Back On Our Feet

A photo of masked actors sat in a rehearsal room, a couple of them glance at the camera, desperately attempt to show with their eyes how pleased they are to be back, others stand chatting to each other in the background, another is intensely looking at a script while two others sit on the floor, legs splayed, mid warm-up.

An on-set selfie. Two masked actors grin intensely at the camera, one of them doing a peace sign. 'So happy to be back on set #blessed #setlife #borntodoit #backtowhereibelong'

A video of countryside whizzing past a train window before it pans to a masked actor as lyrics to 'There's No Business Like Show Business' roll on screen.

The last 16 months have been frankly appalling when it comes to convincing anyone that you are in fact still a working actor, but at least we've all been largely in the same boat. Yes, some were in first class cabins whilst the rest of us were flailing around in the sea, desperately waving to everyone on board and pretending that we're fine, but it was nice to know that a good majority of us were, basically, fucked. Of course, it was awful watching the industry we had spent years eagerly clawing our way into washing away, but there was a decent amount of reassurance from the fact that we finally had a very valid excuse of why things weren't going our way. Was I more gutted about not seeing my family this Christmas or missing out on the chance to not have to wheel out pathetic reasons about why I still hadn't quite landed my big acting break? Who can say, but I do feel sorry for all performers who weren't able to just gesture at the news when there was even a hint of Aunt Michelle asking when she'd be seeing us in EastEnders.

The problem now is that people are getting back to work. Casting calls are on the increase, rehearsal rooms are opening, sets are filling up and we're starting to see the #actorslife posts returning. Hooray. It's brilliant, it genuinely is. I say this, hand on heart, that it is bloody lovely to see performers being able to get back to work but we are very much not all getting back to work. Far from it, or at least that's what I'm telling myself. It is very easy to look online and feel like the whole acting community has landed back on their feet and we find ourselves wishing that we'd spent this last year and a half being a bit more productive. Why didn't we set up a Twitch stream? Why didn't we learn what a Twitch stream is? Why didn't we start writing that script we've been saying for years that we'd do if only we had the time? Why didn't we teach ourselves to become multilingual, multi instrument-playing performers with 8 styles of dance on our CVs? Now the boat has new passengers on board, new crew who worked hard for their place, and now we're floating away wondering if we can even remember how to swim.

I don't know what the point of this post is, but for anyone who happens to stumble here, looking back over the last year or so with a sense of bafflement as to what they actually did, you're not alone. The thought of getting those acting plates spinning again is daunting so it's okay if it doesn't feel exciting. I feel like I'm back to those graduating days from drama school but without the excuse that I've been training for the last 3 years. No, I didn't do any Shakespeare over Zoom. No, I didn't use the time to really get into voiceover work. No, I didn't work out how to use Twitch. Yes, I spent a lot of time wondering what would happen when the industry started to open up again and I was back at square one. 

So, here we are. We wait. We hope. We continue to wear our pyjamas throughout the day with pride. Maybe that plate will start turning again, maybe it will crash to the ground and we'll cry, or maybe, just maybe, we'll find something new to do with it entirely.

I Know It Sounds Bad But...

So often I see the words ‘I know this sounds bad but…’ when reading a casting call. Often it’s followed by a request for an actress to get naked or wear revealing clothes or be painted silver, wear an elephant mask and be coated in gravy (true). Still, they obviously don’t feel that bad. To them, it’s the level of bad we feel eating something off the floor that’s gone beyond the 5-second rule or the bad we feel when Netflix pops up to ask if we’re really still watching Drag Race. We know we shouldn’t be we do it anyway because it makes us feel good, good enough to erase that little bit of guilt. Sure, we might have mice and we can’t remember the last time we hoovered but that bit of cheese is fine, right? I can only imagine that’s how these people behind the casting calls feel, they know it sounds bad but…

The problem is that this is how much of the acting industry is run, from the people making a 2-minute short with their iPhone up to the very, very top, as was revealed in the news this week. By all accounts, Weinstein knew he was doing wrong but he still did it. Women have been his hit of cheese cascading onto the floor and he’s eaten them up even though he knows he really shouldn’t.

Hearing women calling this out is phenomenal and amidst this horror and shock despite this hugely inevitable news, it’s felt like a small ray of light, a little glimmer of hope that maybe this will be the catalyst for change. But there has been much criticism regarding women not coming forward at all and that needs to stop. As I should think has become horrifically aware to those who haven’t experienced this industry first hand, it’s not particularly supportive. Competition is rife, jobs are hard won and fear is worn daily.

‘I know it sounds bad but…’ Yes, we all know it sounds bad but you still want it and I still want a job. Emma from drama school just landed a Hollywood role and Roberto from the first play I did is now at the National and Helena from my improv class has just been made a regular in Corrie. Everyone seems to be getting work and the pressure mounts and you don’t want to be that actress who clearly just doesn’t want it enough. Success is so often measured on what you’re willing to sacrifice, from having an healthy social life to your self-esteem, and not giving up enough is seen as a lack of commitment, that you can’t be that motivated, that your drive isn’t as fierce as the next woman who will do that.

I’m thankful I haven’t found myself in a situation where I’ve felt unsafe but I have felt pressure to do things I don’t want to do. While still at drama school, only months before graduating, we were making short films and I was playing the lead, a character who loses her virginity by the end of the film. One day, the director takes me to one side and tells me that he expected me to be topless, minimum, for the role. I was 20, I was just about to go into the real world and this was someone who had worked for many years within the industry. Although it was absolutely the last thing I wanted to do, I did it.  I wanted to show willing, to prove that I really wanted this. So I went through what I still hold as the worst day of my acting career, feeling uncomfortable in a room full of men doing something I didn’t want to do but felt powerless to do anything about. And this was for a role I had already secured in something that no one would ever see.

This is happening at every stage of the acting industry and we need to stop putting the responsibility on actors to call it out. It’s amazing that actors feel they can but the industry needs better regulations, better support, better education to stop this from happening, and we mustn't assume that just because some actors can then they all are able to. The idea of the casting couch has become so ingrained in our culture that we almost laugh about it like it’s some old Hollywood myth but we know it happens and we need to make it stop because what starts as, ‘I know this sounds bad but…’ becomes something stronger each time they get away with it. 

We should not be making actors feel guilty for not calling things out sooner, we should be shaming the industry that allows this to happen in the first place. Actors are made to feel grateful for their work, constantly reminded that if they won’t do it, someone else will, and what we now need to make sure is not to stop that person from doing what no one else will but to stop those asking them do it.  I know this sounds bad but…

On Cloud Line

It’s well known that, as actors, when we meet someone, they’ll almost definitely ask if you’ve been in anything they might’ve seen.  This may come as a surprise to some people but we don’t actually just sit outside your living room window, keeping track of all the programmes you watch, entering it into a central database so we can all cross-reference our CVs with your viewing habits. Once that line of conversation goes nowhere, we’ll go down the, ‘Got any work coming up?’ route, a similarly short and futile pathway to head down. It’s at this point that I’m most often asked what the best acting job is that I’ve ever done.

Now, this is a question I often struggle to answer. Is it the painful months of touring schools playing an 8-year-old? Was it the play that was held in a venue that was so poorly protected from the elements that we went in one day to find actual snow drifts on stage? Was it the summer season that paid so poorly that I was forced to live off tinned soup for a month and the height of luxury was value gin mixed with cheap sparkling water and the tiniest drop of cassis?

Of course, I’ve had some amazing jobs too. I’ve starred in adverts alongside comedy heroes, I’ve put on my own show in Edinburgh and graced the stage with proper legends, I’ve even got to wear an Aldi warehouse jacket, but I realised this morning what the actual best acting role is that I’ve ever played.  It’s none of the jobs I previously mentioned.  It’s not a job that involved loved celebrities or endless supplies of pizza or even my own trailer. It’s not even the job that warranted my own police escort. And, if you’ve read my essay in The Good Immigrant, it wasn’t even the time I got to play Jack Frost. No, it was the time I got a line in the local pantomime.

‘So what did you do in Munchkinland Mr Scarecrow?’

That was it.  I’ve battled for so much more, lamented over a lack of lines and the unfairness of it all.  I’ve dreamt of starring roles and endless heartfelt monologues but nothing has made me happier than that one line.

I remember being taken to one side and being told that I would be getting this line.  For a quiet but confident 8-year-old child, this was quite the responsibility and I treated it as such.  Looking back now, I realise this part wasn’t given to me for any particular acting ability that I had, I was just a sensible girl with a loud voice who could be trusted with such a thing.  If I was told to be somewhere, that’s where I would be.  I’m very much the same now but sadly acting roles don’t seem to be handed out on your scale of dependability.

I treasured that line like I would a tiny kitten.  Those words were precious and demanded my full attention.  I’m embarrassed to say that in my professional career I’ve had thousands of words, acres of dialogue, hours of verse, and I’ve treated none of them with the respect that I held for that one pretty inconsequential phrase.

‘So what did you do in Munchkinland Mr Scarecrow?’

It was a line that probably didn’t even need to exist but I’ve never felt so important.  I remember I got to stand in the wings with the man who played the scarecrow and I basically felt 12 feet tall. I mean, I was a tall child for my age anyway but this made me feel practically Amazonian.

A line.

A precious line.

A line that had been given to me and no one else.

I treated that role like I was Olivier going on at the Globe. I wasn’t being paid, only getting a few snacks in between the matinee and evening performance, but I felt like an A-lister.

That’s the level of pride I want to feel for everything that I do now on. 8-year-old me has set a high standard, but if it was good enough for her then it’s good enough for me a quarter of a century on. If she had been asked if she was up to anything at the moment, she wouldn’t have coyly muttered that she only had a line in the local panto, she would have summoned a fanfare and boomed it from the rooftops.

So, when I next catch myself belittling an achievement, trying to talk down something just because I think it’s insignificant, I’ll remember her and be proud, as proud as an 8-year-old with a line that’s spoken in front of 50 people in a dusty school hall.

Moral Dilemma

It's been a long time since I got an audition. In fact, it's been so long that when I was offered one this week, I instantly presumed it was a trick. Some poor filmmaker who I'd mocked on Twitter had found out who I was and was now seeking revenge. I'd be lured to a church hall and would be slowly diced up with copies of The Stage. But finally, reminding myself that going to auditions is supposed to be a massive part of my job, I reluctantly convinced myself that it was genuine.

I got there this morning, so embarrassingly early that if I'd turned up in a pony and trap while wearing a ruff and tossing tuppence to a street urchin, I wouldn't have looked at all out of place. I got to the venue and, as usual, the instructions were ridiculous. Getting into an audition venue has always been a problem of mine. Maybe it's the universe trying to save me from the inevitable humiliation that's about to take place but doors are not my strong point. If it says 'push' then I 'pull' and if it says 'no entry' then I walk in anyway. And, to top it off, when people organise auditions, they put the most confusing instructions possible to get actors to the right place. I've seen ones with hastily scrawled maps, ones written in the faintest pencil possible and I've even had one tell me that the venue is no longer in use to actors should make their way to the local McDonalds round the corner where they'll be auditioning instead.

Today's instructions decided to go for the written explanation. About five different directions were written on a piece of paper that Commander Hadfield could've photographed from space. After first attempting to get into a shed, I finally realised I was surrounded by younger, prettier versions of myself and knew I was in the right place. My name was ticked off the list and I was handed a script to look over.

Now, I only vaguely knew what I was going up for. I hadn't actually applied for this job so when they invited me, they told me a little bit about what it was for without any real specifics. So, I started to read the script and I soon realised that this was promoting something that I really don't agree with. You don't need to know what it is but I suppose it's similar to a vegan finding themselves auditioning bacon grease slicked roast chickens. And, to top it all off, the script was horrible. There was spelling mistakes, unnecessary abbreviations and instead of stage directions, they'd used emoticons. It was horrible. And then an actress walked in demanding to be seen next. And then more actors came in, all through the wrong door despite the biggest sign the world has ever seen and I started to wonder whether I need anger management assistance.

Pushy actress was seen next and after the entire world's schedule was turned upside down just because she can't organise her diary properly, I was finally seen. I was greeted by a panel including a man who I'm sure isn't a stranger to wicker pants and stirring his dandelion tea with incense sticks. After a little chat, we went over the script a couple of times and that was great. I was then asked to try out some accents and I'm sure I managed to offend maybe half the world's population in record-breaking time. I was then filmed on their phones and probably put up on Instagram and it was all over. I was thrown back out into the world knowing I'd done a decent audition and having to battle the odd sensation of not wanting to get the job.

It's typical. I've waited months for an audition and now, after finally bloody getting one, it's for something that I don't agree with. Of course, they might've thought I was awful and my fretting is all for nothing. The phrase "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it" has been used a lot today. But still, however :-( it made me, I should be :-) to have been seen at all.

Unreality TV

Being contacted by a TV company should be exciting. I should feel a little flutter in my stomach that once I’ve checked on the internet isn’t an incurable disease, gets me wonderfully excited. However, you only need to spend a few weeks in the acting industry to know that 9 times out of 10, disappointment is usually lurking around the corner. 

So, you can imagine my overwhelming levels of doubt when I received a message from a production company that I’ve had absolutely no contact with before. Contacting a company is one thing but when they’re coming to you, it’s safe to say that you’re not going to be having contracts loaded with six-figure sums and years of work flung your way. And I wasn’t wrong. This particular production company was asking if I would like to take part in a new show for their channel. There was no mention of where this channel was shown but I’ve never heard of it so I’m guessing it’s buried in the depths of Sky channels where only those with a lot of patience or an eager index finger go. 

My interest had all but departed but they’d cleverly opened with a vaguely flattering line (“I bet you say that to all the actresses. Oh, you do? I see.”) so I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt and read on. However, by the second paragraph it became apparent that this was not going to be the role that had Culture sections of newspapers queuing up to interview me. In fact, I doubt even my parents would bother pretending to be interested in thi- oh, hang on… they want my family to be involved in this too? Interesting. I mean, we’ve all had to deal with the sudden rise of casting calls asking for real families to be part of adverts but at least they’re being paid. It’s one thing asking your loved ones to be on TV for a bit of extra cash but it’s another thing entirely to ask them to give up their free time for, well, free.

I thought the fact that they wanted my family and I to work for nothing was the worst they could ask me but, of course, there was more. Not only did they want to subject my family to the expenses only rubbish that I put up with on a daily basis but they also wanted to use their home to film in. Again, for no money. Anyone who has ever filmed in someone’s home will know that at least one calamity will happen at some point during the shoot. I’ve been in people’s houses where doors have been broken, pictures have been knocked off walls and red food colouring has been splattered across a cream carpet. I’ve watched the ends of boom mics being dragged against walls, leaving distressing grey marks like inky slugs and I’ve seen crews use every single power point to charge every bit of equipment that has ever been invented. But hey, at least we’d get our faces on a channel that no one will ever watch, eh? 

Thanks, but no thanks, I told them. No reply. However, it seems that they spent the next few days in a state of disbelief that I turned down their wonderful offer. “She was clearly confused when we first contacted her as I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t want to be on our channel with a viewership of 4, especially when we’re not paying.” So they fired off message number two which was worded almost identically to the first. I like to imagine that they’re eagerly watching their inbox, waiting for my reply. However, the sad reality is that they’ve probably found someone to do it and some family somewhere is desperately cleaning their house and saying a fond farewell to all the precious items that they’ve safely kept in their home for generations. I wish them luck and decent insurance cover.

Whining About Writing

If you're an actor then it's highly likely that, at some point, you've had a little whine about writing. Maybe you've had a little bitch to one of your fellow cast members about it and joked how you could've done a better job. Maybe you've had a word with your director and you've worked hard together to make the writing work for you. If you're lucky and working alongside a writer then maybe you've politely asked if it could possibly be changed ever so slightly just so it makes a bit more sense. However, unless you're Dennis Waterman, Amanda Redman or Alun Armstrong then it's highly unlikely that you decide to tell the Radio Times how fed up you are with it:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-19331320

I admit, I've spoken many a time on Twitter about poor writing. When you've received scripts that contain lines such as...

I don't know if all the Spaniards have a so big, big cock. 

I think Paul is gay. He has girlfriends just cos he doesn't want his family knows it. But he is a (pause) poof.

We will not pose for others, you alone know how lingerie is to be worn.

...it's very difficult to stay quiet. But these lines have clearly been written by people who haven't got a clue. Writers of programmes such as New Tricks are professionals and yes, maybe they don't get every single line right but that doesn't mean they deserve having their hard work ripped apart by actors in the press. 

While reading the article, all I could think was just how horribly ungrateful they all sound. They should count themselves lucky that they're part of a long-running, BBC1 primetime show. They should be happy with the exposure that they get and that they get paid to do work in a ridiculously oversubscribed profession. But no. Instead they decide to complain and shown that it's really no wonder that a group of actors is often called a 'whinge.' Perish the thought that they might just say how lucky they are to be in work when budgets are being hacked at more than an unruly hedge. 

As far as I'm aware, no one is making them stay there. If they want to leave, as James Bolam did, then I'm pretty sure that they're free to do so. If the writing is so poor that they feel the need to tell a publication that has a readership of around 2 million (I found this figure by vaguely glancing at Google so my apologies if this is wrong) then why are they still sticking around? Why not give up their roles and let someone else take over? Someone else who might be a little more grateful and has a bit of decency about them. Maybe they're worried they won't get work elsewhere and now they've shown that they're happy to publicly criticise a programme, I imagine their employability rate has clumsily slipped down the ladder somewhat.

The actor I'm most surprised at is Dennis Waterman who, in March allegedly said the eye-opening, mouth-screaming, hair-tearing line:

"It’s not difficult for a woman to make a man hit her. She (Rula Lenska) certainly wasn’t a beaten wife, she was hit and that’s different."

Now that's definitely not a line that a New Tricks writers would pen for you. That's a line that has come straight from the chauvinistic horse's mouth. And I personally think he's bloody lucky to still have a job after making such an admission. Part of his defense was that Rula Lenska was a 'big girl' and could therefore defend herself. This isn't a suitable defense anyway but I've seen Rula Lenska many a time as I used to live around the corner from her and she's everything but a 'big girl.' So you'd think that Waterman would keep his head down and thank his sexist stars that someone is still willing to employ him.

However, instead he's said that this little whiny gang would rather be in Copenhagen working on some 'extraordinary television.'  I know. The idea of Waterman achingly trying to act his way through The Killing is utterly laughable. I'll just give you a moment to have a good ol' think and a good ol' chuckle about that image....... We done? Excellent. Now, talk about biting the hand that feeds you. I'm a big fan of what the Danes have been producing lately and think that Borgen is one of the finest television dramas ever made but that doesn't give these actors the right to be quite so rude to an industry that has been incredibly supportive and has regularly kept them in work. They are in a position where they should be championing British writing and showing a bit of gratitude to an industry that has kept them in employment for the best part of 40 years. I don't really watch New Tricks but I do know that this programme is a rare thing. This is a primetime show where all the leads are over the age of 50. How many other programmes (apart from maybe Waiting for God, Keeping Up Appearances and Last of the Summer Wine) have done such a thing. But all those programmes are over 10 years old. How many TV programmes (and no, Antiques Roadshow doesn't count) that are actually on now are doing that? Very few indeed.

To the writers, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you've had to write for such ungrateful actors. And, if you want a grateful actor who'll maybe just put out the odd, poorly written complaint on Twitter, then you know where I am...

No Pay, No Way

Casting call: "“Unfortunately we’re not able to offer a fee on this occasion.”

Unfortunately this is casting call that we're all to used to seeing. A good 75% of casting calls probably contain this line or a variation on it (such as the incredibly inventive 'This is a no-pay experience!') However, what we're not used to seeing is this kind of casting call from an established company. And they're not just any old established company, they're the company behind shows such as Have I Got News For You, Outnumbered and Episodes and whether you're a fan of these shows or not, you have to admit that it's pretty shocking behaviour. As companies go, they're probably one of the biggest so why the heck are they advertising unpaid acting roles?


Now, I saw this casting call a few weeks ago and was utterly outraged and it has now been reported on in the stage here after Equity got involved and rightly questioned what on earth they were playing at. (Whether you want to praise me for being way ahead of the news is entirely up to you but I am currently accepting cash rewards and/or a Nobel Peace Prize for my work.) But I think we're all in agreement that this isn't on. There is no freaking way a company such as this should be allowed to get away with hiring actors for nothing. That, my friends, is the job of university students and unscrupulous directors. If actors can't be paid for a role on a show which will almost undoubtedly be a primetime show and will probably be slated on Twitter then when can they?

But it's the backtracking that this company has done which is even more worrying. It's the kind of awkward backtracking you do when you've been caught talking about someone behind their back. 'Oh no, not you. I meant the other Hugo Smith.' When questioned on why they're trying to get actors to work for free, they have now claimed they will not be using professional performers and will instead be using members of the public and friends and family of the production team. Is this what's going to happen now? Have we now got to the point where companies are so reluctant to pay professionals, they'd rather rope in their mates to work for free? Other people's mates are rarely funny. Other people's mates are the type of people you get cornered by at a party and then have to listen to them talk about their tedious jobs and boring lives. Other people's mates think drinking twenty bottles of WKD and then running around Derby city centre with a traffic cone on their head is the definition of 'quality.' Other people's mates should not be allowed anywhere near a television unless they happen to know a clever way of filtering out annoying adverts... Has our profession become so lowly-regarded that we can easily be replaced by the director's second cousin? And it's worrying that one of the biggest TV production companies has started this trend. Surely it's only a matter of time before smaller companies follow suit and our TVs will become awash with casts made up of the make-up artist's university mates and the man in Muswell Hill who wanders the streets asking everyone for 20p. Irritating and baffling people do not maketh the good television programmes. Actors are being pushed out of TV at an alarming rate with shows such as TOWIE and Made In Chelsea gaining far more viewers than well-made dramas and comedies so what hope have we got now?

And what's even more worrying is that yet again, actors are going to be forced into unpaid work just to hold on to to a career that's more slippery than a greasy seal. Companies are again holding us to ransom where we can either accept their terms and work for free or spend a lifetime waiting for one precious job to come our way. It's unfair, it's unethical and it's ridiculously frustrating. Plus it's extremely worrying that high profile companies are choosing cheap labour over high-quality programming. If production companies are more worried about making low-rent television than supporting the industry then what's the point?

I would love the opportunity to gain the exposure that a primetime TV show would bring but not at my own expense and certainly not just so a very wealthy production company can save a few pennies. I refuse to forego a well-deserved wage just so an exec can continue to fund their lavish lifestyle. Why should they get to go on fancy holidays while I sit at home wondering how to make a tin of chopped tomatoes and a bag of Scampi & Lemon Nik Naks last me until the end of the week. It's exploitation at it's lowest, meanest level and until we all make a stand against these companies, all we're doing is encouraging them to turn our already fragile industry into a laughing stock.