The Future of The Actress

It’s 2033. For the past 18 years, the film industry has hired a secret taskforce to simplify the art of filmmaking forever. Since 2015, a crack team of middle-aged men have been working tirelessly to eradicate the most hated part of a filmmaker’s life…the creation and casting of female characters.

Today, we unveil the new age of The Actress. Each injected with YouMustNeverLookADayOver21 ™ Serum, no Actress will ever age over 18 years and 1 day again. With perfectly formed breasts that she has no qualms about exposing, and a body free of imperfections, no filmmaker need worry again about a speck of cellulite or less than ample boobs ruining their movie again.

She is here to give your film that believable sex scene that you've always wished for.

She is your guardian angel in a push-up bra.

She will use her nipples to silently detract from your poorly written script.

To save confusion, each Actress now looks exactly the same so you can order your film’s eye candy safe in the knowledge that you will get exactly the woman you haven’t paid for.

Oh yes, you don’t even have to pay. Every single Actress has been programmed to have no knowledge of finances so she’ll be completely oblivious to the fact that your ageing male lead actor is earning millions. Due to advanced LivingOfAir™ Technology, all Actresses need to live are the vague promise of an IMDb credit, a limp sandwich and the reassurance that their naked body will be seen in every single shot of your film.

And don’t worry, Actresses have also had all their career expectations removed so you can now write as many dead, naked female bodies into your films without feeling an ounce of guilt. There’s not even any need to waste precious minutes on giving your female characters a personality trait. Instead, all Actresses now come with fully programmable personalities:

The Wife 

Will constantly follow your male lead around any house-setting, fully naked, while speaking up to five programmable nagging phrases. Great for dramas, comedies or whenever you need to make your male lead more sympathetic.

The Girlfriend

A 2 for 1 deal. Order one and get another identical actress to play her equally naked best friend. Perfect for any comedy film.

The Stripper 

A must for any scenes where your lead male character needs to meet other male characters outside of the home. Will appear fully naked in the background.

The Prostitute 

Great for night-time street scenes and to highlight any male character’s inner-turmoil.

The Dead Body

Perfect for any scene. Each actress is capable of not breathing for up to 2 hours at a time. Also perfect for quickly establishing that your well-written older male character is either a murderer or an investigator.

And guess what? They don’t even have a name. If you order The Stripper, then that’s what you call her. No more faffing around trying to think up interesting names for your female characters. ‘Emma’  has ideas above her station and thinks she has an integral role within your film whereas ‘The Stripper’ knows she’s just there to make Stephen, your leading male character, look like the interesting flawed character you’ve written him to be.

All this means that you can now instead start negotiating more airtime, clothes and money for your male actors. Because, hey, we all know that a film is nothing without over-exposed, over paid and over clothed men.

Oh, and these actresses don’t eat. Of course.

So, that’s….

Wardrobe budget: slashed.

Time spent writing female characters: slashed.

Time spent persuading actresses to get their kit off: slashed.

Catering budget: slashed.

Time spent making your male actors feel better: up by 2000%

Budget to spend on securing male actors: up by 3000%

Time to spend on writing male roles with personality and depth: up by 6000%

The chance of your film being taken seriously: up by 10000%

So don’t delay. Order your actress today. And watch those award nominations come flooding in…

NAKED SEXY BOOBS

Recently Telegraph Women did a piece on the phrases that are only ever used to describe women. Words like ‘feisty’, ‘bitchy’, and, my personal worst, ‘sassy.’ Now, because everything in my head eventually ends up at what flavour crisps to have today or casting calls, I thought I’d take a look at how women are often described in the world of acting. The list in the Telegraph piece are all too regular when it comes to describing female characters but, of course, the world of acting can’t help but go that bit further…

EYE CANDY

I always hoped I’d see this awful phrase just once but, sadly not. This soul-bustingly terrible term comes up all too often and, most of the time, it’s used to describe women. Not only is it hugely derogatory towards women for reasons that should be hugely obvious (if not, this blog probably isn’t for you) but it’s also impressively insulting towards men too. The idea that men can only watch something that contains beautiful women is about as ridiculous as getting an actor to get your tax affairs in order.

DEAD

Many drama schools claim to get their gorgeous little actor fledglings ready for the realities for the acting industry. If that was true then the men would be sent off to learn a new, interesting character everyday while the women would spend 3 years being taught how to remain still while a prosthetic wound uncomfortably dries on their face and a pathologist pokes their boobs. One year I'd like to keep count of the amount of times a dead naked woman is wheeled out on a slab in films or on TV but I fear I'd run out of numbers around mid-March. 

NAKED

Find a casting call containing a woman and it generally won’t be long before the subject of nudity is brought up. If you haven’t got a woman getting her bits out in your film then, quite simply, you don’t have a film. FACT.

SEXY

This is an interesting one. And it's totally fine to explain how your characters look but if you find yourself looking for a sexy woman and an 'interesting' or 'confident' man then you need to take a serious look at what you're making. Describing a woman purely on her looks does not a female character make. 

CALL GIRL

  

Or prostitute. Or stripper. Or lapdancer.  Of course, there is nothing wrong with these professions or including them in your work. However, if you do have these roles in your film or on your stage then please write them to be more than just a pair of tits.

SLUT

Just don’t. Same goes for slapper. Thanks.

BOOBS

Much like nudity, boobs are often what are included in a script in place of a well-written female character. And who can blame ‘em because, really, what’s a women apart from a cracking pair of baps? Yep, that’s right. EVERYTHING.

BEAUTIFUL BUT SMART

This, along with ‘surprisingly beautiful geek’ and ‘actually pretty with no make-up’, comes up a lot. Let’s get this straight; being smart and beautiful doesn’t automatically make a woman some kind of witch. You don’t need to mention it. If you've written a smart and beautiful female character then congratulations, you've just written yourself a woman. 

So there we go. There's just a few that make my forehead meet my desk, wall and floor. Please, let's save the hard surfaces of the world and stop using these terms ALL THE BLOODY TIME. 

A woman is not just a pair of boobs or naked set dressing for your film. We're capable of heading up a storyline while keeping our clothes on. I promise. 

A Nude Sensation

Ladies who dont mind doing nude scenes, not a requirement for all but it does pay more.

Something excellent happened this week. After a lot of hard work from lots of people, including the brilliant Karina Cornell, Equity have now decided to investigate the worrying trend that is seeing an increase in acting jobs requiring nudity.

To avoid time-wasting, the director’s requested full frontal nudity in the audition.

Those that follow me on Twitter and see the casting calls I post on my Tumblr, Casting Call Woe, will know that the constant calls for actors to get their kit off is something of a scantily-clad bugbear of mine. There is not a day that goes by when I don't see at least one casting call that requires actors to get naked to play the roles of strippers, escorts, prostitutes or 'the love interest.' And yes, while it's mainly the women that are asked to get naked so they can keep their CV up to date, I'm seeing an increase in calls for male nudity too.

Nudity isn’t essential to get the part but it is encouraged.

So why is it happening? It's easy to say that the problem is mainly in the short film and student film sector where you tend to get a lot of inexperienced filmmakers just having a go at putting something on camera. Maybe they want to make their work to be more edgy and seem like they're doing something different and they decide that the way to do that is to get all the cast to go through excruciating simulated sex scenes in a bedroom donated by the director's best mate's cousin (who just so happens to be there to 'keep an eye on what's happening.') And these jobs often don't pay. All you're offered is your return train fare, a slice of Asda Value quiche and a constant reminder on DVD of that day you found yourself getting naked in front of a crew you'd only met for the first time 5 minutes ago.

It would be ideal if actresses are willing to go topless.

But I think the problem is coming from higher up. As bloody brilliant as shows such as Game of Thrones are, it's almost impossible to watch an episode where the Boob Count hasn't reached double figures by the closing credits. And while shows such as these set a precedent for well made, intelligent programming, they also suggest that all actors are totally fine with getting what their mother gave them out for all the world to see.

Must be willing to show/flash your breasts. 

And what if you're not happy about getting naked? Just because you're an actor then that shouldn't mean that you're willing to do anything for your art. When I first started out the temptation is there to show those dishing out roles that you're happy to do whatever they tell you so that you look employable. Showing willing is what you think will keep the roles coming in. Now, thankfully, I was never put in that situation but I can't say for definite that I wouldn't have if I was asked. There will be actors out there who think that this is acceptable (and I'm sure there are plenty of actors out there who are absolutely fine with it and good luck to them, there's certainly plenty of work out there for them at the moment) and that is a worry. No one should ever feel pressured into getting undressed just because they're worried their showreel hasn't been updated for a year now.

Girl wanted for naked role.

I was recently sent a script by a student filmmaker asking if I would be interested in being in a film he was making. The script contained excruciating lines such as 'he buries his face deep between her thighs' and 'he digs his face into her bosom' and that's when I knew I was definitely out. Now my CV is in seriously desperate need of new work on it but there is a line and this job was nowhere near it. The thought of desperately clawing through a sex scene with a group of 2nd year film students fills me with a dread normally reserved for sitting down and doing my tax return. Yes, maybe they're a wonderfully talented bunch and one of them might go on to win an Oscar but that's not a risk I'm willing to take.

Lying on bed naked and she is thrown across the room.

I know the point has also been raised that this investigation by Equity could lead to censorship and the loss of artistic freedom for writers and filmmakers. I don't think anyone wants that to happen and I don't think anyone in the industry is saying that there needs to be a ban on nudity entirely. However, I do hope that if nothing else, it encourages writers and filmmakers, when sitting down and coming up with their next idea, they spare a thought for the actor approaching their new creation and consider what it requires of them too.  

(For anyone wondering, the lines between each paragraph are genuine sentences taken from genuine casting calls. I wish I'd made them up just for this blog but they are sadly very real and what actors face every day when looking for work.)

Nude Behaviour

Casting: 'The series will be aimed at the male 18-35 market and as such our series will have a sexy look.'

I think it’s safe to say that that particular casting call is offensive to just about everyone. This casting is for a film being made which clearly thinks it’s being revolutionary by casting four women in the title role where they all get to play crime-fighting ‘badasses.’ And this should be fine. But aiming it at men? Putting the word ‘sexy’ in every single sentence? Suddenly the good intentions don’t seem so wonderful.

 There has been a lot said about the treatment of actresses in the last week. Firstly Equity spoke out about how theatres need to be doing more to ensure that castings are a bit more equal and don’t just give men-folk the spotlight. Then there was Sarah Woolley’s excellent article on sex scenes which you can read here:

http://www.xojane.co.uk/sex/why-i-wince-through-hollywood-sex-scenes-and-not-porn

Now I’ve talked a lot about the amount of nudity that women seem to have to partake in, especially on film. Just this morning I’ve read at least ten casting calls that have asked for women to either be beautiful, sexy or nude. That’s the role women have to play now. Of course, I realise that I’m generalising and I know that there are lots of lovely, intelligent parts being written for women too but you have to admit that the facts are there that are women are often expected to be the pretty ones while the men carry the story.

 

The constant call for nudity is a very worrying development. I’ve appeared naked on screen once, something I’ve spoken about before on my blog (but I’ll re-cap as I’m too lazy to find the post I mentioned it in.) It was while I was still at drama school and my director wanted me to go full-frontal but after a discussion that seemed to contain very little regard for my welfare or modesty, we finally came to a ‘compromise’ where I was allowed to keep my knickers on. Looking back I wish I’d asked for more but I was young and desperate to show the world that I was the ultimate in castable actresses. This should never have happened. Where were the tutors making sure that we all knew that our acting was enough to get us through this industry? They were nowhere to be seen. Despite only being a slight little thing back then, I spent the next two weeks barely eating as I was so terrified of the world seeing an ounce of flab on me. The scene was the first scene to be shot meaning that I was an absolute bundle of nerves. We were working alongside a film school so the crew was made up of people I’d never met before and it just so happened that the whole crew that morning was entirely made up of men who were much older than me. By the end I was a lot more comfortable but it’s not an experience that I’d ever want to relive again. What should’ve been a supportive environment while I was still training instead felt like a seedy experiment in how to make a newbie actress feel as awkward as possible. 

Of course, the problem is, as I’ve said before, that there still aren’t enough female writers and directors out there who are being given the opportunity to get their work made. Until television, theatre and film open their doors a little wider and let the ladies in too, women will constantly be relegated to playing ‘The Love Interest’ or the ‘Eye Candy’ or just ‘The Girlfriend.’ Despite the fact that women make up 50% of the population, we’re very much the supporting role when it comes to what audiences watch. Women have lead countries, they fight wars and they’ve made groundbreaking scientific discoveries. They write some of the most stunning things the world has ever seen and have written and sung some of the most beautiful songs that we’ll ever know. However, because women also happen to be bloody gorgeous and the men got in there first to write things and market things and produce things and direct things, we’ve been left to play the attractive set-dressing. 

Now I don’t know about you but I don’t want to be a naked prop while men get to have all the fun. Us girls just wanna have fun too, ain’t that right, Cyndi?

Acting Exercises

While sat in the park yesterday, I got to writing a bit about drama school. As I wrote, I started to remember things that my brain had clearly desperately tried to forget about, things that started to enduce a strong sense of panic the second I started to write about them. The main culprit was 'acting exercises' These were exercises that you had to perform mainly solo (although later ones included a partner) in front of the rest of the group. They start out simple with a simple object exercise where you're on you're own performing a simple task. Then, once you've successfully completed that task, they progress in difficulty until you're in a life or death situation where you have to escape without waking up your partner otherwise you'll die. Each exercise has objectives and obstacles and actions and you have to state these before starting and then the piece is then performed for everyone.

My first tutor who introduced me to these was an absolute demon. He was incredible and a comedy genius but he was also as demonic as they come. He would firstly insist that you bring in as many props as possible so that you could recreate your surroundings as much as possible. This would mean that you'd instantly know who was on that day as they'd arrive laden with bedding and rugs and ornaments and CDs and photos and everything else that they held dear. After setting up your room, you'd state your scenario and then you'd set about mentally preparing so that you were ready. This was all done in front of the group and you were allowed to take as long as you liked (one girl took 20 minutes and we were all left watching her lying on a bed as she supposedly got her mind ready for the task ahead.) You would then begin your task and the exercise would end either when you reached your objective or if the tutor stopped you. And he was a bugger for stopping people. If he thought you dropped out of character or lost your objective for a second then that was it, game over. And you couldn't just start again. Oh no. You'd have a thorough dressing down in front of the group and then you'd have to wait for your turn to come round again in a few weeks. One guy famously took four months just to get his first exercise completed. The boy was very nearly broken by the end.

My personal worst was for my 'sleeping partner' exercise where you have to reach your objective without waking your partner up. Your partner is control of whether they wake up and it all based on how much noise you make, meaning that you spend a lot of time creeping around all in the name of acting. I'd set up a scene where I'd read a letter of my mum's without her knowing and I needed to return the letter to her bedroom. A very simple scenario and after a few minutes of mental preparation, I was ready. However, at the exact same time that I started, my brain went into meltdown and instead of the delicate creeping that I'd planned, I charged across the room. Naturally, my partner was woken up instantly by my elephant-style stamping and my exercise was over in a matter of seconds. Tutor shouted, I had nothing to say for myself and I then had to wait another three weeks before I was allowed another attempt.

Then, of course, there was the challenge of watching other people's exercises. Because of the nature of the pieces, you had to sit in complete and utter silence so as not to make any noise that may ruin someone's exercise. The worst came when a guy in my class did his, without any warning, completely naked. It was for his life and death situation where he was being held captive by kidnappers and he needed to escape without waking them up otherwise they'd kill him. He did his mental preparation fully clothed in front of us and then went into the next room as he needed to enter the room to start the scene. All blissfully unaware, we sat back and waited only to be faced with him entering, bits first, through the door. We then had to watch him creep around the room (I should add that we had to use the local church hall for some classes and this was one of them and it had windows that faced out onto a very busy carpark) naked for fifteen minutes while he tried to retrieve his clothes and a set of keys. I have honestly never felt like such a child as I did that day.

And then of course there was the poor girl who had made life so difficult for herself by being tied to a pipe while sat on a massive piece of tarpaulin. The person who had tied her up had done it so tight and the tarpaulin was so noisy that we then spent 45 minutes in complete silence watching her desperately try to move even an inch successfully. Finally the tutor called an end to proceedings when the girl was in actual tears at the sheer frustration of it all.

It's when I remember things like that that I'm so thankful I'm no longer training. I don't think I've ever felt like such a failure as I did during those months when it felt like everything I did was completely and utterly wrong. Of course, the elation at being allowed to move onto the next exercise was also pretty damn unbeatable at the time. I'm sure my notes from back then would be interesting but I'm pretty sure they're a tear-stained jumble of words as I desperately tried to work out how to get it right. Hmmm, maybe things haven't changed as much as I thought they had...

Bare Essentials

I've spoken before about turning down work. It's something that when I first started out, I never thought I'd find myself doing. There was a time when I'd do pretty much any job for anyone who dared offer me one, regardless of whether they felt it necessary to reward me with food, money, warmth or all of the above. However, I've recently started noticing that I'm becoming a bit more picky about these things and I can only presume that this is a good thing. The amount of unpaid work I now do is down to an absolute minimum and if a job involves something that I'm just not comfortable with, I'm now comfortable enough with myself to say thanks but no thanks.

This morning, for example. I woke up to find someone that I'd never met or contacted was offering me a job. Although they had next to no budget, they were offering a very small payment and were able to cover expenses. Because my bank account is currently full of cobwebs and a few bits of loose change rattling around, I decided that it would be worth doing. It would keep me in crisps for another week and I figure if I'm trapped on a film set then I can't be out frittering away my last few pennies on a Mars bar. I had a quick look at the first couple of pages of the script and as it all seemed OK, I stupidly replied to say I was interested but would like to know which character they wanted me to play. "But why do you say that was stupid?" I hear you cry. Well, I'll tell you why. I didn't bother to read the whole damn script. Had I read on I'd have soon seen the word 'touch.' I'd have then seen the word 'thigh' a bit later on. Finally we have 'hands gliding' and it all starts to make sense. Because very soon after I'd initally stopped reading, the film very quickly descends into porn. But this isn't just porn, it's lady porn. And while I don't particularly have a problem with the world seeing my bits or getting entangled with another female for my art, I do have a problem when I'm being paid 83p an hour (I worked it out and that's honestly what I'd be getting.) Plus, with such a limited budget, it's fairly certain that it would be shot pretty poorly and no one wants to see my badly lit post-Christmas padding flailing around on some poor person's bed.

The world of film has been subjected to my lady parts before and although it was shot within the relative safely of drama school, it was still an horrific experience. It was the very first scene of the film that was shot and I found myself in a ground floor, street facing, tiny hotel room with my co-star and crew members, all of which were men. The curtains had to be partially open so that the light could get through so I apologise now to anyone who was driving through west London in 2005. The first couple of shots were about as traumatic as when they made Strawbery Ribena toothkind, but by the end I was happily taking notes from the director with everything on display. But of course, this was back in 2005 when I was 22 and we all looked a lot better back then. Despite the poor lighting and general lack of photographic talent, I still looked OK but six years on with no daily dance and movement classes to keep me trim, it's a very different story.

They still haven't responded to my initial question so, technically, I'm still doing this job. Best pull those lettuce leaves out from the back of the fridge just in case...