confuse what actors are for. Just because a lot of us are loudmouths and not afraid to make a fool of ourselves, that doesn't mean you can use us as escorts, fake girlfriends or someone to set up a fake wedding with (again, I've seen all of these.)

‘NOT UGLY.’

Now, when it comes to writing the character description, you’ll find yourself treading an extremely fine line. Give too much detail and you’ll terrify the actor but say too little and you risk the actor either not bothering or every single actor out there applying. The key is to give actors enough information so they know whether it’s worth applying (if the character needs to be 6’ tall with ginger hair then say that) but at the same time, don’t come up with a list of adjectives for the sake of it as you then risk alienating every actor reading it.

‘She is painted silver (nude), wears an elephant mask and is coated in gravy.’

Although we may be brave, actors are easily terrified too. Yes, you want your work to break boundaries but do spare a thought for the actor who will end up acting out these thoughts of yours. I’m not saying don’t include them in your work but maybe include what your plans are for the film once you’ve completed it. A job is a lot more appealing when I realise that shots of my gravy-coated bits aren’t going to just be passed around your mates.

‘To avoid time-wasting, the director’s requested full-frontal nudity in the audition.’

Once you’ve written your casting, it’s a good idea to organise where you’re going to hold auditions. If at all possible, don’t hold them at your house, or, if you are, make sure you mention this in the advert and say that you’re happy for actors to bring someone with them for safety. Actors have learned over the years to be pretty savvy but the casting call is another opportunity to put their minds at ease. However, I would always advise trying to find somewhere other than a house to hold a casting. Even if everything is entirely above board, holding the casting elsewhere will look a lot more professional. I've attended auditions held in someone's basement, a park, a rooftop and the Notting Hill branch of McDonalds. Not only did they come across as unprofessional but getting an actor to perform a harrowing scene in a fast food restaurant is not going to help them give their best. 

‘Nudity isn’t essential to get the part but it is encouraged.’

Nudity. Some actors will do it, some won’t. However, you’re unlikely to get anyone to do it if the atmosphere on set sounds like it’ll be about as comfortable as a barbed wire scarf. Firstly, look at whether you really need nudity in your film. If you don’t, get rid of it. If you really do need it then be sure to mention that it’ll be a closed set and that you’ll be using minimal crew. It might not seem like much to you but a small gesture like this can make the whole world of difference for an actor and ensure that you get the best possible performance.

‘We need eye candy for the men.’

If your casting call contains something like this then either stop being a dick or go to the person who wrote it and tell them to stop being a dick. End of.

I hope this has helped, even in the slightest. Sorry if it's come across as patronising. Sadly, as my Casting Call Woe Tumblr shows (castingcallwoe.tumblr.com) the world of casting calls can still be a pretty grim and murky place so let's all try and make it a little bit brighter.