The Future of The Actress

It’s 2033. For the past 18 years, the film industry has hired a secret taskforce to simplify the art of filmmaking forever. Since 2015, a crack team of middle-aged men have been working tirelessly to eradicate the most hated part of a filmmaker’s life…the creation and casting of female characters.

Today, we unveil the new age of The Actress. Each injected with YouMustNeverLookADayOver21 ™ Serum, no Actress will ever age over 18 years and 1 day again. With perfectly formed breasts that she has no qualms about exposing, and a body free of imperfections, no filmmaker need worry again about a speck of cellulite or less than ample boobs ruining their movie again.

She is here to give your film that believable sex scene that you've always wished for.

She is your guardian angel in a push-up bra.

She will use her nipples to silently detract from your poorly written script.

To save confusion, each Actress now looks exactly the same so you can order your film’s eye candy safe in the knowledge that you will get exactly the woman you haven’t paid for.

Oh yes, you don’t even have to pay. Every single Actress has been programmed to have no knowledge of finances so she’ll be completely oblivious to the fact that your ageing male lead actor is earning millions. Due to advanced LivingOfAir™ Technology, all Actresses need to live are the vague promise of an IMDb credit, a limp sandwich and the reassurance that their naked body will be seen in every single shot of your film.

And don’t worry, Actresses have also had all their career expectations removed so you can now write as many dead, naked female bodies into your films without feeling an ounce of guilt. There’s not even any need to waste precious minutes on giving your female characters a personality trait. Instead, all Actresses now come with fully programmable personalities:

The Wife 

Will constantly follow your male lead around any house-setting, fully naked, while speaking up to five programmable nagging phrases. Great for dramas, comedies or whenever you need to make your male lead more sympathetic.

The Girlfriend

A 2 for 1 deal. Order one and get another identical actress to play her equally naked best friend. Perfect for any comedy film.

The Stripper 

A must for any scenes where your lead male character needs to meet other male characters outside of the home. Will appear fully naked in the background.

The Prostitute 

Great for night-time street scenes and to highlight any male character’s inner-turmoil.

The Dead Body

Perfect for any scene. Each actress is capable of not breathing for up to 2 hours at a time. Also perfect for quickly establishing that your well-written older male character is either a murderer or an investigator.

And guess what? They don’t even have a name. If you order The Stripper, then that’s what you call her. No more faffing around trying to think up interesting names for your female characters. ‘Emma’  has ideas above her station and thinks she has an integral role within your film whereas ‘The Stripper’ knows she’s just there to make Stephen, your leading male character, look like the interesting flawed character you’ve written him to be.

All this means that you can now instead start negotiating more airtime, clothes and money for your male actors. Because, hey, we all know that a film is nothing without over-exposed, over paid and over clothed men.

Oh, and these actresses don’t eat. Of course.

So, that’s….

Wardrobe budget: slashed.

Time spent writing female characters: slashed.

Time spent persuading actresses to get their kit off: slashed.

Catering budget: slashed.

Time spent making your male actors feel better: up by 2000%

Budget to spend on securing male actors: up by 3000%

Time to spend on writing male roles with personality and depth: up by 6000%

The chance of your film being taken seriously: up by 10000%

So don’t delay. Order your actress today. And watch those award nominations come flooding in…

NAKED SEXY BOOBS

Recently Telegraph Women did a piece on the phrases that are only ever used to describe women. Words like ‘feisty’, ‘bitchy’, and, my personal worst, ‘sassy.’ Now, because everything in my head eventually ends up at what flavour crisps to have today or casting calls, I thought I’d take a look at how women are often described in the world of acting. The list in the Telegraph piece are all too regular when it comes to describing female characters but, of course, the world of acting can’t help but go that bit further…

EYE CANDY

I always hoped I’d see this awful phrase just once but, sadly not. This soul-bustingly terrible term comes up all too often and, most of the time, it’s used to describe women. Not only is it hugely derogatory towards women for reasons that should be hugely obvious (if not, this blog probably isn’t for you) but it’s also impressively insulting towards men too. The idea that men can only watch something that contains beautiful women is about as ridiculous as getting an actor to get your tax affairs in order.

DEAD

Many drama schools claim to get their gorgeous little actor fledglings ready for the realities for the acting industry. If that was true then the men would be sent off to learn a new, interesting character everyday while the women would spend 3 years being taught how to remain still while a prosthetic wound uncomfortably dries on their face and a pathologist pokes their boobs. One year I'd like to keep count of the amount of times a dead naked woman is wheeled out on a slab in films or on TV but I fear I'd run out of numbers around mid-March. 

NAKED

Find a casting call containing a woman and it generally won’t be long before the subject of nudity is brought up. If you haven’t got a woman getting her bits out in your film then, quite simply, you don’t have a film. FACT.

SEXY

This is an interesting one. And it's totally fine to explain how your characters look but if you find yourself looking for a sexy woman and an 'interesting' or 'confident' man then you need to take a serious look at what you're making. Describing a woman purely on her looks does not a female character make. 

CALL GIRL

  

Or prostitute. Or stripper. Or lapdancer.  Of course, there is nothing wrong with these professions or including them in your work. However, if you do have these roles in your film or on your stage then please write them to be more than just a pair of tits.

SLUT

Just don’t. Same goes for slapper. Thanks.

BOOBS

Much like nudity, boobs are often what are included in a script in place of a well-written female character. And who can blame ‘em because, really, what’s a women apart from a cracking pair of baps? Yep, that’s right. EVERYTHING.

BEAUTIFUL BUT SMART

This, along with ‘surprisingly beautiful geek’ and ‘actually pretty with no make-up’, comes up a lot. Let’s get this straight; being smart and beautiful doesn’t automatically make a woman some kind of witch. You don’t need to mention it. If you've written a smart and beautiful female character then congratulations, you've just written yourself a woman. 

So there we go. There's just a few that make my forehead meet my desk, wall and floor. Please, let's save the hard surfaces of the world and stop using these terms ALL THE BLOODY TIME. 

A woman is not just a pair of boobs or naked set dressing for your film. We're capable of heading up a storyline while keeping our clothes on. I promise. 

Casting Call Terminology Explained...

Nudity required – you’ll be getting your boobs out.

Partial nudity required – you’ll be getting one boob out.

No nudity required – you’ll be getting your boobs out, we’re just not sure at what point yet.

We're making a film - you'll be getting your boobs out.

We need an actress - you'll be getting your boobs out.

Artistic – you’ll be getting your boobs out but we’ll film you in black and white.

Experimental – you’ll be getting your boobs out but you’ll get to wear a mask.

Brave actors required – you’ll be getting your boobs out in front of our crew which is made up entirely of our mates.

Please note, this is a student production – you’ll be getting your boobs out in front of people who may not have seen boobs before.

Historical – you’ll be getting your boobs out but it’s fine because that’s what they used to do in the olden days.

Futuristic – you’ll be getting your boobs out because regardless of what happens in the future, films will always need naked women.

Film noir - you'll be getting your boobs out but it's fine because it's classy and that makes everything ok. 

Documentary – you’ll be getting your boobs out but it’s fine because that’s what happened. Honest.

Mockumentary – you’ll be getting your boobs out because we reckon doing a mockumentary on the porn industry is well edgy.

Shakespeare – you’ll be getting your boobs out because we reckon setting Hamlet in a brothel is well edgy.

Indie - you'll be getting your boobs out because everything has to be well edgy.

Pantomime – you’ll be getting your boobs out because ALI BOOBIE AND THE NAUGHTY THIEVES.

Horror – you’ll be getting your boobs out just so you can die horrifically.

Sci-fi – you’ll be getting your boobs out and LASERS.

Comedy – you’ll be getting your boobs out because you’re the only woman in this and rules are rules.

Children’s theatre – you’ll be getting your boobs because, er, solidarity with the breastfeeding mums? Yeah. That’ll do.

We're casting Game of Thrones - you'll be getting your boobs out with dragons.

We're casting a new HBO show - you'll be getting your boobs out but at least loads of people will see them when they illegally download the show.

We're casting a new BBC show - you'll be getting your boobs out but no one will really care because Benedict Cumberbatch is in the next scene. 

This is a low budget film – you’ll be getting your boobs out and are expected to be grateful for the Zones 1 & 2 travelcard and a bag of Wotsits.

We’ll be taking this show to Edinburgh – you’ll be getting your boobs out which will be a nice memory when you’re in bed recovering from pneumonia.

We’ve already had interest in this film – you’ll be getting your boobs out so that we can keep them interested.

You must have trained at an accredited drama school - you'll be getting your boobs out because these are no university mammaries, they're RADA mammaries.

We'll be entering this into film festivals - you'll be getting your boobs out because, hey, they kept up their side of the bargain, so...

No pay but many members of our crew have won awards – you’ll be getting your boobs out because BE GRATEFUL THAT YOU’RE GETTING TO SHOW YOUR NIPS TO A BOOM OPERATOR WHO GOT THEIR DofE BRONZE.

No pay but this will look great on your CV – you’ll be getting your boobs out because every actress deserves to have ‘Naked Girl’ on their Spotlight page at least once.

No pay but this will great on your showreel - you'll be getting your boobs out because who doesn't want a constant reminder of the time they got naked in a stranger's flat?

No pay but we will feed you - you'll be getting your boobs out because we bought you pizza, goddamnit.

No pay and we won't be covering expenses - you'll be getting your boobs out because OH PLEASE JUST GET YOUR BOOBS OUT. Game of Thrones gets boobs all the time. Now we want them. BOOBS. 

A Nude Sensation

Ladies who dont mind doing nude scenes, not a requirement for all but it does pay more.

Something excellent happened this week. After a lot of hard work from lots of people, including the brilliant Karina Cornell, Equity have now decided to investigate the worrying trend that is seeing an increase in acting jobs requiring nudity.

To avoid time-wasting, the director’s requested full frontal nudity in the audition.

Those that follow me on Twitter and see the casting calls I post on my Tumblr, Casting Call Woe, will know that the constant calls for actors to get their kit off is something of a scantily-clad bugbear of mine. There is not a day that goes by when I don't see at least one casting call that requires actors to get naked to play the roles of strippers, escorts, prostitutes or 'the love interest.' And yes, while it's mainly the women that are asked to get naked so they can keep their CV up to date, I'm seeing an increase in calls for male nudity too.

Nudity isn’t essential to get the part but it is encouraged.

So why is it happening? It's easy to say that the problem is mainly in the short film and student film sector where you tend to get a lot of inexperienced filmmakers just having a go at putting something on camera. Maybe they want to make their work to be more edgy and seem like they're doing something different and they decide that the way to do that is to get all the cast to go through excruciating simulated sex scenes in a bedroom donated by the director's best mate's cousin (who just so happens to be there to 'keep an eye on what's happening.') And these jobs often don't pay. All you're offered is your return train fare, a slice of Asda Value quiche and a constant reminder on DVD of that day you found yourself getting naked in front of a crew you'd only met for the first time 5 minutes ago.

It would be ideal if actresses are willing to go topless.

But I think the problem is coming from higher up. As bloody brilliant as shows such as Game of Thrones are, it's almost impossible to watch an episode where the Boob Count hasn't reached double figures by the closing credits. And while shows such as these set a precedent for well made, intelligent programming, they also suggest that all actors are totally fine with getting what their mother gave them out for all the world to see.

Must be willing to show/flash your breasts. 

And what if you're not happy about getting naked? Just because you're an actor then that shouldn't mean that you're willing to do anything for your art. When I first started out the temptation is there to show those dishing out roles that you're happy to do whatever they tell you so that you look employable. Showing willing is what you think will keep the roles coming in. Now, thankfully, I was never put in that situation but I can't say for definite that I wouldn't have if I was asked. There will be actors out there who think that this is acceptable (and I'm sure there are plenty of actors out there who are absolutely fine with it and good luck to them, there's certainly plenty of work out there for them at the moment) and that is a worry. No one should ever feel pressured into getting undressed just because they're worried their showreel hasn't been updated for a year now.

Girl wanted for naked role.

I was recently sent a script by a student filmmaker asking if I would be interested in being in a film he was making. The script contained excruciating lines such as 'he buries his face deep between her thighs' and 'he digs his face into her bosom' and that's when I knew I was definitely out. Now my CV is in seriously desperate need of new work on it but there is a line and this job was nowhere near it. The thought of desperately clawing through a sex scene with a group of 2nd year film students fills me with a dread normally reserved for sitting down and doing my tax return. Yes, maybe they're a wonderfully talented bunch and one of them might go on to win an Oscar but that's not a risk I'm willing to take.

Lying on bed naked and she is thrown across the room.

I know the point has also been raised that this investigation by Equity could lead to censorship and the loss of artistic freedom for writers and filmmakers. I don't think anyone wants that to happen and I don't think anyone in the industry is saying that there needs to be a ban on nudity entirely. However, I do hope that if nothing else, it encourages writers and filmmakers, when sitting down and coming up with their next idea, they spare a thought for the actor approaching their new creation and consider what it requires of them too.  

(For anyone wondering, the lines between each paragraph are genuine sentences taken from genuine casting calls. I wish I'd made them up just for this blog but they are sadly very real and what actors face every day when looking for work.)

Spare Any Change, Mate?

Today, a casting call arrived on my laptop screen offering the actress it was looking for the princely sum of £3 an hour. Yep. £3 an hour. Sometimes there are jobs where I think I'd prefer they just paid nothing rather than price-matching the first job I had at the age of 14 where I found myself holding the head of a dead pig while an autopsy was carried out. In 1997, that's what £3 an hour bought you. A teenager holding a dead pig's head. Now, £3 an hour buys you an actress. Apparently.

It was only when I read through the rest of the casting that I saw the film also required the actress to get naked. Of course. If the world of casting calls are to believe then all films need at least one lady to get her bits out. And fair enough. I mean, that's totally why we got into this job. We like to watch the male actor folk do what they love while we wander around in the background wondering if our nipples are in shot.

The thought of getting £3 an hour for bringing your boobs to the yard is pretty grim. Unless the filmmaker is paying by BACS then there are very few positive outcomes:

1 hour of filming: the filmmaker sheepishly drops three pound coins into your hand and you slope off into the night without even having your bus fare covered. You later find that no machines will accept one of the pound coins.

2 hours of filming: you get a grubby pound coin wrapped in a tattered £5 note. You use the money to buy a KFC Hot Wings Box to cry in on the way home.

3 hours of filming: the filmmaker asks if you have change for a £10 note. You've now become the shopkeeper of your nudity.

4 hours of filming: you get a £10 note, one £1 coin and two 50p coins. While you depressingly funnel the change into your purse, you wonder whether this was really worth it.

5 hours of filming: this doesn't include change! You rejoice...until you're left waiting in the filmmakers living room while he spends 15 minutes searching his flat trying to find a £5 note.

6 hours of filming: you're cold now. The crew bought two pizzas an hour ago but ate them all while you were crying in the bathroom. You're given a £10 note and a load of change gathered up from the rest of the crew. You can't even be bothered to count it to check.

7 hours of filming: you've forgotten that you're even naked now. You get given a £20 note and somehow you're made the feel the awkward one when receiving the additional pound coin.

8 hours of filming: the filmmaker asks if you have a pound. You don't. You spent it on crisps. Although he could just give you £25, he instead spends the next 10 minutes nervously asking the rest of the crew if they have £4 in change to give you.

9 hours of filming: you don't really care what happens any more. You just want to go home. You're given an envelope with your £27 in as a lot of it is made up of coppers and 5p coins.

10 hours of filming: £30! YES! You skip home with the newly acclaimed knowledge that pride is apparently worth 10 hours of sitting around nervously with your boobs out.

So, when you think it can't get any worse, just imagine receiving change for getting naked.

Casting Doubt

'We can pay for any cosmetic surgery she may require for the movie.'

I know I keep saying this but it constantly amazes me that casting calls can still surprise me. But this is definitely up there in that little elite group that leave me staring in shock at my computer screen for a good few minutes before I tell the world about it on Twitter. There are some seriously worrying casting calls out there and it leaves me wondering what the process is when these adverts are submitted.

I know I make fun of a lot of these casting calls on Twitter but some of them, like the one above, are seriously damaging. Ones that ask you to change yourself or others that tell you that performers willing to appear naked are preferred are not only hugely unethical but actually very dangerous too. I’d like to think that even when I was starting out that I might be able to ignore these castings but with acting work being at an all-time low, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if there were people going up for these roles. When all you want to do is act, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking you have to do whatever a director tells you otherwise you’ll be seen as unwilling and clearly not serious about your career. Of course, this isn’t the case but especially when you’re new to all this, that can be how the industry seems. The acting profession, despite its nature, can actually be very lonely and if you don't have other people to ask or if you're just a bit desperate to make your mark then you may find yourself going up for these parts.

The casting above is of course a very extreme example of how terrible casting calls can be but it’s the perfect example of why this industry still needs a lot more regulation. That casting has now been removed but it was posted a week ago and I’m sure actors have applied for it. This unfortunately means that the casting process is probably well under way and some poor actress is now being told all the things she has to change about herself just so she can match the ideals of a team who wouldn’t know a real woman if they deservedly smacked them in the face. This could be an actress who is entirely new to the profession and thinks that changing yourself because someone else says you need to is perfectly acceptable. Just like the casting that said they may want their actress to eat less so they are more suited to the role, casting websites need to prove that they are vetting these adverts before being put online. If they’re not vetting their castings, which seems to be the case with some of the larger sites, then this is deeply worrying and shows a disappointing lack of commitment and support to the actors that are paying fees to keep their website running. We actors are expected to pay to be able to access these casting calls but sadly it sometimes leaves us questioning exactly what we're paying for. 

As usual, we actors have to look after ourselves so the only solution at the moment is to keep reporting these casting calls and hope that eventually, these websites will take notice and start taking a bit of responsibility too.