Casting The Net

Casting call: The type of girls we're looking for are sexy, attractive with a good figure, styled with a touch of class. Of course you need to be highly talkative, motivated and keen to get into character with lots of flirting and banter.

Considering what I often tweet about, I’ve actually kept pretty quiet on the subject of casting websites. Most days, someone will ask where the frankly ridiculous castings I post up on Twitter are from and I’m always sorry to tell them that they come from the websites that all us actors use. I wish they came from obscure locations but no, they come from websites that many of us pay to use. Yep, non-actors, we pay for the privilege of these often ludicrous, sexist, racist, poorly written adverts.

I subscribe to two different casting websites. One of which is pretty much obligatory and another I choose to pay for. The second I keep going because I work on the basis that I would only need one paid job from it a year for it to pay for itself and I’m fine with that. Plus, it keeps my Twitter feed alive and provides me with at least one ego-boosting retweet a day. I pay just under £400 a year for these castings. £400 to receive daily insults in my inbox. £400 to make me constantly question why I do this infuriating job. But also £400 to laugh at the sheer absurdity of other people and keep myself thoroughly entertained.

There have been castings, like yesterday’s that asked for the actor to just have experience whereas the actress had to be beautiful, that have driven me insane. And then there are the castings that ask dancing hamsters that have made me laugh. There have been baffling castings, creepy castings and ones that are probably illegal. But none have made me as angry as the one I saw for an adult tv phone-in channel. That one truly got my blood boiling. Because I don't know how it got past them. I always presumed that there was a screening process in place for castings that were put up on websites, or at least I hoped so. I realise that this industry is widely unregulated but you would hope that in the few places where checks can take place that they actually do. But apparently not. And I hope that's the case otherwise it means that these websites just don't care...oh...

I realise that TV phone in channels need to hire people. Despite being one of the blunter knives in the cutlery draw, I’d still worked out that they didn’t just pluck these girls off the street. However, I didn’t realise they’d go to well-established casting websites and that these sites, that require their members to pay if they want to see the paid jobs, would actually accept them. Well done to the TV channel for aiming so high as to look for attractive actors but shame on you casting website for demeaning our profession. Shame on you for allowing this job to be classed as an acting role. Shame on you for thinking that this is what we spent three years at drama school for. Shame on you for possibly encouraging younger actresses who are desperate for money and work into these types of jobs. 

Honestly, if I painted the whole of north London red and covered it in deadly sharp spikes, I still don’t think you’d realise just how angry this advert has made me. It makes a mockery of our already rather ridiculous profession and it means that those people who laugh or sneer at you when you tell them you’re an actor now have a right to do so. Now I know I make fun of this job but I do hold it in high regard. I’m proud of the job I do and if I can spend the rest of my life earning a decent living from it and having a damn good time then I will be exceedingly happy. I consider myself very lucky to be able to do a job that I love but that joy will only continue if companies such as this particular one, one that supposedly supports the industry and was set up as both a resource for work and a place for actors to receive guidance, actually help keep it that way.

Either that or we all just sell out, hit the gym, invest in some skimpy underwear and finally earn ourselves a soulless, depressing and unfulfilling living...

Double Standards

Casting call: "1 actor preferably with experience working in films. 1 actress preferably curvaceous & attractive."

If an alien landed in my garden and asked what the world ofacting is like here on Earth, I’d show him that. And if he was unable to read English then I’d read it out to him. And if he didn’t understand English in any form then I’d show him a picture of Jonah Hill next to Megan Fox. Add to this the dent in the wall where I’m constantly banging my head against it in frustration and then he’d finally understand. He’d understand because the despair in my eyes and the whacking great bruise on my head would tell him what a sorry situation we’ve got ourselves in.

Now I know that guys get asked to be attractive in castings too. I know the industry also puts pressure on them to be fit and healthy and bloody gorgeous but I think even blokes who act would agree that the pressure on women is far worse. Take the above casting call as a soul-crushing example.A guy can get away with just having a bit of experience. That’s great. He’s worked hard and now his experience is being taken into account. Bloody marvellous. But our actress? No one gives a toss about how much work she has done or how much time she has spent developing her craft, as long as she’s gota good little figure and a pretty face, she’s got the job. It’s demeaning and upsetting and one of the key aspects that makes me hate my job.

I realise I’m not breaking any ground by saying that sex sells. Since the world of advertising realised that we like a girl with a cute face sells products more than a rat in a wig, being attractive has become more important than working out whether the chicken or the egg turned up to the party first. I realise it’s also not a new problem in the world of acting as our cinema screens have always been awash with beautiful leading men and ladies. But when you see a casting like the one above then you know that something has gone horribly wrong. 

If you don’t see castings regularly then you may or may not be amazed at just how many female roles ask for the actress to be ‘attractive’‘pretty’ or ‘slim.’ Even worse, the castings usually ask for all these things. Because so many writers think they can only write female parts who are prostitutes, strippers or femme fatales, we get sadly stuck with an endless stream of job srequiring us to be thin and beautiful. But it’s not just one sector that’s asking this of us. From unimaginative writers right at the bottom of the ladder to highflying execs who are casting for the next big feature film, they all ask for breathtakingly gorgeous ladies. It has given the industry a horrible aura of inevitability around it. You can guarantee that pretty much every job will contain more male roles than female and you can now usually bet a fair amountof money on the fact that the scant female parts that there are, most if notall, will involve the woman being good looking or naked. While the men get away with interesting characters and intriguing back stories, the women are just chucked in with a skimpy bra and a slick of red lipstick. 

I know I whinged on about this in a very similar fashion earlierin the week but I hope you’ll forgive me for repeating myself. And if you can’t forgive me, any chance you know the number of a good plastic surgeon?

Actors On Strike

Casting call: "Payment details: no pay. Fee details: £10 show fee to cover towards costumes & insurance"

I regularly complain about unpaid work. Along with crisp eating and casting-call-mocking, unpaid moaning would earn me a lot of money if, well...y'know the rest. And I was happy complaining about it on Twitter. I was OK just subjecting T to my daily mutterings about it. But now, not only do I think the situation is getting worse, I've noticed more and more castings actually asking actors to pay. And this is bloody unacceptable. It's one thing giving up your time for free but to actually pay for the so-called privilege? Oh no. Not on my watch. If you can't even afford to put on a show then you don't put on a show. You do not, I repeat YOU DO NOT, ask actors to fund your whims. We are not Dragons Den. And we are not here to pay to work.

But it got me thinking. With the public sectors striking today, I wondered what would happen if we all got together and went on strike against unpaid work. Now I know it wouldn't happen because there will always be actors who will work for nothing. And I'm not saying they shouldn't. I've worked for free because I was starting out and fiendishly desperate for work. If you can afford to do it then I can't stop you (although, if you really can afford to do it then can you maybe also afford to give me a fiver?) But let's just imagine WHAT IF. What if we all decided that we were no longer going to take on unpaid work. Presuming anyone would take a blind bit of notice, what would actually happen?

Well, firstly I'd hope the universities and film schools would take note. Now, I realise that some film schools and universities pay their actors but there are far more that don't. And of course the students can't afford to. Their money is for beer and chips so I would never expect them to spend their few precious pennies on us actors. And why should they? They're not the ones who decide to make films, they have to because of their course. So maybe it would make the universities actually think about what they're asking and maybe offer up a bit of cash so actors can be paid. Or maybe they should instead work alongside drama schools so both sets of students can gain valuable experience instead?

And on the subject of short films, maybe it would also help stop the other big producer of unpaid endeavours - the short film competition. As an actor, you don't need to know when The 48 Hour Film Challenge or the Virgin Media Shorts competition is running because the casting websites will be awash with adverts for it. Hardly any of them pay and again, why would they? These competitions just encourage film makers to have a go and see if they can maybe win that coveted prize. But these competitions clearly don't think about the actors that will be inevitably needed to make these films. In fact, just a quick look at their website shows no mention of actors. It doesn't even mention that the actors would be welcome at the final awards ceremony. The prize is £30,000 of film funding meaning that even if the film did win, the actors still wouldn't receive a single bean. All we get is the chance for our face to be briefly seen at a screening. And we all know that landlords love when you try to pay rent with that. So, either these competitions should stipulate that all films submitted are fully-funded or they consider the consequences of encouraging people to hire actors for free.

And then there are the independent film makers, making films for whatever reason. And I salute those people for going into as precarious occupation as us silly actors. But I only salute them if they have taken the time to think about their project. They've thought about funding and have spent a lot of time raising money to ensure that everyone (cast AND crew) gets paid fairly. However I don't salute those who just feel like making a film. Those who expect actors to dance to their unpaid tune just because they're being offered a credit on a film that'll be seen by no one, a DVD that you'll receive after months of chasing and the possibility of working with these slave drivers again in the future. These film makers are the ones that need to be stopped, or at least put away under the stairs for a year or so while they think about whether they really want to make that film. If after that year they decide to play nicely and treat the art of film making with the respect it deserves then they can carry on.

And then there are theatres. Glorious theatres that charge so much for productions to be put on in their often damp and dusty spaces that theatre companies spend all their cash on hiring the space so the actors are left with nothing...again. Now I don't know what the answer is here because I can't pretend to know the costs involved in running and owning a theatre. I'm sure it's not cheap and I totally understand that they too have to make money, especially with Arts Council funding being at a depressing low. So, should theatre companies be stopped from putting on shows unless they've got enough cash to ensure everyone is paid fairly and the theatre receives enough so they can keep going? But of course, if that happens then many fringe theatres would probably be empty for at least half the year meaning that they'd then be forced to close down and the amount of work available would rapidly decrease. And I fully respect those that offer a profit share. It's wonderfully admirable but it rarely happens. I've been in a sold out play that still only made each actor £30. We had no expenses covered so for just under three months work, I got a princely sum that worked out at about £3 a week. Meaning that this job, despite not being explicit about it, had managed to get me to pay to work.

I wish I knew the answer. I wish I knew what the solution was so that actors were no longer forced into working for free. I wish I knew that there was an answer that meant we wouldn't just decrease the amount of work available meaning that the majority of actors wouldn't be pushed out of the profession while the few precious jobs remaining went to the famous names. I wish I knew more so that this blog wasn't a bit of a generalisation. But mainly I wish I knew when I'm next going to get a paid job...

Total Immersion

Unless you've been living under a rock (or somewhere far flung like Surbiton) then you won't have failed to notice that immersive theatre is bloody everywhere these days. Putting on a standard play is just not acceptable these days and if the line between the performers and audience isn't as blurry as an actresses vision after a bottle of Merlot then it's not worth talking about.

I won't bore you senseless about talking about the various companies that have taken this particular performance baton and have run for the hills with it because I'm fairly sure that there are several articles out there that cover this subject far better than me. I could put a few links up for you but hey, this blog ain't a holiday, do your resting on your own time. But no, what I wanted to look at was the idea of being in the audience of these things, especially when you're a performer yourself.

If you're a performer then it's always going to be difficult to completely switch off on a trip to the theatre. Just like a chef visiting a restaurant or a doctor finding themselves in A&E, when you know how things are done, the joy of something is minimised somewhat. Theatre done well is one of the most magical experiences but if I'm in the audience, I'm also thinking of what's going on backstage before the curtain goes up. I think about the fact that actors are probably slouched just inches from the stage, gossiping with their cast about how annoying the director has become. And when watching actors on stage, I try to enjoy the action that's happening then and there but I can't help wondering if, like me, they're actually stood there wondering about how they need to pop to the bank tomorrow. And when they're taking their curtain call, it'd be lovely to think that their smiles are because of another job well done but more often than not, it's relief that they're one show closer to the end of the run.

But what happens when, as a performer, you find yourself in the audience of an immersive theatre piece. Immersive shows put the audience in the role of the performer so you'd think it would be the ideal scenario; you get to perform without the hassle of an irritating cast, awkward director and the constant nagging feeling that you could be doing something better...or something like that... But instead, I find myself more concious than ever. I start worrying that I'm not doing what the actors need you to do and that you're completely ruining their show. And I have full reason to worry about this kind of thing because I've done it before. Last year I went to the wonderful One-on-One Festival at the BAC. If you didn't go then a quick description is that each room had a different immersive experience and you go in on your own and have the time of your damn life. In one room I got to lie on a bed and draw a self portrait and in another room I had my own personal cocktail made for me. I was even kidnapped by a criminal team of beatboxers who blindfold you, throw you into a car and give you your own, private beatboxing performance. However, one of the greatets rooms was run by the masters of immersive theatre, Ontroerend Goed. It was called A Game of You and in simple terms, looks at how others view you. I don't want to ruin it in case any of you ever get to experience it but it's awesome and incredible and it makes you think for days. But, of course, I managed to ruin mine almost instantly by sitting on the wrong chair when I entered the room. The actor tried to subtly tell me that I was in the wrong chair but I had no idea what they were trying to do, thinking that this was all part of the show. Sadly the actor had to finally break out of character and tell me in the most simple terms that I was sat in the wrong chair and they'd be unable to continue until I moved. Nothing ruins a moment quite like the feeling that you've ruined something rather magical.

Then last night I found myself at another immersive theatre piece courtesy of the wonderful BAC. I was at Babel in Caledonian Park, a grand spectacle where the audience find themselves very much part of the action. But I wasn't sure just how much we were supposed to be involved. At times, members of the audience were shouting out, enjoying the mob mentality that was being inflicted upon us and I'm sure we were supposed to join in but,  instead of feeling like I could shout along too, I found myself worrying that the actors were getting annoyed with them for ruining the show. I didn't want to be the immersive theatre equivalent of the idiot who sits in the front row eating a bag of Kettle Chips while playing on his phone and farts loudly in every dramatic pause. Although that does sound quite fun...maybe I need to rethink my position as an audience member...

Tales From The Script

Yesterday I was invited to a casting. It was an exciting moment because castings are normally preceded with begging letters and me trying to come across as a wonderfully employable actress rather that a director would be foolish to overlook. But this one was different. This one I hadn't applied for. They had found me which basically means I'm now as sought after as Dame Judi Dench and Dame Maggie Smith combined. Or so I thought. Y'see, I'd let excitement get the better of me before I delved a little deeper. As we tried to work out whether we were going to have to extend into the garden to make space for my rapidly growing head, I took a look at the script. And it was then I realised that I'm still right at the bottom of the pile, somewhere beneath a TOWIE cast members bumcheeks...

This script was, by far, the worst thing I have ever read. It's four pages of near nonsense. It contains six separate references to the penis and one single paragraph mentions the word 'dildo' a eye-watering three times. Now, I wish I could just post the script here because it would honestly get more hits than my writing could ever achieve but even I'm not that cruel. But please take it from me that it's incredible. Any script that contains a sentence talking about sexual problems and how they need to be remedied with a diet of pulses is up there with the greats. It has no punctuation whatsoever, they've bafflingly used the word 'eats' instead of 'means' and they've ended one sentence with the phrase 'shouldn't be it?'  The script is so bad that I've actually replied to ask when and where the casting is because I can almost guarantee that the experience will be so blogworthy that I might be able to retire on it. I'm still waiting to hear back, I think they might have been confused by my question on whether or not the job is paid...

Now I don't want to start on too much of a rant on scriptwriting because I know very little about it. I've got full admiration for those that can do it well and I think it's an incredible skill. However, I've been whacked round the face and slapped on the bum by so many bad scripts that I finally feel that I need to say something. Now I make secret of my incredible ability to create overly long sentences that are infuriating to try and read. And I know that I probably get spelling and punctuation wrong on occassions. But I don't expect anyone to act out my blogs (if anyone would like to, please record it and send it to me, I will post it on YouTube and I can become a millionaire at your expense.) Surely, if you've written a script, it's generally a good idea to get a few trusted people to have a look over it so they can let you know if things don't make sense/you've written the worst script since Showgirls/you should never be allowed near a keyboard and an idea ever again.

But more than a poorly written script, it's the ideas that really make me want to dive into a bag of Salt & Vinegar McCoys and never come out again. I've spoken before about my frustration at writers who seem unable to write a Middle Eastern character without mentioning terrorism and/or arranged marriage. I'm amazed at the amount of writers who've done this and, as an actress who often goes up for these roles, it's so hair-tearingly dull, I'm amazed I still have a full head of unmanageable locks. And then there's the problem with female roles. Recently I have seen so many casting calls where all the male roles are interesting parts with wonderful quirks and intriguing back stories and then all the female roles are described as 'beautiful' 'model like' or 'prostitute/lap dancer/slut.' I'd reluctantly accept it if it was every so often but every single day I'll see more than one casting where a writer has clearly enjoyed writing brilliant characters for men and then, realising they've left the ladies out, throw in a few bikini-clad beauties for good measure.

After all this then, we're left wondering what's the answer? Hopefully we've got a new wave of wonderful scriptwriters out there who are just about to leap over the horizon with their imaginatively written scripts in their eager hands. Or, the other answer which I usually hear, is that actresses need to write their own stuff. This annoys me because we shouldn't have to do this, but I understand the point and yes, maybe we should be doing this more. But then you read an article such as this one here: http://www.chortle.co.uk/news/2012/05/05/15326/bbc_one_faces_sitcom_drought and you wonder whether it's even worth it. (Of course these thoughts come after you've screamed at the screen for ten minutes having just read the sentence "But because it's a small gene pool for talent, on and off screen..." but that's for another blog.)

So maybe I should be writing my own work instead of complaining about everyone else's. When I've written my sitcom about an Iraqi lingerie model who commits acts of terrorism to get out of an arranged marriage, I'll let you know...

To Bee Or Not To Bee

A little Twitter chat last night got me thinking. It got me thinking about horrible, nightmare-inducing things. I got me thinking until I wanted to turn my brain off and never think again. It got me thinking about the 'things' we have to be in auditions.

Y'see, if you have a nice, normal job, you probably didn't have to be something else when you went up for it. Yes, you probably had to be a more eloquent, presentable version of yourself, a being that you don't quite recongise who apparently works well one their own as well as part of a team and whose only fault is the inability to say no but I bet you haven't had to be an inkwell, a fried egg or a giraffe (many thanks to @ThatMrStirling & @Cromerty for sharing their audition woes.) Imagine the dismay when, after a beautifully thought out audition where you perform your monologue perfectly and read the script beautifully, you're then asked to be a broom. It's utterly demeaning and is one of the key moments where you truly find yourself questioning what on earth you're doing with your life.

Having to play inanimate objects is ridiculous. There's a game that some teachers or directors like to play where you're put into teams and random objects are shouted out and you have ten seconds to create that object between you. I think it's meant to show just how desperate actors are to please people but all it really achieves is getting actors to stand in a line with one idiot sticking their leg out while another gurns to try and show that they are representing a pencil. There's nothing quite like finding yourself in a flailing human pyramid pretending to be a piece of cheese to really make you realise that your parents are probably wildly embarrassed by you.

But even worst than this is animals. I love animals. If I wasn't an actor and I genuinely couldn't find myself someone who would support a life of sofa-sitting and crisp-eating, I'd work with animals. They're awesome and better than most humans. But find yourself being asked to be one in an animal and you find yourself in stereotype hell. If someone asks you to be an elephant, what's the first thing you do. Yep, you put your arm in front of your face and wave it around like it's a trunk. Monkey? Get your hands out of your armpits. Squirrel? Yes, I've just made you nibble at an imaginary hazelnut. Putting horrors of animal studies at drama school aside (running around a dance studio in a tiny leotard pretending to be a crane, anyone?) my worst experience was at a drama school audition. If my memory serves me right, we were in groups and had to devise a small movement piece. The rest of the auditionees then watched and were asked to come up with animals that it reminded them of. We then had to take the movement piece as inspiration and perform an extended improvisation piece as those animals. Other groups got lovely animals like lions and horses which mainly meant they got to wander around until time was called. However, when it was our group's turn, some wiseguy decided to shout out 'MOTHS!' which meant we then had to spend the next five minutes furiously flapping around a ground floor studio with windows on every side. All that ensued was bemused looks from other students as they walked on by and five hyperventilating auditionees who were fired up by flapping arms and adrenaline. It was not pretty. There was a myth at the school that one of the dents in the walls had been created by someone pretedning to be a bee. Note to directors: make sure you've got insurance before asking a desperate auditionee to be an airbourne creature...

And then there's trees. Because of this bloody advert:

People will always ask if you had to be a tree while at drama school and I can actually say that yes, I did once have to be a tree. It was during a seemingly innocent voice class and our tutor suddenly threw out the instruction 'And now I want you to be a tree.' Shocked looks all round as we wondered if we were being filmed for a TV prank show but no, he was being deadly serious and we entered a stereotype that we never imagined we'd be part of.

If only they'd ask me to be a resting actress. I can do that one perfectly...

Silent But Deadly

Firstly, read this:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/stage/theatreblog/2012/may/02/fringe-theatre-actors-exploited-props

If you're anything like me then you probably read most of it with a little jazzy voice in your head going 'And your point is what, exactly?' OK, it might not have been jazzy. Maybe it was Irish. Or loud. Or maybe you made it sound like a monster. But, if you're a working actor then I'm fairly sure your reaction was fairly similar to mine. And if you're not an actor then you're probably left wondering what their problem is.

Y'see, I thought that this article was going to finally give all us actors a bit of a voice and expose the soul-shattering amount of unpaid work out there at the moment. Just today I saw a casting call for a fringe theatre piece that didn't pay but made a point of saying that the last two years they'd managed to break even and had been able to put on a massive party for their cast and crew at the end of it all. Now, I don't know about you but I'd rather they spent their time trying to get some extra funding rather than harking on about some rubbish party they're going to organise, spending the money they could be giving you on a cheap wine and value crisps.

I could go on for ages about the unpaid situation but it's been done to death by a lot of other people who are far more eloquent than I'll ever be. I could mention the fact that casting sites such as StarNow ask all of those who post jobs to say that they agree to abide by the National Minimum Wage Act but this doesn't then stop them posting up jobs that are unpaid. Yesterday I saw a casting call for a film about modelling scams. Underneath the casting it had the line:

The owner of this listing has agreed to abide by the UK National Minimum Wage Act. 

Now, you're way ahead of me aren't you because you already know that, of course, this job was unpaid. The director was unable to see the irony of posting up a job about scams which states that they are abiding by a law that stipulates that people providing a service should be paid the minimum amount (let's ignore any legal stuff about being self-employed and whether actors are entitled to a minimum wage) and then mentions that actors won't be getting paid.

But no, what I really wanted to talk about was the fact that I would've loved to have had a chance to play some of these parts when I was straight out of drama school. If it was a choice between playing a near-mute barman in a successful play at the Bush Theatre or dragging myself around Oxfordshire and Nottinghamshire performing TIE for kids who couldn't care less, I know which job I'd choose. Yeah, it's dull being on stage when you've got very little to say but, when you've just hopped straight out of drama school, getting those credits and working alongside directors and actors of that calibre is pretty bloody great. And I understand that it might not be the greateest thing to write to casting directors and agents about but heck, at least you've got something to tell them. During my first year of drama school, I'm pretty sure that casting directors and agents thought I was taking a vow of silence against them. As much as I wanted to get in touch with them, it's bloody hard persuading the National Theatre's casting director to attend a 9am showing of your play on heroin in a school hall in Banbury.

And sometimes being silent on stage is no bad thing. Some of the greatest moments of theatre I've seen have been just from a look that a so-called 'lesser character' makes. And also, let's not knock the relief that being quiet on stage can bring. I've had several shows where I've had prolonged periods of silence on stage (make of that what you will...) Now, I'd love to say that I spent that time staying in character and keeping my character's motivation and intentions firmly in mind. But of course I didn't. Those moments are also great for wondering what terrible food you're going to pick up on your way home, whether you turned the gas off before you left the house or working out inventive ways to sack your agent. They allow you to keep a sneaky eye on the audience and they also help you to gently work your way through a killer hangover.

So let's not be too down on those mute lurkers and silent standers. If someone wants to pay me to silently stand on a stage for two hours, let them, I say!