The Actor

Actor   noun 

Pronounced  ˈak-təəəəəəər

Synonyms: thesp, pest, lazy pyjama clad tea drinker

Antonyms: employed

The common actor (Whingius Restium) is a sub-species of the employed worker. They are widely known for the desperate look in their eyes and are recognisable by their well-known call which details what they’ve been working on recently. Although similar in build to other workers, the actor is often identified by its high-pitched whine and need for affirmation at all times. 

Considered a pest in areas such as Soho and other pockets of London where they can afford to live, the actor can often be found in shared housing where they tend to dwell with other members of their species. They tend to furnish their homes with untouched copies of The Complete Works of Shakespeare and poorly produced DVDs of student films they’ve appeared in. 

When not at home, actors are usually found at their resting job that they like to refer to as their ‘stop-gap.’ This term allows the actor to believe that despite having been in this job for over 6 months, they will eventually land an acting job again. Resting jobs are taken on by actors due to the belief that most acting work will be done for free. When not acting or moping around in their pyjamas, actors are usually found within the depressing walls of a call centre, hassling people in the street or teaching bright young things to go and get the career that they never managed to achieve.

During the rare occasions that actors are employed to prance around on stage or drift about on set desperately waiting for their few seconds on camera, they are known to be a terrible bore. Despite the fact that this is supposedly their job, this is when they complain the most and will often be found bemoaning a lack of sleep or whinging about how the show hasn’t been advertised well enough. They like to blame everyone but themselves and their most popular targets tend to be their agent, the director, most often, their fellow cast members.

Despite being solitary hunters, actors are irritatingly social creatures and are at their most annoying when they travel in packs. They use a variety of vocalisations and when in a group, they are often identified by their louder than average voice and tendency to name-drop. There have also been recent sightings of actors performing the entire Les Miserables score on the District Line and playing the warm-up game ‘Zip Zap Boing’ in local parks. This behaviour has been identified as ‘attention seeking’ and is employed by actors to ensure others know what they do for a living.  

When alone, actors will often mutter lines to themselves in the hope that onlookers will think they’re currently working on an exciting new role. They will also fake phone calls with pretend agents and like to highlight scripts to feel that they’re more important than they are. 

They are experts at sniffing out free bars and the alarming amounts of cheap red wine they consume means that they are often quite placid creatures. However, actors have been known to display extremely violent behaviour when asked whether they have appeared in EastEnders or when they’re going to get themselves a real job. Although their violent outbursts are outwardly frightening, their stage combat training means that their actions are usually harmless. 

Actors are notorious liars and they use this most effectively when trying to attract a potential employer. If an actor has even heard of a trombone then they will claim that they can play it to a high level in an attempt to get work. Masters of exaggeration, they will usually upgrade a small part in a student film to featured role in an award-winning movie to make their CV appear more attractive.

A lot of mythology surrounds actors, the most popular being that actors are happy to work for sandwiches, an IMDb credit and a DVD copy that tends to arrive in the post a year after filming has been completed. Many employers believe that actors are huge fans of the art of ‘chasing’ and will often withhold DVD copies and payments to allow actors to indulge in this favourite pastime. 

In recent years, the fate of the actor has become increasingly precarious as employers are now replacing them with what they like to call ‘normal’ or ‘real’ people. This technique has become a real threat to actors and means that many of them are now desperately trying to become ‘real people’ themselves, often with tragic consequences. This has driven actors to an underworld known as ‘Creating Their Own Work’ which although seemingly exciting, will eventually lead them to the desperate and terrifying world of the Edinburgh Fringe where they will be found selling their soul to sell tickets and destroying any final scraps of dignity on The Royal Mile. The increasingly desperate behaviour of the common actor means that most people now prefer to ignore them to avoid any further upset, the hope being that if you ignore them long enough then they will eventually go away. This unfortunately has only increased the tenacity of the actor and, to date, their numbers are doubling year on year.