Casting The Net

Casting call: The type of girls we're looking for are sexy, attractive with a good figure, styled with a touch of class. Of course you need to be highly talkative, motivated and keen to get into character with lots of flirting and banter.

Considering what I often tweet about, I’ve actually kept pretty quiet on the subject of casting websites. Most days, someone will ask where the frankly ridiculous castings I post up on Twitter are from and I’m always sorry to tell them that they come from the websites that all us actors use. I wish they came from obscure locations but no, they come from websites that many of us pay to use. Yep, non-actors, we pay for the privilege of these often ludicrous, sexist, racist, poorly written adverts.

I subscribe to two different casting websites. One of which is pretty much obligatory and another I choose to pay for. The second I keep going because I work on the basis that I would only need one paid job from it a year for it to pay for itself and I’m fine with that. Plus, it keeps my Twitter feed alive and provides me with at least one ego-boosting retweet a day. I pay just under £400 a year for these castings. £400 to receive daily insults in my inbox. £400 to make me constantly question why I do this infuriating job. But also £400 to laugh at the sheer absurdity of other people and keep myself thoroughly entertained.

There have been castings, like yesterday’s that asked for the actor to just have experience whereas the actress had to be beautiful, that have driven me insane. And then there are the castings that ask dancing hamsters that have made me laugh. There have been baffling castings, creepy castings and ones that are probably illegal. But none have made me as angry as the one I saw for an adult tv phone-in channel. That one truly got my blood boiling. Because I don't know how it got past them. I always presumed that there was a screening process in place for castings that were put up on websites, or at least I hoped so. I realise that this industry is widely unregulated but you would hope that in the few places where checks can take place that they actually do. But apparently not. And I hope that's the case otherwise it means that these websites just don't care...oh...

I realise that TV phone in channels need to hire people. Despite being one of the blunter knives in the cutlery draw, I’d still worked out that they didn’t just pluck these girls off the street. However, I didn’t realise they’d go to well-established casting websites and that these sites, that require their members to pay if they want to see the paid jobs, would actually accept them. Well done to the TV channel for aiming so high as to look for attractive actors but shame on you casting website for demeaning our profession. Shame on you for allowing this job to be classed as an acting role. Shame on you for thinking that this is what we spent three years at drama school for. Shame on you for possibly encouraging younger actresses who are desperate for money and work into these types of jobs. 

Honestly, if I painted the whole of north London red and covered it in deadly sharp spikes, I still don’t think you’d realise just how angry this advert has made me. It makes a mockery of our already rather ridiculous profession and it means that those people who laugh or sneer at you when you tell them you’re an actor now have a right to do so. Now I know I make fun of this job but I do hold it in high regard. I’m proud of the job I do and if I can spend the rest of my life earning a decent living from it and having a damn good time then I will be exceedingly happy. I consider myself very lucky to be able to do a job that I love but that joy will only continue if companies such as this particular one, one that supposedly supports the industry and was set up as both a resource for work and a place for actors to receive guidance, actually help keep it that way.

Either that or we all just sell out, hit the gym, invest in some skimpy underwear and finally earn ourselves a soulless, depressing and unfulfilling living...

Actors On Strike

Casting call: "Payment details: no pay. Fee details: £10 show fee to cover towards costumes & insurance"

I regularly complain about unpaid work. Along with crisp eating and casting-call-mocking, unpaid moaning would earn me a lot of money if, well...y'know the rest. And I was happy complaining about it on Twitter. I was OK just subjecting T to my daily mutterings about it. But now, not only do I think the situation is getting worse, I've noticed more and more castings actually asking actors to pay. And this is bloody unacceptable. It's one thing giving up your time for free but to actually pay for the so-called privilege? Oh no. Not on my watch. If you can't even afford to put on a show then you don't put on a show. You do not, I repeat YOU DO NOT, ask actors to fund your whims. We are not Dragons Den. And we are not here to pay to work.

But it got me thinking. With the public sectors striking today, I wondered what would happen if we all got together and went on strike against unpaid work. Now I know it wouldn't happen because there will always be actors who will work for nothing. And I'm not saying they shouldn't. I've worked for free because I was starting out and fiendishly desperate for work. If you can afford to do it then I can't stop you (although, if you really can afford to do it then can you maybe also afford to give me a fiver?) But let's just imagine WHAT IF. What if we all decided that we were no longer going to take on unpaid work. Presuming anyone would take a blind bit of notice, what would actually happen?

Well, firstly I'd hope the universities and film schools would take note. Now, I realise that some film schools and universities pay their actors but there are far more that don't. And of course the students can't afford to. Their money is for beer and chips so I would never expect them to spend their few precious pennies on us actors. And why should they? They're not the ones who decide to make films, they have to because of their course. So maybe it would make the universities actually think about what they're asking and maybe offer up a bit of cash so actors can be paid. Or maybe they should instead work alongside drama schools so both sets of students can gain valuable experience instead?

And on the subject of short films, maybe it would also help stop the other big producer of unpaid endeavours - the short film competition. As an actor, you don't need to know when The 48 Hour Film Challenge or the Virgin Media Shorts competition is running because the casting websites will be awash with adverts for it. Hardly any of them pay and again, why would they? These competitions just encourage film makers to have a go and see if they can maybe win that coveted prize. But these competitions clearly don't think about the actors that will be inevitably needed to make these films. In fact, just a quick look at their website shows no mention of actors. It doesn't even mention that the actors would be welcome at the final awards ceremony. The prize is £30,000 of film funding meaning that even if the film did win, the actors still wouldn't receive a single bean. All we get is the chance for our face to be briefly seen at a screening. And we all know that landlords love when you try to pay rent with that. So, either these competitions should stipulate that all films submitted are fully-funded or they consider the consequences of encouraging people to hire actors for free.

And then there are the independent film makers, making films for whatever reason. And I salute those people for going into as precarious occupation as us silly actors. But I only salute them if they have taken the time to think about their project. They've thought about funding and have spent a lot of time raising money to ensure that everyone (cast AND crew) gets paid fairly. However I don't salute those who just feel like making a film. Those who expect actors to dance to their unpaid tune just because they're being offered a credit on a film that'll be seen by no one, a DVD that you'll receive after months of chasing and the possibility of working with these slave drivers again in the future. These film makers are the ones that need to be stopped, or at least put away under the stairs for a year or so while they think about whether they really want to make that film. If after that year they decide to play nicely and treat the art of film making with the respect it deserves then they can carry on.

And then there are theatres. Glorious theatres that charge so much for productions to be put on in their often damp and dusty spaces that theatre companies spend all their cash on hiring the space so the actors are left with nothing...again. Now I don't know what the answer is here because I can't pretend to know the costs involved in running and owning a theatre. I'm sure it's not cheap and I totally understand that they too have to make money, especially with Arts Council funding being at a depressing low. So, should theatre companies be stopped from putting on shows unless they've got enough cash to ensure everyone is paid fairly and the theatre receives enough so they can keep going? But of course, if that happens then many fringe theatres would probably be empty for at least half the year meaning that they'd then be forced to close down and the amount of work available would rapidly decrease. And I fully respect those that offer a profit share. It's wonderfully admirable but it rarely happens. I've been in a sold out play that still only made each actor £30. We had no expenses covered so for just under three months work, I got a princely sum that worked out at about £3 a week. Meaning that this job, despite not being explicit about it, had managed to get me to pay to work.

I wish I knew the answer. I wish I knew what the solution was so that actors were no longer forced into working for free. I wish I knew that there was an answer that meant we wouldn't just decrease the amount of work available meaning that the majority of actors wouldn't be pushed out of the profession while the few precious jobs remaining went to the famous names. I wish I knew more so that this blog wasn't a bit of a generalisation. But mainly I wish I knew when I'm next going to get a paid job...

To Bee Or Not To Bee

A little Twitter chat last night got me thinking. It got me thinking about horrible, nightmare-inducing things. I got me thinking until I wanted to turn my brain off and never think again. It got me thinking about the 'things' we have to be in auditions.

Y'see, if you have a nice, normal job, you probably didn't have to be something else when you went up for it. Yes, you probably had to be a more eloquent, presentable version of yourself, a being that you don't quite recongise who apparently works well one their own as well as part of a team and whose only fault is the inability to say no but I bet you haven't had to be an inkwell, a fried egg or a giraffe (many thanks to @ThatMrStirling & @Cromerty for sharing their audition woes.) Imagine the dismay when, after a beautifully thought out audition where you perform your monologue perfectly and read the script beautifully, you're then asked to be a broom. It's utterly demeaning and is one of the key moments where you truly find yourself questioning what on earth you're doing with your life.

Having to play inanimate objects is ridiculous. There's a game that some teachers or directors like to play where you're put into teams and random objects are shouted out and you have ten seconds to create that object between you. I think it's meant to show just how desperate actors are to please people but all it really achieves is getting actors to stand in a line with one idiot sticking their leg out while another gurns to try and show that they are representing a pencil. There's nothing quite like finding yourself in a flailing human pyramid pretending to be a piece of cheese to really make you realise that your parents are probably wildly embarrassed by you.

But even worst than this is animals. I love animals. If I wasn't an actor and I genuinely couldn't find myself someone who would support a life of sofa-sitting and crisp-eating, I'd work with animals. They're awesome and better than most humans. But find yourself being asked to be one in an animal and you find yourself in stereotype hell. If someone asks you to be an elephant, what's the first thing you do. Yep, you put your arm in front of your face and wave it around like it's a trunk. Monkey? Get your hands out of your armpits. Squirrel? Yes, I've just made you nibble at an imaginary hazelnut. Putting horrors of animal studies at drama school aside (running around a dance studio in a tiny leotard pretending to be a crane, anyone?) my worst experience was at a drama school audition. If my memory serves me right, we were in groups and had to devise a small movement piece. The rest of the auditionees then watched and were asked to come up with animals that it reminded them of. We then had to take the movement piece as inspiration and perform an extended improvisation piece as those animals. Other groups got lovely animals like lions and horses which mainly meant they got to wander around until time was called. However, when it was our group's turn, some wiseguy decided to shout out 'MOTHS!' which meant we then had to spend the next five minutes furiously flapping around a ground floor studio with windows on every side. All that ensued was bemused looks from other students as they walked on by and five hyperventilating auditionees who were fired up by flapping arms and adrenaline. It was not pretty. There was a myth at the school that one of the dents in the walls had been created by someone pretedning to be a bee. Note to directors: make sure you've got insurance before asking a desperate auditionee to be an airbourne creature...

And then there's trees. Because of this bloody advert:

People will always ask if you had to be a tree while at drama school and I can actually say that yes, I did once have to be a tree. It was during a seemingly innocent voice class and our tutor suddenly threw out the instruction 'And now I want you to be a tree.' Shocked looks all round as we wondered if we were being filmed for a TV prank show but no, he was being deadly serious and we entered a stereotype that we never imagined we'd be part of.

If only they'd ask me to be a resting actress. I can do that one perfectly...